- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Commercial & Creative Writing»
- Creative Writing»
- Humor Writing
You Know You are Getting Old When.....
There are a number of signs or clues to look for that may warn you that you are getting old. I have drawn up a list that I feel may help anyone with any doubts to identify for certain that they are finally "over the hill" and perhaps accept the fact that old age has finally arrived and that it is not so bad to have finally turned into the Grandparent that you once adored, (whilst possibly occasionally having a giggle at with the rest of your family!!!!)
1) When you start to complain that you can " not understand the words in today's music".
2) When you look through your car steering wheel, rather than over it!
3) When you stop wearing high heels and always choose "comfortable" shoes instead, (Ladies only I hope!!!).
4) When your shopping list includes corn plasters, haemorrhoid cream and incontinence underwear.
5) When your favourite TV programme is Coronation Street.
6) When you find that you are stopped by the Police for driving your car too slowly rather than for speeding!
7) When you get on the bus and people you think of as "old", offer you their seat!
8) When "Sterident" is in your bathroom cabinet instead of toothpaste!
9) When your ideal bed companion is your hot water bottle!
10) When you have to get your neighbours to come round and open the lid to your pickle jar.
11) When you invest in a small trolley to hold your shopping so that you can drag it home afterwards.
12) When you decide a "blue rinse" is the ideal hair colour.
13) When your ideal night out is to play "Bingo".
14) When you can no longer cut your own toenails.
15) When you and your Doctor are on first name terms.
16) When you get complaints from your neighbours that your TV is too loud.
17) When you find that your adult children are suddenly taller than you, (yet they never were up until a few years ago), plus your previously knee length skirt now reaches your ankles!
18) When sex between you and your partner is an annual event, (and then only if you can manage it without needing to call out an ambulance afterwards).
19) When you have to get everyone to repeat everything twice and complain that they all talk too quietly.
20) When every new electronic gadget to come on to the market seems an impossible challenge to use without asking the nearest 7 year old to show you how it works, (and even then you can't remember half of what they said).
21) When SAGA start sending you out holiday brochures.
22) When you begin receiving those "Over 50 Funeral Plan" offers.
23) When you begin collecting cats.
24) When your idea of an exciting sport is Crown Green Bowls.
25) When you realise that suddenly your children have become your parents and are now doing everything for you that you used to do for them!!!
Just a Few More Giggles Now.....
A Few Jokes.....
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came!"
Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.”
“He may be a hundred and three,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” replies the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.
“I don’t remember.”
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, joined the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The Ticket Agent asked, 'Sir, What's that on your shoulder?'
The old farmer said, 'That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.'
'I'm sorry Sir, ' said the Ticket Agent. 'We can't allow animals in the theater.'
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
'Marge,' whispered Mildred.
'What?' said Marge.
'I think the guy next to me is a pervert.'
'What makes you think so?' asked Marge.
'He undid his pants and he has his thing out.' whispered Mildred.
'Well, don't worry about it,' said Marge. 'Hell, at our age we've seen 'em all'.
'I thought so too,' said Mildred, 'but this one's eatin my popcorn.'
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?"
Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning each of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
Three little old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.
With Special Thanks To...
- Over the Hill, Getting Old, Senior Citizen Humor Cartoons - Old age jokes and funny photos
P&M Homecare senior citizen humor, jokes and cartoons. Words of wisdom