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My Present To Santa This Christmas! Poem

Updated on September 12, 2012
No No No! What he looks like without a drink.
No No No! What he looks like without a drink. | Source
Ho Ho Hooooo! What he looks like with a drink!
Ho Ho Hooooo! What he looks like with a drink! | Source

When Santa came down the chimney

All he'd hoped for was a plate of mince pies

But I stood there in my bikini

Hoping to give him a great big surprise.

-

You should have seen his face when he saw me,

All he did was stand and stare

Then slowly his legs went all wobbly

As he took in my body all bare.



-

He said, Lady dont'cha think its a bit risky?

Doin' that right by the front door?

For us to get a bit frisky?

I said, Take your suit off and lay on the floor.

-

Well, it went like it does,

And talk about fuss,

When his beard kept on ticklin' my bits

I said, Take that thing off your chin,

Else it goes in the bin,

Its itching my flippin' great...zits! (Well, what did you think I was going to say?!!)


So, he did as he was told,

Til we started to get cold,

And the sun had come up in the sky

Then, I said, right now go

Cos its started to snow,

Be gone now, it's time to say goodbye.

-

He smiled just a bit, and juggled my zit!

Til the grin on his face told me more

He said, well now, we'll see

Shall I come back at three?

And carry on as before.


-

But, smiling sadly, in fact rather gladly,

I said, no its over, go home.

He started to ask, was I up to the task?

No, I said, next time send one of your gnomes.

-

So the moral of this tale If you really must know

Is to drink Egg Nog and not Vodka Snow,

So when a jolly fat man, with a costume so red,

Falls straight down your chimney,

JUST GO BACK TO BED!


HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

And watch out for that man in the red suit! Dodgy character!




Copyright Nell Rose

Source

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    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, suzette, thanks for reading, what with the weather at the moment it certainly seems like Christmas! haha!

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, alocsin, haha! you know what they say about alcohol! thanks as always, nell

    • suzettenaples profile image

      Suzette Walker 

      6 years ago from Taos, NM

      Oh Nell this is hilarious. Just like Christmas in July! I missed this last Christmas also. You have the most wonderful imagination and photo stock. Then again, . . . Have a good one!

    • alocsin profile image

      alocsin 

      6 years ago from Orange County, CA

      Sorry I missed this fun tribute to Santa last Christmas. Love the pictures and the effect of alcohol. Voting this Up and Funny. SHARED.

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, savanahl, thanks, it just popped into my head when I was washing up! lol!

    • savanahl profile image

      savanahl 

      6 years ago

      I don't usually like funny poems but this one is great! Gave me a great laugh. Thanks for sharing.

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, stricktlydating, Ha Ha! thanks, glad you liked it, cheers nell

      Hi, Polly, sorry its taken me ages to get back, but my son 'stole' my pc for two days! pain in the butt! lol! I'll let you know if I hear anything else, cheers nell

    • Pollyannalana profile image

      Pollyannalana 

      6 years ago from US

      Hey Nell I heard the news on that young girl killed there.

      Just a few minutes ago a TV headline. They are not going to question the royal family. I heard one report said Diana was born there....? Still let me know if you here more, was just chance I caught this. Thanks!

    • stricktlydating profile image

      StricktlyDating 

      6 years ago from Australia

      That's hilarious! Best Santa story I've heard as an adult!

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi,Eddy, lol! glad you liked it, I just got the song in my head and turned it into a poem! have a good New Year, and take care, nell

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 

      6 years ago from Wales

      Oh Nell thanks for this one, it's hilarious and I loved it.

      I hope you had a great Christmas and are ready for this brand New Year ahead.

      Take care my friend.

      Eddy.

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, Coolmon, thanks for reading, sorry about the picture! lol!

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, mljd, Christmas went by so quickly, mind you after I ate all that food I just wanted to sleep! lol! thanks for reading, cheers nell

    • Coolmon2009 profile image

      Coolmon2009 

      6 years ago from Texas, USA

      Thanks for making me smile. The naked Santa at the end is a bit surprising. Enjoyed reading your poem :)

    • mljdgulley354 profile image

      mljdgulley354 

      6 years ago

      Oh dear how did I miss this. It made me laugh all the way through. Christmas Day had the good food family all gone and here is this cute poem. Thank you so much I loved it.

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, pras thanks so much! I am glad you found it funny! thought I would bring a smile to peoples faces, thanks! and have a great Christmas or Holiday! Nell

    • prasetio30 profile image

      prasetio30 

      6 years ago from malang-indonesia

      I can't stop for laugh. You make Christmas more colorful. Dear friend, before the holly Santa Claus knock at your door, please allow me to be the first person to wish you “A MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR” GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

      Prasetio

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, mary, lol! don't worry I would never be rude, well only a little bit! glad you found it funny, and thanks! have a great Christmas!

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, Audrey, lol! now I have a picture of Bob in my head! thanks for that! ha ha! couldn't resist this, it just popped into my head and I thought, well why not? have a Great Christmas, and New Year! thanks!

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, Will, sorry your first comment never showed for a while, thanks for coming back, glad you liked it, couldn't resist! I was stood at my kitchen sink humming away to myself and started singing this little song, and it turned into a poem! lol! have a great Christmas!

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 

      6 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Up and very funny, Nell!

    • mary615 profile image

      Mary Hyatt 

      6 years ago from Florida

      This one is priceless! I'm still laughing! When I first began to read, I thought, oh no, I'm not liking this. But, of course at the end, I'm cracking up. Voted you UP, funny, etc.

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 

      6 years ago from Washington

      Thanks for the chuckle, Nellie - and I believe that is Bob in the last photo posing in his ah...birthday Santa suit~~

      Delightful bit of glee for December 22nd - laughing and laughing and now have dribbled coffee on meself~

      Happiest of Holidays!!

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 

      6 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Naughty Nell?

      Who knew?!!

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, Alastar, well I couldn't really write the real meaning could I? lol! oops! thanks and I am glad you liked it, cheers nell

      Hi, beth, couldn't help it, the words popped into my head and I thought, better write them down quick! just goes to show how my mind works! lol! glad you had a laugh, cheers nell

    • bethperry profile image

      Beth Perry 

      6 years ago from Tennesee

      LOL Nell! You gave me a welcome laugh for Winter Solstice, thank you!

    • Alastar Packer profile image

      Alastar Packer 

      6 years ago from North Carolina

      You livened it up alright. Nose and toes eh, okay, if you say so..LOL! Thanks again for the delightful naughty-funny poem Nell.

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, Alastar, my bits? well, my nose, and my toes! lol! what did you think I meant? ha ha! Momma kissing Santa was a little bit old fashioned for me, so I thought I would liven it up a little! Have a great Christmas, and New Year! thanks Nell

    • Alastar Packer profile image

      Alastar Packer 

      6 years ago from North Carolina

      Nell I'm still laughing! Your poem is evil wicked lady and what in heck does "ticklin my bits" mean? I Saw Momma Kissing Santa Clause never had it so good! Merry Christmas Nell!!

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, Movie, nothiing like a good laugh at Christmas! lol! thanks!

      And everybody have a Great Christmas!

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, tipoague, lol! I wish I could find one like photo two, any idea where I can get in contact with him? south pole or north? ha ha! thanks for reading, and I am glad it made you laugh!

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, Nan, lol! glad you liked it, it just goes to show the virtues of not drinking this Christmas! thanks again nell

    • tlpoague profile image

      Tammy 

      6 years ago from USA

      This was OUTRAGIOUS! I laughed so hard, I was snorting! I couldn't help but pass it around. Merry Christmas, Nell, I hope you find a Santa like photo number two, under your tree this year. Voted up!

    • Movie Master profile image

      Movie Master 

      6 years ago from United Kingdom

      Wonderful Nell, thanks for the laughs:-)

    • profile image

      Nan Mynatt 

      6 years ago

      I like your prose about Santa, and the picture was too much. I laughed and laughed, he won't have to worry about women chasing him. He is too fat and out of it. Good picture.

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, Kiela, Dumbledore! LOL! that's so funny! thanks for reading, I couldn't resist that last picture! who could?

      Hi, DzyM, what more could a girl want? LOL! thanks!

    • DzyMsLizzy profile image

      Liz Elias 

      6 years ago from Oakley, CA

      ROFLMAOPMP!! That was a perfect end for a frustrating day!

    • Kiela Starcatcher profile image

      Kiela Starcatcher 

      6 years ago from Chicago, IL

      Hella funny one, Nell! (^_^)

      Rated up for the best pics on hubpages!!! (Too bad that last one reminds me of Dumbledore - ROFL)

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, Jackie, lol! sorry for the shock photo! couldn't help it! ha ha! have a great Christmas!

      Hi, Cardisa, lol! I knew you would like it! watch out for that man in a Santa suit!

    • Cardisa profile image

      Carolee Samuda 

      6 years ago from Jamaica

      I agree with you 100%! lol lol lol

    • Jackie Lynnley profile image

      Jackie Lynnley 

      6 years ago from The Beautiful South

      Oh, no...glad dinner is over! lol

      But thanks for the smiles!

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, rorshak, not something you see every day! lol! thanks for reading, cheers nell

      Hi, Jen, lol! glad you liked it, and thanks!

    • JenJen0703 profile image

      Jennifer McLeod 

      6 years ago from Battle Creek, Michigan

      That was crazy! lol

    • profile image

      rorshak sobchak 

      6 years ago

      I was not expecting to see that naked santa at the end. Lol.

    • Nell Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Nell Rose 

      6 years ago from England

      Hi, Susan, don't forget, Santa will look like the second photo when you drink too much vodka! ha ha! thanks for reading, cheers nell

      Hi, lily, have a great Christmas! and thanks as always, nell

      Hi, Christopher! lol! he may climb in the window! thanks again, and have a great Christmas!

      Hi, poet, he can get into my Christmas stocking anytime! lol! thanks and have a great Holiday, and new year!

    • poetvix profile image

      poetvix 

      6 years ago from Gone from Texas but still in the south. Surrounded by God's country.

      This is the best laugh I have had in a long time. Thank you! Oh, and I must say that one young Santa looks totally hot in a major way. Merry Christmas!

    • christopheranton profile image

      Christopher Antony Meade 

      6 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom

      Thank God for central heating. (No more chimnies).

      Have a great Christmas Nell.

    • lilyfly profile image

      Lillian K. Staats 

      6 years ago from Wasilla, Alaska

      Oh, Nell! Your my hero! haha! love yaz, and Happy Christmas! lily

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 

      6 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      LOL Just what a needed...Thanks for the laughs.

      Merry Christmas!

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