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If I Die, I Expose My Journal Writing. What Is The Worst That Could Happen?
Is Journaling For You?
Just the other evening I was doing a little pondering. I got to thinking about my death and all the journals I've kept over the last several years. I don't know what prompted me to think about my death, it wasn't in any sort of depressing way, just little people in my head running around with signs saying your in trouble now.
So I'm thinking about all these journals I've kept for many years. Sometime before getting ready to go bed I am quietly standing in the hallway looking at my journal resting on the coffee table. Who would be the first person to crack it open if I died? To bed I went. I lay there, my head spinning, going through several scenario's of each person who might want to read that journal on the coffee table. There are no loose ends. Everything is in there. My life and how I live it. Everything I think about, good bad, and the ugly.
My loose ends would be all the tumultuous agonizing emotion I put into my journals from time to time. I began keeping journals when I was just a teenager. I have lost many of them through my many relocations. From Florida one day, and Virginia the next. I have art journals, manuscripts, and picture only journals.
I have even rewritten them over the years. Unfortunately sometimes with to much graphic detail. Being diagnosed with bipolar I think I began to write about that secret side more than the sunny side, because in sadness, it is internalized more. And journaling becomes a way to release that raw emotion that on many occasion exaggerates to the tenth degree.
The deepest darkest side of bipolar found it's way into my journals as well. And the people in my life now unfortunately are included in those journals. There are so many bipolar rants and raves, a lot of it I don't remember happening, but somehow, I managed to capture the moments of rage and destruction.
A lot of it is very scary, hurtful, sorrowful, funny, maddening, and euphoric. However it is all truthful. It will definitely offend someone. I have tried in my lifetime to apologize to those people I have hurt or damaged because of my bipolar illness. Bipolar disorder shows no favoritism.
So I lay in bed feeling kind of miserable. I thought about getting up out of bed to write something in my current journal to let everyone know I loved them and I was sorry If I offended anyone. But that would be kind of lame. I look back and I am conflicted with contradiction.
I have experienced some very volatile relationships in my life. If those people were to read the journals they might misunderstand, but not necessarily, because of who they ARE. Their personalities won't accept what I wrote as my truth. My feelings. The things that happened to me. In my lifetime. And they just happen to be there in that timeline. How can I be sorry for something I didn't mean to do? Like be a bad partner, or emotionally unequipped to even be in a relationship.
For whatever reason, that evening, I just felt like I was going to die. Not in a sad or morbid kind of way. Just in a comfortable, slip off and see you later I gotta take a long walk across the street way. If that should happen I have to say I am okay with whomever picks those journals up and reads them. If they read them with an open heart they know I meant no harm.
So I guess the moral of the story is do you keep a journal, and run the risk of them being read someday, or do you just abandon your fear and write without conscious. Because after all truth is truth and if it helps in anyway manage your life why should you be denied?
So what do you do?
The worst that could happen
Well I think the worst thing would be that I offend someone, wrote something I can't take back, because I am dead. I don't know about you, but when I am wrecked on emotion, I tend to write things in the heat of the moment. Sometimes those words are just a way to express. To express anger, when the writing takes over. Words written in anger are like words spoken in anger. To often with little thought. In my case anyway.
The last thing I want is for someone to hate me because I said something I didn't really mean, and hadn't had the chance to correct it. Leaving them feeling awful and humiliated. That is the worst for me. But do I not write what I feel at the moment because I am worried someone will eventually probably read the journals? No I have to write what I feel, or it is kind of pointless to even begin writing.
So essentially the only way to avoid your journals being read after you die is to set-up a system for them to self-destruct upon opening by someone other than you. Yeah, great idea right? seriously someone is going to read them, so I have more or less accepted that. I try to jot down every once in awhile that I am only human with human emotions. With a huge smiley face of course.
So, the worst can happen, and may happen. But I still write as much truth as I can. That to me is pretty much what writing about yourself is, the truth.
What do you want to journal about?
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