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Why Family Gatherings Cause Us to Drink Heavily

Updated on August 2, 2018

I am sure I have told you before but I am Italian..mix in Catholic, add a sprinkle of Mormon..with a side of co-dependency and that creates the worst 'casserole of crazy' you have ever set your sights on. Well people it is the holidays. *dun dun dun* If we are being honest? We all dread the holidays at least a little.

I am thinking whomever wins the "hostess position" Or as I like to call it, "WORST LOTTO EVER", that person is the most stressed. Well that lucky person is almost always me. Why? Because I have the biggest house, and if we are being honest, I am the best cook. Ok, ok..if we are being really honest? It is because I am a control freak and don't trust others.

Regardless of the reason I host at least 1-2 holidays a year at my home. Now of course whomever hosts relaxes the least. While everyone else is either 'in my way' or sitting comfortably on their rumps in the living room, I am in the kitchen sweating to death while chugging Moscato like I am winning a contest. By the time dinner rolls around I have a nice buzz and a non-existent appetite. Since I am a huge fan of lists, I figured I would compile one with some helpful tips on how you can stay out of the padded cell and AA....

1. You are not Martha Stewart..just accept it! SHE isn't even a true Martha Stewart, she has a staff! Do you? No? Ok well then stop putting those socks on the turkey and buy the cranberry in a can...nobody has ever died from that. Well, I think, I might need BillyBuc to do one of those Google searches for that info? I will get back to you.

2. DO NOT bring up a memory!! I do NOT care if you have it on video!!! The story is ALWAYS different to someone else and will ALWAYS end up in a fight! I don't care if you are the ONLY one in said 'memory'! Shut your mouth and eat your sockless turkey!

3. Have alcohol ready at ALL TIMES. If you can get Xanax, try that too, I figure if I get drunk and 'relaxed' enough, regardless of the confrontation at that point I will think it's funny.

4. Sit at the kid table, trust me on this. If you are at the kid table, you are most likely 'under the radar' for Uncle Pete's rant about how Grandma burned the turkey in '79...

5. Remember that this is only a few short hours of your life and it will be over soon. This is not forever, it does end, I promise.

6. It is totally acceptable to spend part of your night hidden in your minivan drinking beer....not that I've ever done this *ahem*, I am just saying it is is? Right?

7. Plan your outfit accordingly, and those of your children and husband. Look people I would much rather spend the holidays in my oversized reindeer shirt from '87 and a pair of leggings, but we all know Aunt Ellen will make a comment on how sad it is that 'The holidays aren't like they used to be where everyone dressed up, and what if this is her last holiday and she has to remember you in that outfit'...suck it up and pull up your spanx. Make the husband wear a nice shirt and just honestly go with my old reliable. "Court Clothes". Put everyone in their "Court Clothes".

8. If you are the host make sure YOU are the one cooking the main course! PLEASE! This is so important! I am sure that Cousin Jan has a KILLER turkey/ham recipe, but remember that most leftovers stay at your house and the last thing you want to be left with is Cousin Jan's 'Avacado Turkey Suprise'. I have made this mistake before and it always ends badly.

9. PLEASE, please, please... Lock your bedroom door. The last person you want in your 'cavern of sexy' is Grandpa Harry taking a nap while drooling on your egyptian cotton sheets, OR the children finding your 'drawer of fun'...C'mon, don't act like you don't have that drawer...everyone does..and no please don't share!

10. Last but not least, take a deep breath and just relax. As much as being surrounded by 25 people in your kitchen built for 8 stinks, these memories will last a lifetime. These chaotic moments will bring at least a few laughs and most likely a few tears, but truth be told, tomorrow you can wake up, pop that reindeer shirt on and plop on the couch enjoying the yourself...

Holidays are stressful, but they are important. I remember each and every one of mine around my grandmothers big oval table. There was laughter, there were tears, but most importantly there were moments...and moments can sometimes take your breath away....

Happy Holidays to you all...I am so grateful to each of you and hope your Christmas season brings you joy...and most of all...moments...


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    • Tactfullyrude profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from Idaho

      Thank you my friend!!!! Did you do your assignment and google cranberry sauce in the can death?!!! Inquiring minds want to know!!!! Haha!!

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 

      7 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Too funny! The kids table just happens to be the table where all the fun is happening. I'm always there!

      Great fun! I am glad you are back, and I hope you have a deliriously happy holiday season.


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