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"You have been poked by Merdith Jenkins." "CRAP!"
Poking- Very Creepy
As Andy Samberg parodied in the last Saturday Night Live while portraying Mark Zuckerberg, most people do think that poking is a little bit creepy. Maybe you think it's fine when your boyfriend or girlfriend pokes you, but seriously, logging in to Facebook and noticing on your right hand wall space that Jimmy Relned, the creep who was in love with you throughout your high school career, poked you, is very unpleasant. And furthermore, the fact that you don't even have to be friends to poke somebody makes it all the worse. So here are a couple of things to do when your stalker comes back into your life through Facebook.
Mags: Tobacco Saleswoman
Quick and easy. Just go to Facebook account settings and change your name. Google search for a picture of an old woman. Change your phone number to your ex-husbands number. (Or ex-boyfriends number.) Change your email to your local supermarket's email.
Now, message him and ask if he wants to come over and drink a bottle of wine together while watching Sunday Night Football. Rawr!
(Example of new Facebook profile)
Name: Mally O'Carvejulic
Phone Number: 867-5309
Remember, this can have many variations. For example you could turn in to Zelda the Sorceress or Mohammad the Bomber. Be creative.
"I spent all my money on an awesome boat, care to join me?"
Another thing you could play is the 'bad news' card.
If you are a girl, for example, you would message the stalker poker by saying something like this:
"Hey, _______ (insert stalker here)! I haven't seen you in so long! I was so happy when you poked me. How are you? I'm doing great! I just bought a new trailer house and have 12 beautiful boys, Gabe, Zaroff, Luce, Bear, Nat, Jenkins, Ejac, PP, Ali, Horace, Taco, and Rando. I also have one on the way, we are naming her Accident! Haha, all my baby daddys have such a great sense of humor! Well I totally miss you from high school. We had a GREAT relationship, which is why I think we should get married. My kids deserve a great dad-- and you are that guy! Right now all my boys have drawn squares on the floor in sharpie for their bed space, I think there is probably a square left for you :). Just message me back, _______ (stalker name here)! Oh also, you will probably end up paying all of our bills if you message me back, or I might just steal your identity. :)
_________ (creepy fake name or your real name, you can choose.)
This method should work with most guys, but if it doesn't, just refer back to Number 3.
Now for guys. Got that creepy girl you kissed in a closet after prom following you on Twitter and poking you everyday on Facebook? Very creepy. This is very stereotypical, but seriously all the girls mostly want you for your money and your body. So just try to write something like this:
Hey _______ (she-stalker name here)! I haven't seen you since I had that great job and was a size.. well... never mind what size! Haha! After high school I pretty much lost myself! Got into cocaine and blew all my money, and blew up to a size... well.. heh heh.. it doesn't really matter! All that matters now is that I'm off cocaine, fat, ugly, and happy!
Well message me back, I'd love to see you more.. ramen noodles sound good to you? =)
Love, (be sure to add love in there. major creepy for a once cocaine addict to say he loves you.)
______ (your name or a fake name)
Drum roll, please.
The best way to get rid of a Facebook poke-stalker is.....................
Fake your own death. Please, please, hold the applause.
Really, it's very easy. Just make 100-300 fake Facebook accounts, depending on your friend and family count, and write a bunch of "Rest in Peace, Jim." and "It should have been Jen!" little sayings on your wall. Buy a new phone and new number, (like T-Mobile, free and crappy), and act like it's your mom, crying her eyes out. Or a mortician. Or Jenkins, the warlock who has come to haunt Jen, your poke-stalker, forever throughout eternity. You know, be creative.
Oh, and have fun with it. Don't get so into your Sorceress impersonation that you buy an illegal book on spells and get arrested. Play it safe, but get that stalker off your trail.