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Year One.

Updated on March 28, 2014

The first day is unbearable. The first month is unforgettable. The first year is...

It’s been a year now. He wonders if he still remembers her completely. Memories? Does he still have them? Not completely. He lost them along the way. He never knew how his life would turn out without her. He became broken, desperate, lost, many things more. He held a choice, but now it’s gone. But does the choice really matter? Does anything really matter when it comes to something that will completely change your life? You take a leap of faith, that’s it. Everything will fall according to plan, whatever the plan is.

People tend to forget others, because of the memories that hurt their heads. But in reality, those memories that hurt, the memories that they remember, those are the ones that made them live, the ones that made them survive. He can’t just forget about her. He just can’t go on with his life without her. His life will have no worth, no direction, no purpose.

His room now is empty. Yes, it is filled with furniture, books, things that he needs to survive, but there is an emptiness that he feels, a hole that he can’t cover, a void that cannot be fixed. You can’t fix something that isn’t there; you can’t fix something that doesn’t exist. What you do is forget about it, forget that it was there, and forget that it ever existed. You don’t fix it, you forget about it. And forgetting about it is something that he just can’t do. There’s a part in his brain telling him not to let go of her, a part that stayed with him throughout the entire year that she’s been gone from his life.


The flowers in their garden bloomed, it was finally spring. After two months of thick snow and cold weather, the sun finally shined, blessing the people of Earth with warmth. She was in the garden when he woke up. She attended to the pink flowers that bloomed and she had a smile in her face. He looked at her from the door, silently watching as she snips off different weeds from the flowers. She loved their garden, the garden that they built together. It was one of the things that she cherished the most. He was satisfied by her happiness in their garden, he was satisfied with his life with her. Actually, he was something more than “satisfied”. He was beyond happy, beyond heaven when he sees her smile, when he sees her contended and happy. So why did she leave him? Wasn’t she happy? Wasn’t she the one? He doesn’t remember any answer; all he remembers was his questions, questions that until this very moment have not yet been answered.


He takes the bus now. He has a car, a beautiful Honda civic which some people don’t have around the States, but he has it. He always loved driving that car, especially the fact that it’s an automatic; it makes driving much easier and makes it feel like a breeze. But now, things have changed; even the car has an empty void that can never be filled. Uncomfortable feelings that take him away from the car and made him take the bus instead.

The bus was always buzzing with people. Some going to work, like him, some taking a ride to the nearest mall or to the city, some just taking a ride along, but for him it’s an easy escape away from the things that kills him. Whenever a passenger would like to take a seat next to him, he would offer it with a smile, a smile that he practiced for such a long time. He needed to have that smile for his friends, for his family members, for the people who care for him after what happened. He needed to show them that he’s fine and that he’s happy now. Even though he’s not and that he will never be.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­He thought, he knew that nothing would ever separate them. His life was complete until a certain day in his life arrived. A day that he would continually try to forget and eventually he did forget, but not completely.


He arrived in his house only to find out that his loved one was eating an entire bucket of chocolate ice cream and watching a very sad movie about love. She wasn’t fat, she works out in the nearby gym but eating a bucket of chocolate ice cream was something that she does if something is wrong. She doesn’t cry or vent out bad feelings, she tries to hide them as much as possible. But he knew that there was something wrong. When you’ve been with someone for such a long time you start to know things that they hide, things that they don’t want to show to other people. And when you’ve been with someone for such a long time, you can see things in their eyes; you can see what they feel through their eyes. What he sees in her that time was that she was sad.

“Okay, what’s wrong?” He said as he sits right next to her in the couch. Her eyes were fixed to the television and her hand slowly taking scoops of ice cream.

“Nothing.” She replied plainly, eyes still fixed to the movie.

“I’ve been with you for five years. You eating ice cream without me or not sharing it with anyone mean something is wrong, add the sad movie you’re watching, that sums up everything. That or you’re actually breaking your diet, which I know you would never do in your entire life.” He said and smiled.

She laughed a bit. She hates it when he reads her like that. Her small laugh turned to a big hearty laugh and tears started to flow from her eyes. She can no longer hold it. She looked at him, tears in her eyes.

“I’m leaving. I’m leaving...” Her voice broken by her sad emotion.

He didn’t know what to say to her. She’s leaving. As if saying it twice was more than enough. He wanted to ask her why, but his throat was numb. He can’t say anything. He felt that he was trembling, that he was going to fall down to the ground. After a few moments that they looked at each other he gathered enough strength to ask.

“Why?” He asked simply, trying to hold back his tears. He held her shoulder.

“Dad wants me to, he said that I’m wasting my life here with you. He said that I have more potential with somebody else.” She was completely crying now. Her dad didn’t like him very much. But he knew he offered her a life that she loved. He hugged her.

“No, I’m not going to let him take you away from me. Never.” He said to her from behind her face as he hugs her more tightly. Tears now falling from his eyes. He knew that someday this would happen and now he felt so helpless. She will be soon gone and there was nothing he could do.


He remembers a choice that he had. He remembered the idea that was all. He doesn’t remember if he did it or not. But he remembers a choice that he held and let go. Was there a chance for her to stay? He remembers her walking to her dad’s car, tears in her eyes. She tried her best to smile at him as her tears roll down her face. A broken smile, but a smile nonetheless. He gave her a smile back and waved goodbye, his tears obvious to her now. She waved back and turned around. That was their final goodbye. The love of his life taken away from him, that easily.

Days have passed, months, a year, and he could not forget about her and the empty voids she left in his life. Broken and can never be fixed.

He has been thinking a lot lately. Every bus ride, every time he goes back home. All he does now is think; think where he had gone wrong. He just can’t fight her family can he? He can and he will. A year has passed and both of their idea of forever is slowly fading. He can and he will fight for whatever that is left. He just prays to God that it’s not too late.

The first day is unbearable. The first month is unforgettable. The first year is a new life.


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