ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Wooden People More Prone to Depression

Updated on December 2, 2010

Verbal abuse

"I've been called terrible names," Woody told this reporter. "You have no idea how it affects me." Woody speaks for many of his people with regard to the prejudice they face on a daily basis. Woody (last name withheld) states that he regularly confronts verbal abuse. He believes this bullying is a prime reason why people of wood succumb to depression at a far higher rate than metal or plastic people.

"People have said I am unemotional, which couldn't be further from the truth," Woody stated.

"You do seem kind of wooden," I prompted."A bit stiff."

"That's exactly what I'm talking about," he responded."It's those kinds of remarks that really cut deep."

"Kind of like a saw?" I suggested.

"Yes. Those words cut like a saw," Woody said. I snickered, but in a totally objective manner.

Health problems

Woody deals with several health issues, as do many of his kind. He has sawdust which is the wooden version of dandruff. "It's impossible to find a good sawdust shampoo," Woody explained. "Dandruff shampoo is everywhere. Only the best for regular people, but manufacturers don't care about people of wood."

Woody is not the only one who deals with health issues. Wooden people are beset by a laundry list of ailments not experienced by other people, such as knotholes, termite infestation, cracking, splitting, dull finish, moisture sensitivity which can result in warping, and dry rot. "These are problems not faced by people of steel or plastic," he lamented.


"Metal people do seem to be much hardier than wooden ones," I agreed.

"Well, they're not plagued by the same troubles as we are," Woody stated, somewhat offended. "They have it easy. So do the plastic ones."


On a daily basis, Woody must be vigilant against predators such as the aforementioned termites, along with woodpeckers, wood borers, and urinating dogs.

"The world is a very dangerous place for people like me," Woody said. "Just look at all the weapons out there that specifically target my people."

He is making reference to shavers, saws, drills, punches, lathes, buffers, sanders, and the like.

"They're everywhere," Woody said, with a shake of his head.

Legal implications

There are currently no laws protecting people of wood in this country. The world is slow to recognize their rights. In fact, they have none.

"It's just something we live with," Woody commented. 


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Karen Wodke profile imageAUTHOR

      Karen Wodke 

      7 years ago from Midwest

      Thanks, Enlydia! I'm glad someone understands me.

    • Enlydia Listener profile image

      Enlydia Listener 

      7 years ago from trailer in the country

      I love this...I totally understand your cool.

    • Karen Wodke profile imageAUTHOR

      Karen Wodke 

      8 years ago from Midwest

      Thanks, Funride!

    • funride profile image

      Ricardo Nunes 

      8 years ago from Portugal

      Oh Karen... where have you been? I`ve just found your hubs and already I can`t stop laughing :D

      I`ll definitely read all your new hubs... now is time to read more of your very funny hubs ;)


    • Karen Wodke profile imageAUTHOR

      Karen Wodke 

      8 years ago from Midwest

      Lobsouse?? I am intrigued. I will have to look it up.

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 

      8 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Metaphorically is a wondrous word, that's for sure.

      One of my picks would have to be 'lobscouse,' but I rarely have a chance to use it. Pity.

      Do check it out!! ;)

    • Karen Wodke profile imageAUTHOR

      Karen Wodke 

      8 years ago from Midwest

      thank you Lindajot. I'm glad you enjoy them.

    • lindajot profile image


      8 years ago from Willamette Valley - Oregon

      You make me smile, and your hubs are terrific!

    • Karen Wodke profile imageAUTHOR

      Karen Wodke 

      8 years ago from Midwest

      You are right, Lorlie. I avoided giving some really grisly facts in this article, and therefore didn't mention rotating saws, mills, and grinders. If people of wood would just organize, they might have some power. Alas, they can't see the forest for the trees and woodchucks are around every corner. Well, not really. But metaphorically. Well, not really that either, but I do like to use the word "metaphorically" whenever possible.

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 

      8 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      And to see those woodchucks tossing the poor things around! It's a pity. Perhaps the wooden folks can start picketing-with their relatives as the pickets-for civil rights!

    • Shadesbreath profile image


      8 years ago from California

      Hah! Another funny one. You are a fine pun-weaver. Love it.

      "I snickered, but in a totally objective manner." lol. Me too.

    • Poohgranma profile image


      8 years ago from On the edge

      You have taken satire to a new level - I LOVE it!

    • Karen Wodke profile imageAUTHOR

      Karen Wodke 

      8 years ago from Midwest

      Thanks for presenting an opposing view, Quickly! Woody is a bit of a whiner sometimes.

    • quicklysilver profile image


      8 years ago from wexford, ireland

      Not all wooden people suffer from depression, in fact very few do, woody is well known for his tails of poor me. I am a healthy wooden man, I get myself varnished once a week and this keeps me in good health.

      I just think people need to see both sides of this life.

    • Karen Wodke profile imageAUTHOR

      Karen Wodke 

      8 years ago from Midwest

      Thanks, Bryan.

    • Bryan Robertson profile image

      Bryan Robertson 

      8 years ago from Tennessee, United States

      Funny stuff, Karen! I agree with Dream On - Great imagination!

    • Karen Wodke profile imageAUTHOR

      Karen Wodke 

      8 years ago from Midwest

      Thanks, Scarlett. Sometimes I hang out on the fringes of the ridiculous.

    • Scarlett My Dear profile image

      Scarlett My Dear 

      8 years ago from Missouri

      *Smiles A Lot!*

      I wondered which came first, the interviewer leading this poor fella to the woodshed OR the author's imagination taking root with this absurdly entertaining picture. Thank you for making me laugh this morning, Karen!

    • profile image

      L a d y f a c e 

      8 years ago

      This was hilarious. So, in fact, that I sent it to some friends. lol. Thanks :) You have a wonderful imagination.

    • Karen Wodke profile imageAUTHOR

      Karen Wodke 

      8 years ago from Midwest

      Thanks, I had to come up with something when I stumbled across this photo. Isn't that little man just too cute?

    • DREAM ON profile image

      DREAM ON 

      8 years ago

      You have such a great imagination!!!I loved it all.

    • billyaustindillon profile image


      8 years ago

      Karen great satire - some very powerful points in reality illustrated through humor and I was thinking where is Buzz Lightyear while at the same time my mind was thinking.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)