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Do Pee Like a Racehorse
Piss Like a Racehorse
By Wes J. Pimentel
There are many sayings that are a mystery to me. While most of these clichéd bits of wisdom have obvious roots, some just defy any sort of deductive reasoning or discernment. The following is a review of stuff that we say all the time, but have no idea why.
Bullshit. Why on earth does male bovine fecal matter mean misinformation? Is there something deceptive about cow poop? As far as I can tell, it comes out the back, lands on the ground, stinks, and passes through the typical color changes. Most crap displays these qualities. Why do we feel the need to pick on bulls? Did someone try to pass off a pile of moo-doo as something else at some point? I can just see some 18th century puritan like, “Oh! This is wonderful. Mr. Smith sent over some bread pudding!” Then, after the first taste it’s like, “Wait a second. That’s not bread pudding. That’s bullshit!” From there it just caught on, I guess. I mean, there’s nothing inherently misleading about the stuff. There had to have been a dishonest human involved somehow. It’s just harmless brown matter. In fact, it can be really useful. If you’re camping out in a cow neighborhood and you don’t have insect repellant, you can burn a dried-up cow patty by where you sleep and presto! No bugs. Or, if you want to try a cool new hair-do, you can use bullshit to facilitate dread-locks. There you have it. I think overall, the Bessie bombs have gotten a bad rap.
Piece of cake. What’s so easy about a piece of cake? Nothing, that’s what. If right now, I asked you for a piece of cake, I’d have to wait about two hours, including all the prep time. You have to secure a recipe, gather (or buy) the ingredients, mix it up, bake it, cut it in half, fill it with icing, cover it with icing, decorate it, and finally cut it into individual servings. When you think about it, a piece of cake is one of the most complicated undertakings in existence. Why the hell does this saying mean something easy? It’s like, “So, can you do that for me?” “Sure, it’s a piece of cake.” How did this get started? Imagine the world without that saying in place. If I was to ask someone for something and they said, “Piece of cake” I’d think to myself, Great! This is going to take forever and involve a bunch of complicated steps. Most sayings make sense. This one is the exact opposite of what it means. From now on I’m going to flip it. Whenever I encounter a time-consuming, complicated project I’m going to say something like, “Oh shit. This is going to be a real piece of cake,” and see if it catches on. Probably not. I’m sure people will look at me like I’m the weird one.
Scot free. “He got away scot-free.” Does this mean the person made it away without any “scot,” or what? I don’t get it. Perhaps it means he escaped in a manner reminiscent of Scot, whoever that is. I guess it could mean you got away as free as a Scotsman, but what makes Scottish freedom stand out in comparison to other nationalities’ freedoms? This one is just a total mystery to me. I know so little I can’t even say anything humorous about it. If you know where this saying came from, please email me. Thanks.
Chip on your shoulder. This can go two ways. Either there’s a chip missing from said shoulder, or there is a chip of some foreign material placed atop the shoulder in question. This saying relates to the emotional baggage leftover after some kind of trauma. If it means that what you went through left you slightly incomplete as a person, then I kind of see it. Why the shoulder, though? Shoulders have no emotional significance, other than where you carry certain burdens. But why would a “shouldered” burden remove a chunk of you? In that usage the shoulder is analogous to the strength one uses to handle the situation, therefore it wouldn’t make sense for this hefty little body part to be damaged. I could see a chip on your heart, but your shoulder? Whatever.
So, what if it means the latter? Some object resting on you. I guess if you had some foreign object on your shoulder, it would kind of impede your daily activities, so I can almost see that too. But again, why the damned shoulder? Wouldn’t a chip on your nose be much more distracting? If you had a chip of something on your nose, you’d be hard pressed to focus on anything but the friggin’ thing. It’d be like, “Well, I’d like to start a deeply committed relationship with you, but I can’t see past this attention-grabbing chip on my nose!” See? It makes much more sense that way.
Piss like a racehorse. Why? Do racehorses pee often? Do they expel large amounts of urine? Usually when people say this they mean they have to pee urgently because having a full bladder is uncomfortable and urinating oneself is just bad form. I can’t see horses going through this. Horses aren’t housebroken and they don’t wear clothing, so they can just go any time they want to. In fact, I’ve seen police horses in New York City just shit while walking in a parade. If a horse who’s supposed to be representing New York City’s finest in front of hundreds of thousands of people can just drop pounds and pounds of crap in the middle of the street, peeing any time they want to must be no problem. Maybe it’s the amount. Horses probably pee a couple gallons at a time. I don’t know, I’m a city boy. Anyway, even if they do, it can’t be more than other 500 pound animals, can’t it? I’m sure giraffes, zebras, and camels pee just as much. So, why horses? Do people in the middle-east say, “Pee like a race camel?” The real reason I don’t get this one though, is the racing part. What is it about racing that makes horses pee so much, or so often, or so urgently, or whatever it is? And even if racehorses pee more or more often than regular horses and horses pee more or more often than other animals their size, when did this become common knowledge? Who found this out? Did I miss a documentary or something? There’s got to be an animal out there that can top a racehorse; if not a hippo, a rhino, or an elephant, then definitely a blue whale. I have to pee like a blue whale. Wow. Now that’s saying something.
So, there it is. I’ll probably write another one of these as I collect more weird sayings. I’m sure I missed a couple. ‘Til then chill out, and don’t get your panties in a bunch.