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Who Can Know Exactly What I am Suffering? Who Cares?

Updated on March 25, 2013

Who Can Know Exactly What I am Suffering? Who Cares?


This fidgety feeling had always been the monster master within me;


It has always been creating an incomparable vacuum and a deep sense of emptiness within me;


It has arrested my freedom to choose what I really wanted;


There has always been the feeling of searching for something that seems to be so elusive;


The feeling of being deprived of something that I deserve;


It’s a feeling that I cannot have what I exactly wanted;


That I have to settle down with what is available for me and must force myself to be contented with what life has to offer me in a given moment;


That I have to be patient and must suppress my urges because those things I desire are just not available;


A feeling of frustrations for not having the very thing that I deem to be the ones I so desire and which I deserve;


This feeling controls, determines and directs my behavior, my reactions, my thoughts, my decisions and my whole life;


It becomes the master of my destiny;


I do a lot of mistakes that I regret afterwards and yet I keep repeating them time and again;


It just seems that I have no control over myself;


This monster within me always has its way and I become a helpless slave to its whims;


This monster master is actually my twin at birth;


Yet how would I know that it’s been within me?


This monster was as innocent as I was in my childhood;


But it evolves and increases its power as I grow older;


There were times when I sensed some force within me that was trying to overpower me;


The force was expressed in my sadness that turned into melancholy;


It was difficult for me to stop crying once this monster got hold of my feelings of emptiness;


My awareness of this monster master who resides within began when I started practicing meditation;


I was eighteen years old when I started the one hour meditation habit every 4:00 to 5:00 a.m.


I read the books Desire of Ages, The Great Controversy, and Steps to Christ which was authored by Ellen G. White. I strive to be perfect and as perfect as I deem what it meant to me at the time.


Then I learned too that this feeling of emptiness is unquenchable except for one thing to fill it; it has to be LOVE.


The lyrics of the song;

It takes a lot of love to make the world go round; it takes a lot of kindness too. It takes a lot of love to calm an angry sound, to make the wounded heart to heal;”


I tried to live by the rules but the question remains, “Does love completely fill the emptiness within?” Perhaps at times when you are into it; but what about when love betrays you and when it flies out the window of your soul? Does love eternally live in your heart to enjoy?


Love? Monster? Which one?


Who and what controls my destiny? What could be that force within me that can propel me to the perfection of my life?


Who cares what I am suffering? Who cares what inner turmoil is pestering my soul?


It can only be me; I have to love and accept myself completely as I am; and not only that, I have to be strong and be for my “Self” all the way; through and through no matter what others say and no matter happen for as long as I live.

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    • Jynzly profile image
      Author

      Jenny Pugh 5 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      Hi catgypsy,

      Thanks for dropping by and reading my hub. Yes, you're right, we are programmed to care for others first and ourselves last but the fact is we cannot give what we don't have. So we can only love others if we can love ourselves first.

      Thanks again and God Bless.

    • Jynzly profile image
      Author

      Jenny Pugh 5 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      Hi catgypsy,

      Thanks for dropping by and reading my hub. Yes, you're right, we are programmed to care for others first and ourselves last but the fact is we cannot give what we don't have. So we can only love others if we can love ourselves first.

      Thanks again and God Bless.

    • catgypsy profile image

      catgypsy 5 years ago from the South

      Yes, it ultimately comes down to loving ourselves, doesn't it? And I truly believe that's one of the hardest things to accomplish because we are programmed to think of others and that thinking of ourselves is selfish. But it is so important to think of yourself and accept yourself the way you accept others...the good and the bad. Great hub.

    • Jynzly profile image
      Author

      Jenny Pugh 5 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      shanmarie,

      Thank you shanmarie; Yes, I just express here some universal reality of human emptiness and yet in the end it's still the person; you, me who make the final decision.

      Thanks again and God Bless.

    • Jynzly profile image
      Author

      Jenny Pugh 5 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      SoundNFury,

      Thank you for appreciating my hub. Thank you for voting up as well.

      God Bless.

    • Jynzly profile image
      Author

      Jenny Pugh 5 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      xstatic,

      You're right xstatic; only our own happy thoughts can make us happy; sad or negative thoughts make us sad regardless of whatever entertainment is presented to us.

      Thank you for the encouraging comment and the visit.

      God Bless.

    • Jynzly profile image
      Author

      Jenny Pugh 5 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      xstatic,

      You're right xstatic; only our own happy thoughts can make us happy; sad or negative thoughts make us sad regardless of whatever entertainment is presented to us.

      Thank you for the encouraging comment and the visit.

      God Bless.

    • SoundNFury profile image

      Michael Valencia 5 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

      Interesting hub. Everything we need can be found within ourselves! Voted up. Best wishes to you!

    • xstatic profile image

      Jim Higgins 5 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

      Happiness is within each of us, seeking to find it is difficult. Only I can make myself whole, or happy, whatever that is to me.

      This is a very interesting and moving hub!

    • Jynzly profile image
      Author

      Jenny Pugh 5 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      shanmarie,

      Thank you shanmarie; Yes, I just express here some universal reality of human emptiness and yet in the end it's still the person; you, me who make the final decision.

      Thanks again and God Bless.

    • Jynzly profile image
      Author

      Jenny Pugh 5 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      shanmarie,

      Thank you shanmarie; Yes, I just express here some universal reality of human emptiness and yet in the end it's still the person; you, me who make the final decision.

      Thanks again and God Bless.

    • shanmarie profile image

      shanmarie 5 years ago

      I can relate to this. It is good that you found a creative outlet to express those feelings. Best of luck to you. :)

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