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Who's That Girl-Answer to a Dialogue Challenge

Updated on June 19, 2010

A Dialogue Challenge

I had read about a challenge a couple of months ago.  One that asked the reader to take a dialogue and make it their own.  I copied the dialogue and have worked on it on and off in my mind since.  I finally came up with something I may be able to stand being published only to find the author (RS Wight) to have disappeared.  Hopefully she or he will see this and know they motivated at least one person towards betterment.

The only link I can find is one by Christopher Floyd, a very talented writer here on HubPages.  Christopher, if you still are in contact with RS, please let them know I accepted this challenge.  And that I really enjoyed doing it. 

The Dialogue

This is the dialogue presented in the challenge:

  • “Hey Reed, who’s that girl over there?’

  • “Which one, dude? There’s girls all over the place. What, you done with Ruby already?”

  • “That one; brown hair, gray sweater, over by the door. Who’s Ruby?”

  • “ You know, the latest bobble-headed mascot of the 'Jackson Maddox Fan Club', she’s been following you around all week, dude. You gatta pay attention to these things or life's gonna pass you by.”

  • “So, there's a fan club now? Did I miss the sign up?"

  • "You better listen to Reed here, he’s got life all figured out.”

  • “Good one Kella, now go annoy someone else!”

  • “You know that girl, Kella? Brown hair, gray sweater?”

  • “Yeah, I've seen her, I think she’s Soph’s new roomie. Why?"

My Submission

Lounging against the wall, lost deep in subconsciousness, Maddox's eyes wandered aimlessly over the crowd. A skunk tail passed by. Maddox's eyes snapped wide, "WTF?!" he wondered. "How can a skunk float?"

He followed the floating skunk into the next room. The skunk slowly faded into a white stripe centered by black hair. "Good genes!" Maddox thought with admiration. Below the white striped hair was a woman dressed in a gray sweater. "Shit!", Maddox breathed as he recognized the woman.

Earlier tonight some scum tried to take this woman's purse. It was a dark corner and most occupants did not see the truth. Looking to see a man about a dog, Maddox came upon them as it began and without thinking clubbed the guy over the head. The woman grabbed her purse as the thug collapsed. The man went down and the purse ran through the door with the woman. Maddox  was stuck with an knocked-out shit-bag and a woman in his mind. He did as any sane person did and went over to the bar to get a beer.

The place was packed and space was at a premium. Shouldering his way through the crowd to the bar he kept his eye on the door. He knew it was crazy to look for her, but he could not shake her from his mind. "Hey Kella", he nodded his head at a man at the bar. "Let me in for a beer?"

Kella ordered his beer other than give up his coveted spot. As the money changed hands with the bartender, Reed sauntered over. Taking a long pull from his beer, Maddox continued to eye the door. A girl came in from the next room wearing a gray sweater. She smiled nervously and stood to the right of the door. The crowds milled around her swallowing the sight from Maddox.

“Hey Reed, who’s that girl over there?" Maddox knodded his head toward the door.

“Which one, dude? There’s girls all over the place. What, you done with Ruby already?” Reed's eyes scanned the joint. A smile lit his cheeks seeing all the women.

“That one; brown hair, gray sweater, over by the door. Who’s Ruby?” Maddox frowned. "Who's Ruby?", he wondered again as he rubbed his temple.

“ You know, the latest bobble-headed mascot of the 'Jackson Maddox Fan Club', she’s been following you around all week, dude. You gatta pay attention to these things or life's gonna pass you by.” Reed looked at Maddox confused. Surely he had noticed this beautiful woman.

“So, there's a fan club now? Did I miss the sign up?" Maddox was used to adoration from the females. They said it was something about his dimples and long brown hair. He figured it was his ability to be anything anyone needed. He yawned.

"You better listen to Reed here, he’s got life all figured out.” Kella yelled from his bar stand. Kella had to yell, he was not moving from his chosen spot. Oh well, all's easier if you have a friend at the bar.

“Good one Kella, now go annoy someone else!” Reed sneered. Kella said strange things at times. He was never really sure if Kella was serious or mocking him.

“You know that girl, Kella? Brown hair, gray sweater?” Maddox knew he sounded fixated, but hoped his friends were to distracted to notice.

“Yeah, I've seen her, I think she’s Soph’s new roomie. Why?"  Kella bellowed.

Maddox sighed. Soph's roomie, of all people why did it have to be Soph's.

Please Let Me Know How To Improve :D

I hope everyone liked this. I just wish RS was still around to see. I would appreciate any and all comments on how to improve my writing style.   Let me know what worked and what didn't work.  Please be specific as it helps me to understand. Thank you for reading!

Comments

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    • Christopher Floyd profile image

      Christopher Floyd 

      7 years ago from Kansas, Oklahoma, and Louisiana.

      If you're interested, I'm issuing my own dialogue challenge.

      Long story short, Hubpages flagged my R S Wight Dialogue Challenge hub (admittedly not a very long hub) and deleted it. I had to resubmit it. They are going to reread it and see if it meets Hubpages quality standards. If they allow me to reprint it, it has my challenge at the end. If not, I'll post it as a fresh hub.

      Not such a short story. Anyway, let me know if you're interested.

    • Christopher Floyd profile image

      Christopher Floyd 

      7 years ago from Kansas, Oklahoma, and Louisiana.

      The link to RS Wight's dialogue challenge is inactive, and Hubpages has flagged my (admittedly short) hub relaying the challenge as "not conforming to standards of quality. They deleted it. No more dialogue challenge. Thought I'd mention it in case some future hubber tried to back link to the hub and take up the challenge themselves.

      Hi K@RI!

    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      7 years ago from Ohio

      SEM Pro, Thanks, that conversation did run a few circles in my mind before it made a complete circuit. :D

      Christopher, Ohhh...you made me blush. Thanks!

      vrbmft, Thank you! Once it was in my mind, it flowed to the paper easily.

      tim-tim, Thanks! :D

      Mentalist acer, She actually could be the main character in this story...Thanks very much!

      RS Wright, You are very kind! Now I need to get some new stuff written. :D

      Raven King, My ego loves this, but I still think I am very ordinary. Thanks! :D

      drcrischasse, Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!

    • drcrischasse profile image

      Cristopher Chasse 

      7 years ago from Boston

      Super stuff. This is so cool.

    • Raven King profile image

      Raven King 

      8 years ago from Cabin Fever

      WoW! This is incredible! K@ri, you are very, very talented!

    • profile image

      RS Wight 

      8 years ago

      k@ri, you are very welcome! When Christopher told me there was a response I couldn't wait to come take a look. I will be following your work.

    • Mentalist acer profile image

      Mentalist acer 

      8 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

      Your piece was effective and left me more interested in the mysterious girl in the brown sweater who could be the main character in this story and not Maddox...carefully giving both anti- and protagonistic strengths:)!!

    • tim-tim profile image

      Priscilla Chan 

      8 years ago from Normal, Illinois

      Very unique!Nice hub!

    • vrbmft profile image

      Vernon Bradley 

      8 years ago from Yucaipa, California

      I don't have any criticism. Your story line fits "pefectly." I get the impression, that you just let it come through you on to the page, at least initially, and "it" always works that way. And it always works not to get too critical of your own stuff and let others give you feedback. And that worked for you as well!

    • Christopher Floyd profile image

      Christopher Floyd 

      8 years ago from Kansas, Oklahoma, and Louisiana.

      You nailed it.

    • SEM Pro profile image

      SEM Pro 

      8 years ago from North America

      Loved this k@ri! Sometimes those conversations run circles in our minds as the imagination takes flight. You did an awesome job of turning it into a vivid story!

    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      8 years ago from Ohio

      crazybeanrider, I really glad you enjoyed it. I had a lot of fun with this. Thanks!

      RS, Thanks for stopping by to read this. I'm glad you liked it. I was intrigued by it and could not get it out of my mind. Thanks!

    • profile image

      RS Wight 

      8 years ago

      k@ri, thank you for taking up the challenge, I know it wasn't much to work with but you did a wonderful job and I truly appreciate it.

      I always find it interesting how others interpret a piece of writing and make it their own. The little bit of dialogue that I posted is the actual dialogue cut out from an early scene in the novel I have been working on for quite some time.

      I found it interesting that you made Kella a man! Again, thank you and I will keep watching.

    • crazybeanrider profile image

      Boo McCourt 

      8 years ago from Washington MI

      What a new and refreshing hub. I really enjoyed this. What a unique way to challenge writer's. I enjoyed this so much i hated to see it end. Great work K@ri!

    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      8 years ago from Ohio

      LOL, I guess I could learn how to get around this if I liked. Nice to know the heart is still there in cyberspace. :D

    • lxxy profile image

      lxxy 

      8 years ago from Beneath, Between, Beyond

      Just so yas know, anything resembling HTML markups are bad in the context of the contents that is the comment box. ;) So, as it were, no hearts for you!

    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      8 years ago from Ohio

      BTW lxxy: Where did my heart go? I know it was there before I posted! :D

    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      8 years ago from Ohio

      Chris, I am thrilled that you think I made it work. I am looking forward to your criticisms. You are very talented and I would appreciate your views.

      lxxy, If you like it, it must be good! I am working on something, as you know, that motivated this. Maybe I will post it...maybe I won't. Depends on life at the moment.

    • lxxy profile image

      lxxy 

      8 years ago from Beneath, Between, Beyond

      Loved how this turned out! I think Chris' response was well done, and I hope you do this again in the future in some shape or form!

    • Christopher Floyd profile image

      Christopher Floyd 

      8 years ago from Kansas, Oklahoma, and Louisiana.

      Not bad! You took what for me was difficult dialogue and made it work. There are a few things I noticed that I thought could have been different, but 1) every reader comprehends differently and 2) I don't believe in tearing a writer's work apart publicly. I send you a message with a handful of comments. All in all, I'm impressed.

      Oh, and thank you for calling me talented.

      I found Wright's email address. We'll see if she resurfaces. Meanwhile, what if this became a round robin sort of thing. You answered the challenge. What if you posted your own dialogue challenge? Let the first to answer it post the next one and so on. Just an idea.

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