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Shakespeare is a Conspiracy

Updated on August 24, 2011

I have never understood the importance of Shakespeare. I always felt like they taught it because there wasn't anything else relevant in literature to teach to students. I mean, why else would we spend over a month in every year of English class reading one of his boring plays? Okay fine, maybe it was a little fun reading out loud in class and re-enacting some of the scenes, but that was mostly because it was amusing to mock the accents, wear silly props and speak in broken English. Speaking of which, that's what struck me most. We're in English class and yet we're forced to read books from times before proper grammatical conventions were established. What's the point of that? Are they trying to ruin our English? Is it all just a conspiracy?

That's when it hit me. With all these crazy conspiracy theories going around about the Illuminati, Zeitgeist, and 2012, maybe Shakespeare is just a catalyst to the master plan. The New World Order.

What, How, and Why?

Simple, youth these days are becoming too smart for their own good. Kids back in the day were much more obedient and goal oriented. In the olden days, kids would start working on the farm before the age of 10. Even graduating from high school was a big feat, they were expected to start work as soon as they graduated. These days, even a Bachelor's degree is fairly useless in the job market. Kids are all going the extra step; they're getting higher and higher educations. Not only that, but they're outsmarting their parents! In today's world, kids ask too many questions. They need to know a reason for everything and anything. Some of them (Like Justin Bieber) are even making more in a day then you or me will ever see in a lifetime.

So why is this a problem? Well, the way the government sees it, everyone is becoming too self-absorbed. Kids don't care about politics or education, they care about music and fashion. They care about being carefree. They expect wealth without having to earn it. They expect happiness and respect while not having to sacrifice anything in return. If this keeps up, the world is doomed. Most kids these days are growing up agnostic or atheist. Not only do they not fear parents, they don't even fear god!

If this keeps up, the government will lose it's grasp on future generations. In the past, the government was the end all be all. It was a given that you do whatever they say. But now that younger generations are starting to question things, that could foil all of the Queen's plans!

What do Lady Gaga and Shakespeare Have in Common?

That's when the government steps in... brainwash kids and make them dumber, and continue to enslave mankind forever! It's rather genius if you think about it. First they find a distraction like Lady Gaga.

Catchy Beats + Nonsensical lyrics + Weird clothes ^ (Radio x TV x Internet) = Ultimate distraction.

Youth all over is left wondering what Lady Gaga is singing, what she's wearing, and what she (he?) even is! There were many prior attempts at this formula that didn't quite have the same impact (E.g. Cher and Michael Jackson). All that's left to do while our guard is down is to implement something absolutely culturally irrelevant, boring, pointless, and as grammatically incorrect as possible and make us study the crap out of it.

What do we learn from Shakespeare?

No, the question is, what do we unlearn? Shakespeare is all part of the master plot to dumb us down remember, so it's basically meant to reverse the development of our brain. They first try to target our prime method of communication, which is language. How Shakespeare works is, they take a sentence such as this:

Where do you buy garlic from?

And turn it into this:

Thoust buyest from whither thine garlic?

As you can see, you simply replace pronouns with words like "thou" or "thee," add a few endings, re-arrange the sentence and voila! You can re-arrange the sentence how ever you like and it'll still make "sense" in Shakespearean, for example:

Buyest whither thine garlic from?

From whither thoust buyest thine garlic?

It all sounds fancy and medieval right? Oh so intellectual? Wrong. It's all just gibberish that I made up on the spot as you can see. The way the government sees it, if they expose you to it enough (i.e. all 4 years of high school) you'll start to forget how to speak properly. Just look at British people, they've obviously been influenced much more than us Americans. You can tell because they barely pronounce half the letters properly in a word (They say the word "holler" as "olla" what the hell?). Just watch this and you'll see:

The intent is that you confuse yourself so much that you'll need guidance for the rest of your life. Jackpot! Now you're so confused about everything that you seek help. And then of course you're dependent on people and work as a slave to corporate bosses for the rest of your life.

What the government didn't realize though is that we're too smart for even that. With sites like Spark Notes around, who actually bothers to read that garbage? We read summaries, answer a few questions and we're good to go. Most Shakespearean plots are all the same anyway, they all revolve around death and tragedy so you can pretty much BS your way into any discussion or essay. Oh and the Shakespearean comedies? Are they actually supposed to be funny?

With plots like this, all the government plans to do is make you fear authority by repeating death and such in all of Shakespeare's stories. The so called comedies just confuse you further because you don't know what's going on so you start to question your intelligence and sense of humor. Or that's what they want anyway. But again, youth is too smart for crap like that. We know it's not funny, and we don't give it a second thought. Give is Family Guy or we don't care.

All in all, Shakespeare probably wasn't even a real person. The governments going to have to do better than that if they want to control us.


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    • profile image


      7 years ago

      Very interesting. I like this article because it compares a modern lunatic singer to a classical dead white man. The reason why schools still teach about Shakespeare literature is because he's consider to be part of the "Dead White Males" or "Great Books". The western civilization of the "Dead White Males" are still dominant in the education system and in many cultures from the rest of the world. I have to admit Shakespeare knew his stuff but it irks that there are modern writers that need credits from their work. They just ignored them and keep the "Dead White Males" work.

      Keep it up, Anid. Moar moar articles like this one. I might use it for essays as reference. :)

    • Naddig profile image


      7 years ago from Plymouth, UK

      I'm aware of the controversy surrounding whether or not the man named William Shakespeare actually wrote the plays he is credited with, but that's not what this hub is saying. It seems to be saying (unless I'm reading it wrong) that the plays, sonnets and poems have been created by modern governments to 'dumb down' standards of the English language. This is patently ludicrous. People have been studying, performing and reading Shakespeare for several hundred years now; they are inextricably linked with the development of the written english language, and the evolution of sentence structure, grammar and spelling. Shakespeare (or, indeed, whoever wrote the plays) actually coined a number of words that are now taken for granted as english words.

      So: either Neerizzle is satirising the paranoid conspiracy theorists, or he actually believes this pile of horse apples he's invented., and it's impossible to tell the difference. Thus, I call Poe.

    • Bubblegum Senpai profile image

      Nigel Kirk 

      7 years ago from Calgary, AB, CAN

      Actually, there are many conspiracy theories surrounding Shakespeare, whether he wrote his own works or not.

    • Naddig profile image


      7 years ago from Plymouth, UK

      Are you serious? Or is this hub a joke? Stuck on the Poe, here...

    • Neerizzle profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from Canada

      Haha yeah the video is hilarious, although at times I'm kind of lost when she "corrects" the word because it sounds the same as it did when the other girl would say it.

    • janikon profile image


      7 years ago from Canada

      okay - voted up, if for no other reason than the embedded video - woman was amazing. the government makes up a lot, though they could've spent a little more time on the creation of shakespeare if you ask me


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