The World's Worst Pets
Okay, so you want an unusual pet, not quite the normal dog or cat everyone else seems to get. The kids are pestering for all manner of weird and wonderful pets, and you just can't decide which pets are going to be a good idea, and which are truly going to be the worst pets you could possibly choose to bring in to your family home.
This article is intended to give you a 'heads up' on which pets you will most likely regret taking on, and that you will no doubt want to get rid of from your home within a very short space of time. Please don't take this article too seriously, well, actually perhaps you should, as if you don't and then go on to take on one of these creatures as pets, I certainly don't want you coming back to me to complain that I told you 'not to take my article too seriously', and now you have a smaller family as a result!!!
In no particular order here goes.......
Hippopotamuses: These take up a lot of room and need a nearby river or lake in order to be truly content. The food bill is very high and the meals take a long time to prepare. They do not make good pets to sit on your lap and if they jump on your bed you had better hope it is reinforced and on the ground floor.
Crocodiles: These have a nasty habit of eating their owners, and if you have a large family be prepared for it to get smaller as your crocodile gets larger! you might also notice other family pets vanishing, and no, Tibbles the cat has not run away again, and yes, your crocodile's poo does appear to have actual cat hair in it. You also need an extensive area of water to keep these exotic pets, preferably not your swimming pool, or at least not if you plan to swim in it at the same time as your pet.
Elephants: You really do need a big garden for these, and plenty of undergrowth. Whilst it is fun feeding them a few peanuts at the local wildlife park, you need one hell of a lot more nuts to feed them at home. They also have a really bad habit of stealing the TV remote when you are in the middle of watching your favourite soaps, and trust me, it is really hard to reach high enough to get the remote back if your elephant has decided it wants to watch the other station.
Worms: The problem with worms is that they are really disobedient. For a start they never come when they are called and are virtually impossible to train (leads/leashes that fit are also hard to find). They are cheap to feed however, but is it really worth it? You can never let them outside as they always 'run' away and don't return. Additionally they are not interested in being hand fed and refuse to stay on your lap unless you imprison them under a drinking glass.
Daddy Long Legs (Crane Flies): Terrible pets, for a start they die within about 24 hours, and during that time they liberally scatter their legs all over your family home. You will most likely find them drowned in your washing up bowl (not sure why they insist on 'topping' themselves in this rather annoying way). The other problem is that nobody on this earth has ever been told what to feed them, so they would most likely starve to death even if you could keep them alive more than 24 hours.
Slugs: A very messy pet, although they are easy to find if they get lost (just follow the trail). Remember to be very careful what you feed them if you take them on though, putting salt on their food is a definite no no unless you fancy a puddle as a pet. They also lack much in the personality department, yet tend to be quite 'clingy', (try shaking one off when it has crawled on to your hand).
Octopus and Squid: Great if you need an abundant supply of ink for your ballpoint pen collection, but these make lousy pets overall. You will need a bigger bathroom, and ideally a large saltwater pool if you want these as pets. They do have a sharp beak (ouch), and whilst they may be helpful for opening jars, predicting football match winners and solving puzzles, they are likely to embarrass your children by displaying far superior intelligence and ending up costing you a fortune in college fees.
Kangaroos: Forget Skippy, kangaroos are far higher maintenance than that television series depicted. Apart from the fact you will spend the rest of your days trailing after 'Skippy' as he shows you to yet another child that has carelessly fallen down a well, you will need to learn to fluently translate the series of clicks and squeaks that Skippy makes to you. If you upset Skippy he will most likely display his frustration by kicking you really hard, boxing with you, or even raking out your entrails with his hind legs. Lovely!!!
Sloths: Very boring pets, although they need virtually no exercise and are easy to catch. Possibly a good pet for someone who has little interest in having to walk their pet and is slow moving themselves. You also need to be quite tall for these pets as they stay up trees most of the time, only coming down to earth to do their poop, which can make for a pretty uninspiring pet, i.e. you only get to spend time with them when cleaning up their poo!
Giraffes: These just don't work well as pets, and are a nightmare if they get a sore throat. As soon as you get the ladder out to give them a good dose of cough syrup, off they go, and you will spend all day running around with a ladder. Giraffes wreck all your prize shrubs and trees from the top downwards, and taking them to the local park for a walk is usually prohibited for this reason, (you also need one hell of a pooper scooper bag).
Wildebeest: These are cute at first glance, however they are migratory animals so you will need in excess of 100,000 miles of land for them to migrate across every year (in other words, a very big garden). The other problem this creates is how to find your pet when you want to make a fuss of it. It seems rather inconvenient to have to wait entire seasons in between clapping eyes on your pet, by which time his matted coat is all but impossible to groom successfully.
Beetles: The obvious problem with these as pets is the fact they will keep breaking into song, and there are only so many times you can cope with listening to 'Hey Jude' or 'Twist and Shout'. It won't be long before the neighbours begin complaining and you are forced to marry your Beetle off to Heather Mills. Rather than inflict such a cruel fate on your pet beetle, it is better to leave them to their own devices and choose yourself a lower maintenance pet like Sea Monkeys.