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A word about branding

Updated on June 16, 2011
Signage like this will have to come down soon from this World Cup venue
Signage like this will have to come down soon from this World Cup venue | Source

I see those Rugby World Cup fellers are getting all precious about some extremely silly issues in the lead up to the mighty event.

The corporate wallahs who paid dollops of dosh to have their logos and names plastered all over everything associated with the competition that moves and a whole lot of things that don’t are scared they might lose the odd 20 cents here and there because somebody else piggy-backs onto their advertising.

Now that sounds fair enough to Phil; I know I’d kick the shit out of anyone who muscled in on my action at that event. However these greedy swines have lifted this to a whole new level. They won’t even let anyone use their name (in vain) – are they God? And if the soccer world cup last year is anything to go by, they won’t stop there. Next thing nobody will be allowed to even wear the same colours as any company that hasn’t paid a premium to be a sponsor.

Now this is all bollox and there is only one way to deal with bollox and that is to expose them to ridicule.

I have a cunning plan which if every good citizen (and hopefully especially every ratbag) takes up we will have those rich pricks pulling their toupees out.

Phase one of this master plan involves signage. As you may know the greedies want to own all signage for about 40 kilometres around every venue. Furthermore they have intimidated the New Zealand Government into passing legislation to back them up. But fortunately for the rest of us, like all legislation it has been designed by fools (for fools). There are loopholes so big in this Act that Robert Mugabe wants to use it to hang all his dissenters – at once!

But regulations accompanying this Act (of stupidity) do not only stop anyone putting up a sign within 100 kilometres of an event; they also prevent the use of certain words or images (but not rude ones, surprisingly). They are so fussy that you can’t copy any of these 21 images or any versions of them you might draw and colour in differently from the originals.

Then there is a list of words or expressions you cannot use and a further list that you cannot use in conjunction with any words from another specified list. For example you cannot say Rugby World Cup, which let’s face it is going to make conversations pretty weird. I propose we call it the Rugby World Crap; we’ll all know what we mean and they can’t sue us!

Funnily enough you can say IRB Rugby World Cup as long as you don’t combine it with any words on the third list, one of which is 2011. This poses an apparent problem as well so I propose we refer to it as the IRB Rugby World Cup 2012. Simple isn’t it? There’s no chance of confusion because everyone knows there isn’t a RWC (another banned word) that year.

The IRB (another banned word) also wants to own copyright on ALL the pictures taken at the event, which of course usually belongs to those taking them. Hopefully the media will tell them to shove it up their front row, but they are such pussies I doubt they’ll take any kind of stand unless it’s the type selling hotdogs. If it was down to me I’d Photoshop Muammur Gaddafi or Sepp Blatter or some other crook that we’ve almost certainly given free tickets to into the picture and claim it was another venue altogether.

But the ban on specific words and pictures is even more sinister; it extends to any sort of display at all. PJ’s aren’t specifically mentioned, but I would venture anyone with any of those words splashed across their jammies might just get hauled out of bed in the middle of the night and severely rucked for their trouble.

I don’t think we should put up with such tyranny and so I will be manufacturing a line of T-shirts, Caps (Rugby World Caps – hah got them on that one), and surgical trusses (nothing to do with the World Cup – just getting in a plug for my latest line) with slogans that look or sound so like those proscribed words nobody will know the difference – especially with the current state of literacy among the population. Thus any prosecutions that are taken will end up being thrown out with costs awarded to me.

Part two of my plan is to erect under cover of night hundreds of advertising signs on the main route to each venue advertising my hastily sourced, but exquisitely made products such as my Web Ellis Cups, a nice line in crockery featuring a spider’s web design by my mate Digger Ellis.

And when I open my very mobile pie and beer stand (able to be moved quickly to avoid being crash tackled by security) it will bear the proud sign World Cup Hostility Partner 2011 so they can’t nail me for that!

Yay for the spirit of Kiwi entrepreneurship and go the ABs!

We’ll show what happens when you try to control everything for 200 kilometres around the venues. If the buggers want branding I’ll give ‘em that alright. Now where is that iron.....


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