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Buck’s literary reviews – brief reviews of popular caprine fiction.

Updated on October 5, 2011
Nothing quite like the smell (or taste) of a good book
Nothing quite like the smell (or taste) of a good book | Source

It’s a little known fact, but Phil Ossifer’s goat Buck gets through quite a lot of books. This week Phil said to him that since he always has his head in a book, perhaps he might like to share a little of what he has been getting into with the rest of the goat population. What follows is Buck’s response to Phil’s challenge, typed with his very own hooves.

It’s a little-known fact that many of the great human novels were in fact written by goats and for goats. For example John Stein-Buck changed his name for the human print runs as did Goethe whose name is accurately pronounced ‘goat’, but when he did the human print run of his books, he decided it would be exotic of him to adopt a poofy German affectation for the pronunciation of his name.

I have always been a great reader and thought I should share with all the other goats out there some of my insights into the great novels that Phil has given me to review for our caprine readers.

First up is Animal Farm by George Boerwell, which I cut my molars on. You are probably thinking that as I got into it some of the binding would have become stuck in my throat. Very funny and speciest; what actually happened was I got a paper cut on my lower lip. But that aside; it was a very tasty novel although I reckon a goat would have made a better rabble rouser. However I will concede if no suitable goat was available, then the pig was definitely the next best choice. These days they say it is an allegorical tale about some crazy humanoid called Joe Stalin, but I know better. It was actually about the evil caprine dictator, Joseph Saanen.

I didn’t find The Great Goatsby a great deal of fun. It was all a bit lightweight for me, and I don’t really care much for the era it was set in. The story was too wimpy for me and the so-called Great Goatsby struck me as a total wimp. In fact I might be tempted to call him a pervy voyeur – why else would you throw all those big piss-ups and orgies and then just sit on the sideline watching, eh? As for the author Bagot Fitzgerald I always thought he was grossly over-hyped and had too high an opinion of himself. He is known among other goats as ‘Bragalot’ Fitzgerald.

The Goats Of Wrath by the aforementioned John Stein-Buck is a good read. It’s a sad but inspiring tale of life among a small population of goats who went to California in search of a better life. Of course they didn’t find it as is frequently the case with refugees. I found myself really identifying with the main character. I have always seen myself as a crusader for what is right, or whatever I want to have, anyway.

Tropic Of Capricorn is pretty hot and I have to admit parts of it got me quite horny. They reckon the author Henry Miller based it upon his own experiences. As the Tui ads say, yeah right! Bloke was a wanker if you ask me. All his so-called escapades were just where his imagination went while he was spanking the monkey. Better keep this one well away from the kids, lest they think all goats are like that.

A Ruminant With A View is probably an early form of doe-lit or as you fullahs usually call it; chick-lit. I couldn’t get into it really because it was all a bit girly and soft for me. It’s about this doe who goes to Florence with her cuzzie and falls for some bloke who has a better room than her or some such. It appears she wanted a room with a view. With a view to what, you might ask. As far as I can make out it is with a view to getting herself a meal ticket. She is a bed lot this doe and she first strings one bloke along before finally buggering off with the bloke from the room (with a view). It all ends happily ever after like a flaming fairytale. I reckon E M Forster who wrote this muck must be a Sheila (or a pillow-biter).

Finally I have a little something for the kids; Goat Expectations by that great novel by famous British Alpine writer Charles Dickens. The story is of a young kid from London who dreams of a better life in the country. He gets mixed up with some dodgy Corsican goats who are involved in robberies and murder. But later on he comes into a fortune, only to lose it all again. He also falls in love with a young doe that treats him badly and unlike the girly novel by that Forster Sheila, it doesn’t end all fluffy. I won’t spoil the end for you, but suffice to say it is a good lesson for the young ‘uns.

Happy eating, I mean reading.


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