Who Am I To Say?
People keep saying to me, “Belle you’re going to do great things,” and who am I in my heart of hearts to refute that? If someone is going to put their faith in me, how can I say “no, I cannot live up to the expectations you have for me. I do not have what it takes to become a proudly recognized voice for peace. I do not know how to be who you want me to be?” Who am I to say that? How can I break this disillusionment? How can I take a knife to the perfect painting of myself that lives in the minds of those who know me? How can I lead anyone if I do not know myself where I am going?
This cataclysmic frustration is building up inside me, threatening to sever the connection between expectation and reality forever. I feel as though I am being set up to fail, after all, I would be the first to tell you that I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. It’s terrifying you see, to have adults look at you like you are some bright hope in a dimly lit future when you’ve barely just breached the barrier between childhood and the real world. It’s terrifying to have opinions when you are such a people pleaser, to voice them under your own given name. How can I make a difference when my name is not established or renown? As I struggle against the great waves of violence and pain and it's all I can do to keep my head above water, above the selfishness and the ignorance of American authority figures. I am not tragically silent, I am yearning to break free; to find the words that will acquit us all from our metaphorical confinement. I am aching to do something to stop little children being murdered in their schools because the entity that is supposed to protect us won’t.
But what makes me different? Is it enough that people believe in me, or will I be crushed under their expectations? Who am I to say? Who am I to lead? Who am I?
I am not easily dissuaded, I am not quiet or well-behaved. I am this raging inferno of confusion and insecurity, defiant and impossible to tame. I am this cacophony of oranges and reds and pinks, wild and burning and bold but is that enough? How do I know that I am leading in the right direction? How do I know that I am brave enough to exemplify the change I want to see in this world? Who am I to say? Who am I?
© 2018 Marie Allred