- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Commercial & Creative Writing»
- Creative Writing»
- Humor Writing
You Know you're a Blogger if Top Ten
The difference between being a blogger and really being a blogger
You know you’re a blogger if is my version of the infamous you know you’re a redneck if. Jeff Foxworthy and I don’t have a lot in common, he’s a comedian turned game show host turned author who actually has his own page on amazon.com. I’m a freelance writer turned author turned blogger who has one book on one page on amazon.com. It would appear I have some catching up to do. One thing we do have in common is a slightly warped sense of humour. While Jeff takes jabs at rednecks I bump bloggers.
Bloggers, I’ve discovered, are a breed of their own with substantially different work habits, environments and attitudes than nine to fivers. Bloggers get up when they want, start work when they want, take a coffee break when they want, and take time off when they want. Bloggers don’t have to request a vacation hoping that someone with more seniority doesn’t grab their week resulting in having to visit their favourite holiday locale of HobokenNJ in the middle of January or Palm Desert CA in June.
Being a blogger allows one certain freedoms that would not be tolerated in the real world. For example you can wear pyjamas all day if you’re of a mind to. You don’t have to comb your hair until you happen to catch a glimpse of yourself and then you realize you haven’t brushed your teeth yet either. If you’re a female blogger there’s no need to apply make-up other than your own desire to do so. Pantyhose or heels aren’t necessities when you work from home. Men don’t have to don a tie unless, of course, it matches their boxers and then it becomes a fashion statement.
If a blogger wants to bathe mid morning or bask in the afternoon sun or stare out the window for 15 minutes just because you can, no one will say a word. Well, if the tie isn’t a fit for the boxers some neighbours may have an opinion the next time they chat to you over the fence. And ladies, if you’re expecting a delivery from a hunky UPS guy make sure the pyjamas are appropriate for the occasion, no flannel nighties.
So without further ado
Bloggers’ mentalities are museful, demeanours are dauntless, their attitudes affable and ethnicity extensive. And yet a majority all possess some of the same quirks aforementioned. With that being said here are a few of the quirkiest quirks for your enjoyment. If they make you laugh out loud then my job was done well, if they make you grin slightly I’ll do better next time, but if they make you roll on the floor in a fit of hysterical laughter then my mission has been accomplished.
So without further ado I offer you my top ten you know you’re a blogger if…
If the dishwasher is full, hasn’t been turned on yet and there’s still dirty dishes in the sink you know you’re a blogger.
If the dishwasher is full, hasn’t been turned on yet and you buy paper plates and plastic utensils you really know you’re a blogger.
If you run out of clean pyjamas and can’t see the laundry basket for the overflowing mound of clothes you know you’re a blogger.
If you run out of clean pyjamas, can’t see the laundry basket for the overflowing mound of clothes and sit around naked all day you really know you’re a blogger.
If you look at the time on your computer and it reads 1pm but you swear it was only 8am five minutes ago you know you’re a blogger.
If you look at the time on your computer, but your eyes are too blurry to even see the time let alone read it you really know you’re a blogger.
If you start using outlook calendar to remind you to go to the bathroom you know you’re a blogger.
If you start wearing depends so you don’t have to go to the bathroom you really know you’re a blogger.
If you drive the kids to school in your housecoat and slippers you know you’re a blogger.
If you reach in your wallet and give the kids twenty bucks for a taxi you really know you’re a blogger.
If dinner consists of corn dogs and a lean cuisine that’s been in the freezer for two years you know you’re a blogger.
If there’s no fast food in the freezer, but there’s a can of your feline friend’s dinner in the cupboard that you’re actually contemplating eating you really know you’re a blogger.
If you turn on the computer before you turn on the coffee you know you’re a blogger.
If you turn on the computer before you turn on your spouse you really know you’re a blogger.
If you start to prefer cold coffee over hot you know you’re a blogger.
If you start to prefer a cold shoulder over hot sex you really know you’re a blogger.
If you use your avatar on Christmas cards instead of a family photo you know you’re a blogger.
If you use your avatar on Christmas cards because your family moved out you really know you’re a blogger.
If you email your spouse rather than get up from the computer to have a conversation you know you’re a blogger.
If you email your spouse because he followed through with the divorce and you want your alimony check you really know you’re a blogger.
One last thing… even though I would like to believe I’m smarter than a fifth grader I must admit I would probably drop out of school, take the money and run… I mean face the audience and admit that I wasn’t smarter than a fifth grader. What are they teaching children these days?
Footnote: without further ado Cliché without further talk. (An overworked phrase usually heard in public announcements.) I agree, but it was so fitting. Definition from http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/without+further+ado