- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Commercial & Creative Writing»
- Creative Writing»
- Humor Writing
Why Did I Honk At You?
Judging by your blank, deer-in-the-headlights stare, you’re wondering why I honked at you today.
It’s a real head scratcher for you, I can tell.
You don’t recall putting a bumper sticker on your car that says, “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Maybe you think I’m crazy. Maybe my horn is broke. Or maybe you think I like to honk at random good drivers to scare the poop out of them.
Well, since you are obviously pretty clueless, let me enlighten you. I don’t honk at random people and I don’t find you remotely sexy. The crazy issue is debatable, but I assure you, there is a good reason for me laying on the horn. Here are a few reasons why I honked at you:
You’re swerving into my lane
See Jane pass Dick. Oh no, Dick doesn't see Jane because he is too busy trying to find his favorite radio station. OOPS. Swerve Dick, swerve. DICK! You almost hit Jane! See Jane use censored hand gestures.
You forgot that you have a turn signal
Guess what I’m going to do?! It’s a fun game! I’m going to stop suddenly and do something! Can you guess? Ha! I bet you can’t! I might turn left, I might turn right…who knows?? Huh. Wouldn't it be great if they invented something to help other drivers figure out and maybe warn them that I’m going to turn soon? Oh, I’d be a millionaire if I invented that!! Oh well, in the meantime, try not to rear end me when I decide to turn into the McDonald's at the last minute! WEEEEEE!
Look at this lady, she must be a professional juggler for the circus! What talent! She can eat, text, and put on her lipstick all while driving! Ok, she isn't accomplishing the driving part very well, but 3 out of 4 ain't bad. For her next trick, she’s going to try not to wrap her car around a pole!
You pulled out in front of me at the last minute and then went 20 miles under the speed limit:
THANK YOU SO MUCH for deciding to pull out in front of me. Now I know my brakes work! Since you were such a desperate hurry to get in front of me, you are going to pick up the pace, right? Nope, I guess not. Suddenly you lost all your hustle and bustle after I almost kissed the steering wheel. Now you have all the time in the world. Funny how that works.
You fell asleep at the green light
Awww sweetie, I’m sorry I woke you up! I know it’s your nappy time but I have places to go today. So get your thumb out of your…mouth and MOVE IT!!
Road Rage Karma
As you can see, my horn is the supreme herald of your idiocy. Ok, a nicer way of saying it is: it’s the sound of caring. I care that you don’t kill me. I care a lot. So next time, instead of being in the mental fog you usually drive in, focus on actually driving for a change. Speaking for myself and fellow drivers everywhere, I sincerely appreciate it.