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Bean there dung that (or how to get out of the poop)

Updated on May 1, 2012
Jianqi's bean thinking
Jianqi's bean thinking | Source

Some people have suggested somewhat uncharitably that Jianqi is committing a heinous act by striking a deal with SkyCity that will bring an obscenely priced convention centre to the City of Orcs. They say he is selling our laws to the highest bidder in return for what is basically a handful of beans. But surely this is the land where the bottom line is what it is all about and thus the more beans we have the happier the bean counters are? And as we should all know by now, thanks to that trickle-down theory which was fortuitously discovered by another bean counter, this will make all of us rich beyond our wildest dreams.

So I reckon Jianqi could be onto something really cool here. If we can get some rich pricks to build a convention centre, which wisely we will still let them own (no maintenance – it’s brilliant), in return for a teeny weeny change to give them a decent sort of edge over anyone silly enough to try and compete with them, then we could do this with other stuff.

We hear the police are over-stretched and under-resourced, so here’s a good idea; legalise methamphetamine manufacturing by the Mongrel Mob in return for crowd control at rugby matches, concerts and in pubs? By allowing them to have exclusive rights to making and selling ‘P’ they would be able to fund a large body (or is that some large bodies?) of bros to turn out for every major sporting, musical or cultural event and to sort out trouble in pubs. Given the lads wouldn’t be sworn police (although they will probably swear quite a bit); they won’t be able to arrest anyone, so they will just give them a good hiding and save us the cost of a trial. However it is important, as with the SkyCity deal that we don’t cut all the other gangs in on this to prevent any harm to the community. It would be effectively a ‘sinking lid’ policy where the number of P outlets would be reduced, although scope would be left for later bargaining with the mob should they find they need further funding for their services, or should they come up with another great idea to help the Government out.

It also occurs to me we could make it easier for employers to empty our dole queues by lowering the minimum wage to $5 an hour. Without the hindrance of outlandish rates of remuneration such as the $15 per hour suggested by the whingers, most employers could double or even treble their staff. This would reduce our welfare costs overnight and return them to the private sector who would now be able to afford to employ everyone. I just can’t understand why the Government hasn’t done this already. At some later date ‘special categories’ could be developed to cover some of the more hopeless employees and they could be paid less than the minimum wage if the employer deems it necessary to maintain some kind of pay relativity with the ordinary Muppets (er I mean employees).

The Health system also needs some funding and resources so why not get the liquor industry to fund a whole bunch of mental health facilities. They could set up little satellite operations all over the country staffed with a small team to deal with local mental health issues. The liquor industry could afford it if the Government would only see sense long enough to allow them to sell expand their RTD ranges and begin selling them through schools and Kohanga Reo. We know the youngsters seem to like their alco-pops, so what better place to sell them than in the playground? It is a market just waiting to be properly tapped.

The education system is also struggling for resources and once again the answer is just a small paradigm shift away. Currently our farmers are spending oodles of money on treating their effluent and making sure it doesn’t get into waterways and the like. If we could just stop worrying about every tiny drop of cowshit we could have a shitload of money flowing like effluent into our education system. Farmers could fund the new resources with the money they would save from having to shag around trying to dispose of every last cow turd in accordance with how some elderly maiden lady would like.

So you see we don’t all have to go to hell in a handbasket (what is one of those?) just because we sold a law or two. Hell, if our laws are valuable enough to get us a well funded education system, an easily accessible mental health system, some semblance of law and order and a new convention centre for all the new cons in Orcland; then let’s get this sale under way.

Oh wait a minute I just remembered SkyCity will still own that con-job, I mean convention centre. This means we will all have to pay to use it. On second thoughts maybe those magic beans weren’t so magic after all.


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