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You Never Existed

Updated on January 25, 2012

Sibling Rivalary or Personlity Disorder?

18,627 days ago, something wonderful happened to me! I was adopted into a family that was unable to conceive a child on their own.

My parents were married for ten years but unable to conceive a child naturally and this is before IVF or GIFT or any of the many other options for treating infertility. So they did the next best thing-they adopted.

When my mother got the call from the attorney that they had a baby girl, she was informed that I was fair in coloring with blonde hair and blue eyes. When the nurse placed me in my mother's arms, she looked down upon a black haired, dark skinned, dark eyed baby. My mother asked if she had been given the correct child. I have often teased my mother by telling her that was her way out-she could have refused me. But she has always stuck with the comment that I could not have belonged any better than if she had delivered me herself.

I was an only child for about 15 months when they got a repeat call from the attorney asking if they would be interested in having another baby. My parents jumped at the chance for another child.

Growing up in my family, I have always know that I was adopted and very proud of that fact. When I would get teased in school that I wasn't really my parents and that I wasn't natural, I would take great pride in replying that I wasn't an accident-that my place in my family was a chosen spot. I was always interested in my adoption but my sister would never discuss her background. She always stated that her birth parents could not have loved her-that she was cast aside.

My sister and I grew up and as it is with most siblings, there was always that jealousy partner. My sister was the more goody two shoes and I was the one that pushed the boundaries. My sister would be home an hour before her curfew and I was always 15 minutes late. My sister was into dance, crafting,playing the piano and cooking. I was into chasing (and sometimes catching) boys. I was more athletic and my sister was the bookworm. I perceived that my parents were more proud of her than me but I didn't "suffer" because of my perception. We were never close as sisters. We never did the giggling in the bed, talking about which boy was the cutest. We never swapped clothes with each other because our fashion senses were worlds apart. We didn't attend the same parties because she was not into the social scene at the various schools we attended. We didn't share makeup tips because I was more tomboy than diva. However, we did love each other. Or so I thought...

Fast forward 26 years. I had been unable to conceive naturally on my own and had tried some infertility treatments with no success. I got pregnant, naturally once at 27 but as soon as the doctor said that I was pregnant- in the next breath stated that I was having a miscarriage. Well actually, two of them. An ultrasound revealed no yolk sack(fertilized egg) so a D&C was performed because I was hemorrhaging. A week later, I passed out, had severe abdominal pain and was feverish. Another pregnancy test revealed that I was pregnant. "How can that be-I had a D&C performed". The doctor stated that it was an ectopic pregnancy and I needed immediate surgery or I would die. I asked if I would still be able to get pregnant and he said that they would be able to remove the baby(sorry-I believe that life begins at conception) and leave my female plumbing intact. I called my mother and we mourned this loss.

My sister, however, was fertile Myrtle. She could just walk past a bed and get pregnant. She was married and had already had a baby and one was on the way when I told her the news. She also mourned this loss with me.

My sister became pregnant outside of marriage 17 years ago and she didn't believe in abortion and didn't want to keep the child because there was to be no father figure in this child's life. She knew that I was going through infertility treatments because after my miscarriage, I had not achieved pregnancy. My sister called me and offered my her unborn child. I was ecstatic to say the least. We discussed her growing belly and milestones and she even kept a baby journal for me, relating to her unborn child, that even though she was birthing the baby, that my husband and I were the parents.

I had several baby showers thrown for me and we had prepared the nursery(we were going to have a boy). When her due date came and went with no call from her telling me where and when we could get our child, I became concerned. Did she have a stillborn? Did the natural father not want to sign over parental rights? What was going on? I called her and she told me that she would never be able to give her son to me-that she was already in love with him.

I was devastated! She already had three children with her first husband and they had divorced so she was raising these children without the father in the house. This baby's daddy did not want to marry my sister but it didn't matter. I was not to be a mother.

She then went on to have yet another child out of wedlock so she has 5 children.

Fast forward another 8 years. We are attending my oldest nephew's(not the child promised to me) Marine Boot Camp graduation when my sister tells me that she is considering being a surrogate mother. She stated that she wanted to give a couple the wonderful privilege of being parents. I could have picked my jaw up off the floor! I reminded her of the fact that her second to last child had been promised to me by her. She said, "Oh yeah, that's right. I had forgotten about that." WHAT!!!

Fast forward to this past December. Our mother had fallen and was in the hospital recuperating when my mother began to show signs of dementia. The nurse gave several examples of her confusion-not knowing the year, what my name was, where I lived, etc but my mother could remember every detail about my sister. The nurse informed me that my mother might have to go live in a nursing home because there was no one at home to care for her. My father had passed away almost 9 years ago and my mother had a history of falling and passing out. I passed this information along to my sister because the nurse had been unable to reach her. My sister asked who had power of attorney over our mother and I told her I wasn't sure. She stated that she would "work 2 jobs in a pig farm before my mother goes into a nursing home." My sister is a LPN who mainly works in nursing homes-that is as long as she can keep a job. She has lost more jobs but it is never HER fault. She was adamant that Mom not be placed in one of those "hell holes". She also stated that I better hope I had power of attorney because if she was, Mom would not go.

A week came and passed and the nurse called me to inform me that Mom had been moved to a skilled nursing facility-she didn't need the services of the hospital and this was like a step down unit. I informed my sister of this-I did not make this decision-this was what the hospital and doctors decided. I had to leave a text message and voice mail because I was unable to talk to her. My phone rang later that day and my husband answered it. My sister stated that she was going to leave a message but decided she would tell us(me and my husband) outright that she thought it stunk that I placed our mother in a nursing home over Christmas and that she never ever wanted to hear from us again. She hung up. We were confused. Mom was NOT in the nursing home but my sister believed differently. And whatever my sister believes-then it's a fact. If you ask her what color the sky is and she says green, then it's green. Her motto needs to be "Don't confuse me with the facts-my mind is made up" She orbits the Planet Reality VERY loosely!

My husband and I drove to see my mother and see for ourselves if she really had dementia or not. My mother was confused a little the first day, but after three days with us taking her out of the hospital for meals and doing some running around, she seemed much better. We were even able to go visit my mom's 95 year old sister who WAS in a nursing home. My mom had not been to see her sister in over a year. After we came home, about a week later, we got the message that this aunt had passed. My sister and this aunt used to be close at one time so I thought that I would let my sister know in case she wanted to attend the services. She sent me a text message back stating "I told you that I don't want to ever hear from you ever. You never existed."

So much love...


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    • profile image


      6 years ago

      Sorry for this turn of events in your life!

    • profile image

      lover of travel 

      6 years ago

      Sounds like you have a mature attitude. Still I know it must sting. So sorry!

    • hair bender profile imageAUTHOR

      hair bender 

      6 years ago

      Thanks for those comments. My sister is my sister no matter what. I have just learned to accept her for all of her shortcomings because I know that I am not perfect either! This is life, good, bad, ugly, warts and all!

    • needadvice1981 profile image


      6 years ago

      I'm so sorry to hear about how the past few months have gone for you and your family. Family can sometimes be difficult. Do we love them and keep them close or just love them and accept that we can't choose who our family is?

      I sincerely hope that this all works out for you.

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      oh my. I am so sorry for this. hope it all works out for your good!

    • hair bender profile imageAUTHOR

      hair bender 

      6 years ago

      Thanks for that comment. I have to rely on the Serenity Prayer a lot for this. She is irrational and you just can't fix irrational!

    • greatparenting profile image


      6 years ago from philadelphia, pa and corolla, nc

      So sorry to hear about the loss of your sister. I too am estranged from my only sister and I know how much it hurts. Be grateful that you aren't her. While her life may look bountiful in some ways, it's obvious she's greatly lacking inside. You are stronger and clearly more loving. Focus on what you do have, not what you lost. It will help.


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