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Zombie Warfare Preparation: How to Make the Best Use of a Tree House
So What if the Dead DO Rise?
Somewhere, someplace, another otherwise sensible person goes nuts and tries to eat living human flesh. A few years ago this behavior would have been on the very fringe of society, only to see the light in such publications as the National Enquirer and other such disreputable tabloid rags. You’d see an article about a man eating another man right next to an article on who Batboy is taking to his prom.
And we’d laugh and laugh.
Today we’re not laughing as much. We hear more and more reports of people just going bananas, and then going cannibal. Police and the media are writing up such instances as abuse of bath salts or other such drug use. Funny enough that we never hear any kind of trial or any other type of legal follow up on such strange cases. This is unusual for the sensational media streams but quite the standard operating procedure for a government trying to suppress a contagion.
If you read between the lines you can actually hear a police man scream, “Nothing to see here. Move along.”
Those of us who are more attuned to the signs of a zombie incursion hear these stories and go on the alert. We know that it is only during the early days of a zombie apocalypse that we can properly prepare for our own and humanity’s survival.
We will be facing an enemy whose entire post living existence is focused on getting to a living human being and eating its still living flesh. Our enemy does not need to eat, sleep, breathe, or go to the bathroom. It will be dedicated twenty-four/seven/three sixty-five on getting to you.
Your job? Survival and exterminating these filthy abominations.
Would you use yourself as bait during a zombie invasion?
Using Your Kid’s Tree House as a Draw Trap
The advantage that we have to fighting zombies is that their intelligence level is somewhere between mold and a not-very-bright rock.
Their entire motivation is based in the reptile area of the brain which means they know only that they hunger. They really don’t have any kind of cognitive functions whatsoever. They can walk, work their bodies, and bring food to their mouths. But other than that, they really can’t think.
One of the best strategies on waging combat with these brain dead automations comes from the old joke about escaping bears. You never have to out run the bear. You just have to outrun the guy next to you.
The philosophy of this is they can be baited. They will always go after the low hanging fruit. They don’t have the intelligence to think, “Oh, that guy’s injured. We can get him anytime. Let’s concentrate on the guy still running away.”
They will always go after the easy or only target.
Typically, they’ll always go for a baited trap. I recommend the following strategy for anyone with a tree house in their backyard.
Should you anticipate a zombie incursion on your property, an ideal battle station is a tree house or platform set up eight feet from the ground. Please see picture below.
Here’s what you’ll need to fight the zombies:
- Food rations
- Water rations
- A Bucket
- A Rope
- 2 Long Handle Sledge Hammers and/or Axes
- A chair
- A Loud Bell
If you don’t already have some booby traps set up on your perimeter, you may wish to try this. An open tree house accessible by rope or pull up ladder is excellent to set up a live bait trap. Lure the zombie or zombies, provided that there are no more than ten by ringing a bell or by making a loud noise to attract their attention.
Trust me, they’ll come.
Provided that you have enough time to pull up any rope or ladder, you should be safe from any zombie reaching you. The good news is that they won’t stop trying to reach you. So long as the tree house or platform holds out, you have literally the high ground.
Remember, the best way to destroy a zombie is to destroy their brains. Tie a rope around your waist to keep you from falling over the platform and use the sledge hammers or axe to either smash their heads or sink the blade into their skulls.
You may be up in the tree house for a while, so I recommend a good book. Food and water may be necessary for longer sieges – and if they are, you’ll figure out what the bucket’s for. Few tree houses have toilets.
We all have things around our house that can become ready-made weapons against the undead.
Your Home Depot is stocked to the roof with many of them. While it’s a great move to go all “Evil Dead” with a chainsaw against your undead opponent and perhaps even use your “boomstick”, you might just be better off with some patience and a well-baited trap.
The bait would be you, of course.
With a well-planned vantage point like a tree house, you’ll be able to see your quarry coming from a distance away. It will allow you to mentally prepare for the attack. All you have to do is smash some skulls with a sledgehammer. Skulls aren’t that hard and using the same sideway attack like a polo mallet you can take out as many as you want – provided that 1) you don’t lose your grip and 2) you don’t do anything stupid, like fall out of the tree house.
Remember, the Spartans killed off thousands of Persians in the Battle of Thermopylae with only a few hundred men. The advantage was the choke point and the ground that they held.
© 2012 Christopher Peruzzi