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You Need a New Flat Screen TV
Do You Need a New Television?
If you purchased your last TV before your last meal, you need a new television. Advancements in technology are advancing faster than you could possibly imagine. Try to imagine a factory where new ideas go in one end and amazing flat screens come out the other end. Incredibly smart human beings and their robots work together 24 hours a day to bring you the latest and greatest technology intended to improve the time you spend on the couch or vegging out in your dorm room.
It simply keeps getting better. Stay tuned to this space for everything wonderful and amazing in digital television technology. Gizmos that we can't even begin to understand are being built into TVs that will be obsolete next week. It's all good, but you'd better get it while it's hot. Tomorrow everyone will have it and you'll feel like less of a person.
You Want a New Flat Screen Television
New is best. Only new televisions are worth the electricity to illuminate the little power-on LED adorning the front panel. An old TV embarrasses you and your family. Your kids cannot show their faces in AP calculus knowing that when they get home they will face an old television. How do you expect your progeny to get accepted to Ivy League colleges if you make them watch last-years' TV? You may want to be ashamed of yourself.
Your New TV Must Be Interoperable
Your new TV should interface with all your other devices. It must talk the language of toasters, electronic toothbrushes, lawn mowers, and the invisible fence in your neighbor's backyard. When you switch it on, it should download the weather from every country in the world and tell me if you can expect rain 3 weeks from Sunday at noon. It should interface with the refrigerator so you can easily determine if levels of chocolate ice cream are dangerously low.
Your PS3 and your Xbox must absolutely talk to your new TV. Your phone should be capable of calling your TV and asking "what's on?" Your USB flash drive should plug into the side of your TV to download photographs and pirated movies. Your digital watch should establish a reliable line-of-sight wireless link to your TV for no good reason whatsoever.
You want an Eye-Popping Display
No TV is worth getting excited about unless the display makes your eyes pop. Your eyes should be sad when they have to look at anything else. When you glance at the screen out of the corner of your eye, you should be able to see an incredible life-like realism that's only available in your living room. It should look more real then reality.
Curled up on your couch, you should be engaged, enthralled, and entranced. It should be impossible for you to look away even if you're watching The View. Every color every created in nature must be reproduced in stunning digital clarity.
You Want a Very Simple Remote Control
Your remote control should be easy to use and heart-rendingly functional. Every button should be easy to identify and locate: no function should take more than .001 seconds to locate and activate. Legends on the buttons must never wear off despite repeated smears of taco sauce and jelly doughnuts.
Your remote control must never get lost.If you drop it between the sofa cushions, it should reappear at your bedside the next morning, like a high-tech puppy.
Since your amazing new television is worthless without its' remote, there must be a subliminal connection between the two devices that cannot be rent asunder by time or distance. If you take your remote control on vacation, it should control your TV and any other TV in any other hotel, sports bar, or hospital room that you visit.
Your remote control should have a screen so you can watch TV on it. It should have a wireless Internet connection to other remotes in the neighborhood, even if those other remotes were built last month. This network of remotes should co-ordinate their unused processing time to to search for undiscovered prime numbers.
You Want a Big Screen
Your screen cannot be small. If the screen fits into your minivan, it's too small. Your screen should require special delivery by a professional rigging service that uses their cranes to build military bases when they are not delivering flat screen televisions. Only factory-trained engineers with graduate degrees should be permitted to install your new TV.
Your screen should consume at least one entire wall of your TV-watching room. If necessary, brick up a window or a door in order to provide sufficient wall space. Move your furniture to the spare bedroom during installation and leave it there. The room needs nothing but your television, the remote, and a TV tray: any additional possessions will only detract from the hugeness of the screen.
Your TV Must have Many Many Channels
Your latest television should receive a boatload of channels. If anyone else in the world can watch it, it must also be on TV in your house. If there's a public access channel that shows reruns of weather forecasts in The Australian Outback, you need so be able to flip to it. The TV tuner should support 5 digit channels, digital channels, analog channels, and a channel-guide channel.
Someday, with advances in technology, there will be an Andy Griffith Channel. Your TV must be prepared.
Your TV needs lots of D's
Every moron knows there are only 5 dimensions: length, width, height, time, and Oprah. We get TVs in cereal boxes that handle such. You need more, so much more.
Your television must transcend pedestrian dimensions to extend into multi-phased universes of visual renderings that would make the crew of the Star Ship Enterprise jealous. And we're not talking about the original TV Enterprise, either. We refer to the J.J. Abrams Enterprise that chronologically came before all the other Enterprises but somehow had much cooler technology. Anyway, if the crew of the Enterprise could spend but a few star dates watching your new TV, they would stand down and resign their commissions and give up on all that Boldly Going nonsense.
Your current TV has become outdated and worthless while you read this sentence. Go get a new one. We'll be here when you get back.