How Buying Slippers Can Turn Into A Fiasco

We regularly go into the 'big city' to shop on weekends because where we live, our largest store is Rite-Aid. On one particular visit to our nearby JC Penney, I found out that needing a pair of slippers could prove hazardous to my health!

Sometimes by the time I have worked all week, I admit I get a little dazed for lack of a better word. When you have to routinely cram all your shopping into one visit and make it count so to speak, that makes it even more brain draining. At least that's the story I'm sticking with!

We were into our second or third hour of store hopping and Bob was starting to suffer his typical PTSD symptoms....post-traumatic shopping disorder for those of you who don't know that it has another meaning and there are treatment programs for it (I so wish).

He kindly informed me that he would be waiting for me to finish up - in the car! Well....at least it would give me more time to think and not be 'rushed'. I needed a pair of slippers and I figured he would just be hurrying me along so no problem. I told him I'd see him in a bit and to go have his detox time in the car.

First off, our stores here in Central Oregon must be about a 'C' or maybe a 'D' - that is to say that they are not very big. They have very few things to choose from just because of the limited size of the stores, but hey - I usually can make do just fine. However, for some odd reason, when I stepped into the slipper section of JC Penney, it was PACKED with slippers.

There were slippers in piles on the display tables. There were slippers hanging on hooks and shelves and shelves of them in all colors and styles. Good grief - it was a slipper sensory overload! In my already partially dazed state, I was beginning to feel overwhelmed. Too many choices I thought to myself! Stop the madness!

Well, I finally got hold of myself and decided to just approach the dilemma methodically - what did I want in a slipper? Did I want a slide or did I want a complete over-the-foot keep-the-whole-foot-warm deal? Did I want traction on the bottoms, or did I want to live dangerously and get the skidding type? I was SO glad Bob had left me alone as I could just hear his eyes rolling about now. 'Good God, Audrey - how long does it take to pick out a pair of SLIPPERS?'

We won't even GO to color. Which robe should I get them to match with? Should I get brown or should I get white or maybe something that would go with 'everything' and anything? Ones that would not show the dirt or if I sloshed my coffee and got a spot on them? What made me think of red slippers I have no clue but I was narrowing it down. I kept circling the displays and picturing the styles and all the colors with my wardrobe - oh, decisions, decisions.

This entire event was an aberration - I can honestly swear to it. I NEVER spend this much time choosing a piece of clothing, much less footwear! That's why I know that I was just not myself this particular day and that is why this happened!

Bob always smirks at me as I go through the store and rub materials to see what the fabric is, and I have been known to try on something maybe twice - okay once it was 3 times - but for the most part, I'm a very decisive kind of girl! If I see something, it is on sale most of all, it is a good buy for the money and seems like it'll go the distance - I'm done. Pay for it, walk out the door. Should have probably remembered this philosophy at the time of the slipper incident!

Okay - so now I've finally narrowed it down and I want red slippers - why I have not a clue. I don't own a red robe - I own a beautiful dark GREEN robe and unless I'm wearing them to look like a Christmas tree - why red? 

In my stupor though and after weighing so many pros and cons of this style versus that style, this bottom versus that bottom - whew - the possibilities just kept on coming - I finally have made up my mind.  The red ones it is!  Yahoo - almost done.

I slipped the pair of slippers off the table - you know the kind - where they are stapled or tied onto the cardboard display card and they are conveniently joined together so that no man can put asunder?  I laid the little cardboard display on the floor, slipped off one of my shoes and slid my socked foot into the slipper.  Hmmm - I guess it's not exactly brain surgery - yep - it fit - there was a red slipper on my foot alright.  Had to go look at it in the mirror though - WHY?  I have no clue!  I am not this person and I do not know how she has taken over my persona.

Ah well - I decide yeah - they'll do in a pinch.  I am thinking to myself though 'why red?' and I still don't have an answer but decide I'd best giddy up and get out of there before Bob starts to wonder what has happened to me.  As I start towards the counter though, something just started to niggle at me and I heard this little voice sitting on my shoulder saying 'don't you think you should try both feet on?  What if one foot fits and the other one is screwed up somehow and you get them all the way home and find out they don't fit right? Better to be safe than sorry!'

Brother - who needs the little voice?  Again, I have never had this unfounded fear in my life - that I would actually end up with GASP 2 slippers that did not fit both my feet.  What did I eat for breakfast that day?  Seriously - I didn't have any little nips out of the flask either!  So I step back into the sensory-overloaded slipper AREA (too small to qualify as a department after all) and I slip both my shoes off and set my things down.  Then I laid the display card with the pretty red slippers on the floor and proceeded to try on one foot (yep - it still fit) - and then tried on the other foot (by golly - it fit, too!). 

I could have walked away here - picked up the idiotic slippers and just gone and paid and been done with it - but NOOOO - I had to think about it.  I thought to myself 'self - I wonder how they look on your feet though - you only looked at the one in the mirror.  So maybe put on BOTH and look in the mirror.'  Sounded like a good idea in my head!  So I slipped both feet into the slippers but when I turned to look in the mirror, I could not see because all the displays were blocking my view.  Hmmm - well, I should have stopped right there - but of course I didn't.

I proceeded to take a couple of steps IN the cardboard display IN the slippers - which I quickly found out was not a good idea!  They tie those suckers together for a reason I guess - so that stupid people can't walk out of the store in them - OBVIOUSLY!  I do remember thinking a few swear words because I kind of knew where this was going. The next few moments went by really, really fast though!

All I remember is taking the couple of steps and then my arms starting to flail as if I was a windmill - I was trying to stay upright but of course it was not working....that tap dance move called the 'wing' - yep - I was doing it (see the video for a pretty good likeness of the moves I was making).  I of course am sucking in air faster than a Hoover vacuum and I'm trying so dang hard to just NOT fall down - especially backwards....oh my. 

Well, we all know what happened. I was up - at least for a bit - and I was flailing like I was gonna tap myself to death but to no avail. I crashed backward, and lucky for me, it just so happened that the display table was right where I left it - behind me! I bounced off the table and then tried to right myself only to pitch myself forward, lose my balance AGAIN and fall backwards again but this time into the shelves and shelves of slippers hanging on cardboard display cards on the wall!

I of course knocked off at least 50 or so pairs of slippers that were on the blasted display table - I knocked a bunch of shelves off the wall with all the slippers attached - and I NARROWLY missed driving one of the shelf brackets through my back! OMG!!! And now I'm laying slumped on the floor - and the damned slippers are still on my feet! They were attached like glue!

Clean up on aisle 7!! Too bad I have this thing about being embarrassed - I would rather die than be embarrassed and the last thing I wanted was for someone to SEE what I had just done although I couldnt' believe no one saw it! It was like a classic 'you're on Candid Camera' moment! I quickly divested myself of the cursed slippers and began cleaning up like I was in a race to beat the clock. I had the table set to rights and although I couldn't quite figure out how to get the stupid SHELVES back on the wall - at least I had made some efforts at tidying the place up! Whew!

Of course my back was killing me because of all my lurching, not to mention my shoulders - I was sweating like a pig by now and I'm sure red as a beet to boot! I literally slammed the stupid red slippers back on the display table - 'take THAT you blasted slippers! Stay away from me!' I was busy looking left and right and behind me because I was so worried someone had seen my antics in the slipper area! But it looked like the coast was clear. I certainly didn't have anyone running over to help me back up (they were probably laying on the floor doubled over in laughter) so I figured I was safe.

I picked out a WHITE pair of slippers - I never had any trouble at all with white slippers - what was I thinking?? Off I went to casually pay for them and get the heck out of there! The gal at the counter had the NERVE to ask me if I found everything okay and I countered with 'what does THAT mean?' - slick, Audrey, slick! No one would know you just knocked over the display table and messed up the shelves! I told her it looked like a shelf (or 2) might have fallen down though - might want to get on that before someone gets hurt!

I got out to the car a little worse for the wear that's for sure and Bob takes one look at me and says 'what happened to you?' I guess my hair was a little mussed (oh, DUH) and I was still a little flushed....I cannot tell a lie so of course I confessed to what I had done and he bursts out laughing! He was SO upset that he missed it - another classic Audrey-doing-Lucille-Ball moment! I get no respect!

Further, when I relayed my story to my daughter and said how relieved I was that no one saw me, she just burst out laughing as well. She really made my day by saying 'oh my god, mom - don't you think they were like passing around the security tape to everyone after they saw it?' Nice touch....

I never go into JC Penney anymore unless I'm wearing dark glasses - I mostly just order on line because it is TOTALLY safe and if they are not going to post DANGER signs in the slipper area, I just don't think it is a good idea for me to shop there. At the very least, they should have a warning label on the display cards, don't you think? 'Do NOT attempt to walk in these while they are attached to the display card!! May cause falling, especially if you're a dumb old fart!'  It gives new meaning to the words 'watch your step' is all I can say!