- Books, Literature, and Writing
British Humour: My Favourite Jokes
Amusing Jokes and Quotations
I can never remember good jokes when I need them so I thought it was time to write a few of my favourites down. Here are some of the best ones. Mostly British humour, some international.
I do apologize if any are offensive or a little rude. At least there not much chance of them being funny.
Some British Humour
A Man Walks Into A Bar...
Well that's how they usually start anyway
A Panda walked into a bar and said: "A pint of ............. beer please"
The barman said: "Why the big paws?"
A Horse walked into a bar and said: "A pint of beer please"
The barman said: "Why the long face?"
A woman walks into a bar and says: "Can I have an inuendo?"
The barman said: "I'll give you one"
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar.
The barman said: "Is this some kind of joke?"
A Man Walked into a Library...
I walked into a library and said "MAY I HAVE SOME FISH AND CHIPS PLEASE?"
The librarian said: "I'm sorry this is a library"
I said: "Ooops. Sorry. may I have some fish and chips please?"
A chicken walked into a library and said: "Buk"
The librarian gave her a book and she left.
The next day the chicken walked into a library again and said: "Buk, buk, buk"
The librarian gave her three books and she left.
The next day the chicken walked into a library again and said: "Buk, buk, buk, buk, buk"
The librarian gave her five books and she left, but the librarian decided to follow her because she had never know of a chicken who was such an avid reader.
She followed the chicken to her home and watched her give the books to a frog who was ill in bed.
The frog said: " Redit, redit, redit, redit..."
The Best Knock Knock Joke Ever
O.K. the only good one ever
The Best Knock Knock Joke Ever
"No thanks, mate!"
(O.K. it's probably only funny if you live in London. "The Big Issue" is a magazine sold by homeless people)
Have you heard that travel companies: Cunard and Aer lingus are going to merge?
(The name of the joint company is still to be decided)
Did you hear about the mexican fireman? He has two sons: Jose and Hose B
What do Mexicans put under their carpets?
"Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a moth"
"I'm sorry you've come to the wrong place. You want the psychiatrist next door"
"Yes, I know, but your light was on"
Q: What do you give a man who has everything?
Q: What do you call a man with HIV and Herpes?
A: An "Incurable Romantic"
Some Old Jokes
Chromosomes Explained... In Biblical Terms
Chromosomes Explained... In Biblical Terms:
XX is Eve
XY is Adam
Sorry. Very poor taste
How many number ones did Elvis have?
I don't know. Lots. It was number twos he had difficulty with.
Old Lady says to Winston Churchill: "Mr. Churchill. You are drunk!"
Churchill: "Madam, you are ugly. Tomorrow I shall be sober"
"I spent my infancy looking forward to adultery" - Anon
"Why use a BIG word when a diminutive one will suffice" - Anon
"Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day - Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"
"A friend will help you move house. A good friend will help you move a body"
An irish Newspaper headline: "Cork Man Drowns"
Silicon Valley Humour
A man walked into a pet shop in Silicon Valley and said: "I'd like to buy a monkey"
The salesman showed him three identical looking monkeys priced: $1,000; $2,000 and $5,000
The customer asked what the difference was.
The salesman said:
"The $1,000 monkey can touch-type, has basic computer skills including detailed knowledge of Microsoft Office and makes a lovely cup of tea"
"The $2,000 monkey has advanced IT skills and can program in C++, HTML, Java etc."
"The $5,000 monkey doesn't seem to do anything, but he calls himself a consultant"
Three engineers discussing religion.
One says: "God was definitely an electronic engineer, because the brain is a computer and the whole body is controlled by nerves which are like wires carrying electrical impulses"
The second said: "No. God was a mechanical engineer, because the body is a complex machine consisting of many levers being acted on by muscles which are like hydraulic pistons"
The third said: "No. God must have been a civil engineer, because who else would have put a waste pipe right next to a recreational area?"