When the Caring Stopped
She wanted to pinpoint the moment she stopped saying; "I don't care" and stopped caring.
She wanted to recall that clarity of thought, that neutrality of spirit, and mark it, celebrate it, in some way designate it the Day I Stopped Caring.
But she really couldn't recall.....
The First Time
The first time he really hurt her was a week before the wedding.
That is why she never married him.
It was extremely fortunate that he'd had his affair before she made a life mistake.
She didn't leave him just then, because to let go would have been 'defeat'.
Cat on a Hot Tin Garbage Can.
By the time she realised what she'd fought over...what she'd won...
She had loved him. That can not be disputed. She loved him, but also started to
hate him. And when the hate was a bit more than the love she left him.
He looked awful the last she'd seen him.
He looked awful and was in
He came to the office where
she worked and he waited like
Waited because they didn't know
him, and he couldn't say he was
her husband, lover, boyfriend....
because he wasn't...
and didn't have any idea if she
had a husband, lover, boyfriend..
And then he came to her.
As no one there (as opposed to her old office) knew who or
what he had been to her, there wasn't embarrassing stares from
co-workers that this wretched man had once been intimate with her.
They saw a number of men like him during the day.
Failures who came a begging.
He was just another failure who came a begging.
Nothing special about him.
During the short time he spent in the chair besides her desk there was no hint
in her demeanor that once he had almost been her husband. She didn't treat
him any differently than she would a stranger.
Because he was a stranger.
When he left she'd filled in the forms as was the standard and moved on to the next, and didn't feel anything.
She knew she was supposed to feel something.
She took an early lunch to explore the non-feeling but other things encroached. She didn't have a retrospective.
That's when she knew that saying; "I don't care," was as illogical as refusing a job
she wasn't offered.