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British Humour: My Favourite Jokes

Updated on February 9, 2015

Amusing Jokes and Quotations

I can never remember good jokes when I need them so I thought it was time to write a few of my favourites down. Here are some of the best ones. Mostly British humour, some international.

I do apologize if any are offensive or a little rude. At least there not much chance of them being funny.

Some British Humour

A Man Walks Into A Bar...

Well that's how they usually start anyway

A Panda walked into a bar and said: "A pint of ............. beer please"

The barman said: "Why the big paws?"

A Horse walked into a bar and said: "A pint of beer please"

The barman said: "Why the long face?"

A woman walks into a bar and says: "Can I have an inuendo?"

The barman said: "I'll give you one"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar.

The barman said: "Is this some kind of joke?"

Library Humour

A Man Walked into a Library...

Library Humour

I walked into a library and said "MAY I HAVE SOME FISH AND CHIPS PLEASE?"

The librarian said: "I'm sorry this is a library"

I said: "Ooops. Sorry. may I have some fish and chips please?"

A chicken walked into a library and said: "Buk"

The librarian gave her a book and she left.

The next day the chicken walked into a library again and said: "Buk, buk, buk"

The librarian gave her three books and she left.

The next day the chicken walked into a library again and said: "Buk, buk, buk, buk, buk"

The librarian gave her five books and she left, but the librarian decided to follow her because she had never know of a chicken who was such an avid reader.

She followed the chicken to her home and watched her give the books to a frog who was ill in bed.

The frog said: " Redit, redit, redit, redit..."

The Best Knock Knock Joke Ever

O.K. the only good one ever

The Best Knock Knock Joke Ever

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Biggish"

"Biggish-who"

"No thanks, mate!"

(O.K. it's probably only funny if you live in London. "The Big Issue" is a magazine sold by homeless people)

Business Joke

Have you heard that travel companies: Cunard and Aer lingus are going to merge?

(The name of the joint company is still to be decided)

Mexican Jokes

Mexican Jokes

Pyramids in Palenque, Mexico
Pyramids in Palenque, Mexico

Did you hear about the mexican fireman? He has two sons: Jose and Hose B

What do Mexicans put under their carpets?

Underlay, Underlay

Doctor, Doctor...

Doctor, Doctor...

"Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a moth"

"I'm sorry you've come to the wrong place. You want the psychiatrist next door"

"Yes, I know, but your light was on"

Q: What do you give a man who has everything?

A: Penicillin

Q: What do you call a man with HIV and Herpes?

A: An "Incurable Romantic"

Some Old Jokes

Chromosomes Explained... In Biblical Terms

Chromosomes Explained... In Biblical Terms:

XX is Eve

XY is Adam

and

YYY Delilah

Elvis Joke

Sorry. Very poor taste

How many number ones did Elvis have?

I don't know. Lots. It was number twos he had difficulty with.

Quotations

Famous Quotations

Old Lady says to Winston Churchill: "Mr. Churchill. You are drunk!"

Churchill: "Madam, you are ugly. Tomorrow I shall be sober"

"I spent my infancy looking forward to adultery" - Anon

"Why use a BIG word when a diminutive one will suffice" - Anon

"Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day - Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"

"A friend will help you move house. A good friend will help you move a body"

An irish Newspaper headline: "Cork Man Drowns"

Silicon Valley Humour

Geeky Jokes

Engineer Jokes

A man walked into a pet shop in Silicon Valley and said: "I'd like to buy a monkey"

The salesman showed him three identical looking monkeys priced: $1,000; $2,000 and $5,000

The customer asked what the difference was.

The salesman said:

"The $1,000 monkey can touch-type, has basic computer skills including detailed knowledge of Microsoft Office and makes a lovely cup of tea"

"The $2,000 monkey has advanced IT skills and can program in C++, HTML, Java etc."

"The $5,000 monkey doesn't seem to do anything, but he calls himself a consultant"

Three engineers discussing religion.

One says: "God was definitely an electronic engineer, because the brain is a computer and the whole body is controlled by nerves which are like wires carrying electrical impulses"

The second said: "No. God was a mechanical engineer, because the body is a complex machine consisting of many levers being acted on by muscles which are like hydraulic pistons"

The third said: "No. God must have been a civil engineer, because who else would have put a waste pipe right next to a recreational area?"

Please Leave Some Feedback

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    • linhah lm profile image

      Linda Hahn 3 years ago from California

      More Black Adder!

    • Lucildoll LM profile image

      Lucildoll LM 3 years ago

      I glad I didn't miss this one just when I needed a laugh!

    • profile image

      Colin323 3 years ago

      What did the funeral director die of?

      Coffin.

    • Lucildoll LM profile image

      Lucildoll LM 3 years ago

      Visit my Lens I am new and only just got 3 featured Lens may be you could the a joke. Thanks

    • Lucildoll LM profile image

      Lucildoll LM 3 years ago

      You have the best Lens keeping people laughing is a great way to keep them coming back for more.

    • Meganhere profile image

      Meganhere 3 years ago

      Loved the YYY Delilah joke. And the Big Issue one. We have the Big Issue in Australia.

    • Surreymagic profile image

      Surreymagic 3 years ago

      I enjoyed your lens- some old but good jokes there! It's true that comedy is the new rock and roll as most towns now seem to have a thriving live comedy scene. Seeing a good comedian live is amazing, I've been lucky enough to see some of the current big players a few years ago on a small stage.

    • cdhops profile image

      cdhops 4 years ago

      Fantastic lens. My husband is from England and I have had the pleasure of British humour for many of years. It always makes you laugh

    • profile image

      Colin323 4 years ago

      My grandson told me one today.

      'What did the undertaker die of?'

      'Coffin'.

    • Andy-Po profile image
      Author

      Andy 4 years ago from London, England

      @anonymous: Or humour as we say in England ;-)

      Americans are so much more efficient with spelling.

      I too was brought up on Monty Python. A lot of their TV programmes were filmed just a couple of miles away from where I live now.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      ....oops, typo....that humor.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      YYY Delilah just hit my funny bone! British humore is a little different and I had the advantage of being exposed to it growing up because we lived along the Canadian border and got the BBC and it actually came in clearer than the American stations we got over the air. I particularly remember watching a lot of Monty Python. Thanks for the smiles! :)

    • profile image

      chickie99 4 years ago

      LOL andy!!

      also, great comments on "English" muffins lens!

    • BritFlorida profile image

      Jackie Jackson 4 years ago from Fort Lauderdale

      Love YYY Delilah!

    • profile image

      Doc_Holliday 4 years ago

      Had a good laugh. Well done.

    • NibsyNell profile image

      NibsyNell 5 years ago

      A woman walks into a bar and says: "Can I have an inuendo?"

      The barman said: "I'll give you one"

      Iol I'll have to remember that one!

    • Alana-r profile image

      Alana-r 5 years ago

      They were brilliant, my sense of humor totally, love the underlay, underlay one. Brilliant lens!

    • Michelle Hogan profile image

      Michelle Hogan 5 years ago

      Awww, you left a tear in me eye!!!

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Thanks for putting a big grin on my face! :))

      Nice collection and look forward to more!

    • Marciajane profile image

      Marcia 6 years ago from England

      Very good and nice to read some British jokes. Thanks for the laughs!

    • Andy-Po profile image
      Author

      Andy 6 years ago from London, England

      @Paul Ward: Very funny

    • Paul Ward profile image

      Paul 6 years ago from Liverpool, England

      Computer Science student is walking along when a frog calls out to him. Astounded, he picks the frog up and it tells him that she's a beautiful princess and that she'll return to human form if he kisses her, then she'll fulfil his wildest fantasies.

      Comp Sci boy puts the frog in his pocket and walks on. Muffled voice "aren't you going to kiss me?"

      "No way, a girl's a girl but a talking frog is really kewl"

    • MargoPArrowsmith profile image

      MargoPArrowsmith 6 years ago

      I like Y, Y, Y Delilah?

      Why do we call them our 'xes' when we should call them out 'y's'? lol

      You have already seen my Black Adder lens!

    • profile image

      julieannbrady 6 years ago

      Well, I would honestly say that right about now, I need a GOOD laugh!

    • TonyPayne profile image

      Tony Payne 6 years ago from Southampton, UK

      Great jokes Andy, loved it. Lensrolled to my Humour lenses.

    • Sylvestermouse profile image

      Cynthia Sylvestermouse 7 years ago from United States

      Quite funny and very enjoyable! A great way to start the morning!

    • RuthCoffee profile image

      RuthCoffee 7 years ago

      Wah, ha, ha...a waste pipe in the middle of a recreational area! I'm glad you explained the Big Issue/biggish-who, I was feeling pretty stupid for a moment.

    • indigoj profile image

      Indigo Janson 7 years ago from UK

      Thanks for the smiles, Andy! I'll have to try some of these out.

    • jptanabe profile image

      Jennifer P Tanabe 7 years ago from Red Hook, NY

      Yes I laughed! I heard some of those jokes before, but of course I forget them. The quotes are funny too.

    • TreasuresBrenda profile image

      Treasures By Brenda 7 years ago from Canada

      Thanks for explaining the Best Knock Knock Joke Ever, you would have had me wondering all day...Great lens. I can never remember jokes, either.