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Are you my mother?
Happy Mother's Day
For most of her life Lynn knew her mother did not want her. During those years at home she kept thinking, maybe even hoping that someone out there would want her. The words from her mother had always been you make me sick, I wish you would disappear, the sight of you makes me want to kill myself.
As a young child Lynn walked around wondering where she could find another mother. Who could love someone so ugly, stupid and unlovable. Often her friends moms would take her in and feed, hold and tell her she was smart and pretty. She would get reassurance from her teachers that she would leave this place and she should never look back. They knew Lynn would get out. They believed in her like her mother did not. For years her teachers were the person Lynn would go to for attention, love and advise. They guided her through those years of being alone in a home with a mother who hated her. Her teachers would meet with her mother to talk about her weight and how thin Lynn was, to talk about the bruises and the fact that she feared being simply patted on the back for a good job. They witnessed her mothers indifference to Lynn on all the issues. When the teachers spoke about Lynn being a good student Lynns' mother only replied that Lynn would be lucky to find a man to marry her when she was old enough. That is what everyone should be concerned about. All that stuff about going to college was wasteful.
Mothers typically feed their kids. Lynn was deprived food on a regular basis, having to rely on milk to sooth her aching stomach. School lunches were always something Lynn could look forward to since home was not an safe place to eat.
Over the years Lynn and her mother fought, and at times years passed before they would speak. When they did talk it was always Lynn who was a failure. She was never accomplished enough, pretty enough or smart enough.
Lynn put herself through school. Found herself her first place to live. Found her first love. All without her mothers help.
After five years of not speaking Lynn moved to NYC. Her mother became interested in her and began having phone calls. She even came to visit Lynn her in Brooklyn apartment. For ten years they began to talk more, visit from time to time in person.
Lynn had children and her mother became a nice person for her grand babies. She called them daily to talk to them so they would know her voice. She came for visits frequently even after becoming ill and trips were harder. For those nearly ten years life seemed like it was OK between Lynn and her mother. Not perfect, Lynn never expected perfect but at least they were in each others lives and continuing to get to know one another. Sometimes Lynn felt like her mother cared for her, about her and possibly even liked her.
On Mother's Day Lynn spoke with her mother. Over the past year things had been rough for Lynn. Recently her car broke down and she was borrowing a car from a friend. Her mother said to her that everything Lynn touched went bad. Have you noticed that everything you do is ruined her mother asked. Her mother said if she was Lynn she would ask why G-d had forsaken her, she must have some sin that she is paying for to have such a sorry life right now. Lynn just said, no, hard times are called hard times because they are difficult, not easy, every choice and decision is a struggle. Her mother said she could give up. For all those years it had been nice. But on this Mother's Day Lynn was reminded she had been born to someone who id not want her. She never had a mother. All that work for ten years was gone with just a call. It reminded Lynn of those years in her twenties when her mother would not speak to her or if she did nothing nice came of it.
This day would not be for her to celebrate with her mother but as a mother.