Which is Worse: Small Robots or Large Robots
Investigative journalist, Ima Lyer, here with another burgeoning non-story. Tonight in Washington, D.C. a new debate rages over an old topic. Robots. When addressing the subject of robots, the controversy continues over which poses a greater hypothetical threat: large robots or small ones. And the debate is not exclusive to our nation's capital. Almost everyone across the country has an opinion about robots. To get to the bottom of this issue, research is required. Lacking that, however, conjecture will suffice.
When asked which is worse, a big robot or a small one, most people will answer that a big robot is much worse. However, there are a few thoughtful responders who believe the smaller a robot is, the greater its potential for harm. Irving Energizer said, "Just think, if robots were the size of viruses, they would be much more deadly because they would be harder to detect." Nasha Numbseeker disagrees. "Who could ever build robots that small? That's just ridiculous. Everyone knows big robots can step on houses and tear up electrical lines," she opines. However, Zxyq4487 said, "All robots are wonderful. Big and small. All robots are wonderful. Big and small. All robots are..."
When asked for comment on the subject, none of the politicians interviewed would go on the record. However, one Washington insider, on the condition of anonymity, did state, "Go away, you nutcase, before I call security."
Clunky vs. Sleek
Surveys conducted by Nationwide Mortgage, Servicemaster, and Hot Pockets all indicate that most people prefer the old-fashioned clunky robots because they are less threatening. Only 23% prefer the sleeker android models, saying they look much more human. One can infer that at least 23% of those surveyed are prejudiced against robots that are obviously robots. This bias translates into roughly 17% who are psychologically unprepared to deal with robots that are either too big or too small. Robots that approximate the human size and form are more popular with those between the ages of twenty-one and thirty-five. Persons up to the age of twenty prefer large lumbering destructive robots, while those over the age of thirty-six like a robot that is no larger than the average footstool and programmed to deliver refreshments and give back massages. Robots themselves have no size preference, but an alarming 89% of robots interviewed do express a desire to increase the robot population within the next ten years.
Robot Expert Comes Clean
I finally tracked down self-professed robot expert, Art Ifishul, who stated, "Stop asking me questions. Leave me alone. Why are you stalking me?" This illustrates the level of obfuscation rampant in the industry and explains why answers are so hard to come by. However, it clearly can be surmised from Mr. Ifishul's reaction that he is inclined toward overreaction, and therefore cannot be trusted as a source of accurate robot information.
Chasing the truth about robots is a difficult process. As an unnamed source close to the situation said for the record, "These are not the kind of questions you should be asking. Now, be a dear and go get me a coffee with extra cream and one sugar. Thanks."
More on this story as it develops.
-Ima Lyer, Investigative Journalist