ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Books, Literature, and Writing»
  • Commercial & Creative Writing»
  • Creative Writing»
  • Humor Writing

From cardboard cathedrals to plasticine porters with looking glass ties

Updated on April 17, 2012
A mock-up of the new cardboard cathedral planned for the city formerly known as Christchurch
A mock-up of the new cardboard cathedral planned for the city formerly known as Christchurch | Source


This is hot news and you are the first lucky person I have chosen to share it with. I have just heard that Disney has bought Christchurch. It is their plan to turn it into a theme park along the lines of the Disneyland and Disney World attractions in California and Florida.


The Disney execs liked the idea of Christchurch because they had heard the town had a clown for a mayor and a Mickey Mouse council. They plan to rename it Jellytown. The investment has been okayed by the OIO (what projects are ever rejected by them?) so work can begin right away.


Although I was initially surprised when I heard about the purchase, I have to say that the more I think about it, the more I can see how it makes sense. There is scope for energy savings on an enormous scale. Most of the rides will be able to be seismically powered and the liquefaction could be lit by a bank of solar panels in all the colours of the rainbow. Another reason this development makes sense is that with land as unstable as the blancmange we used to call Christchurch, conventional buildings are always going to be a risk. With the theme park idea it is possible to reject conventional building materials and instead use products that will cause little injury should they collapse.


The first theme has already been commissioned and this will be Churchworld. Here a recreation of the cathedral town’s early days will be built complete with a cardboard cathedral with balsa wood pews.


Plans are also afoot to turn the Avon River into a great bumper boat playground with safe, lightweight macramé bridges for pedestrian access and viewing. A crazy golf course is also being built on the site of Jade Stadium. Here visitors will be able to play a round where they try to avoid liquefaction traps, get across seismic cracks and manage tricky putts across shaky greens.


A crazy shaking boardwalk made of old copies of the Christchurch Press will be the main feature of a development planned for Lyttelton. Being made out of newspaper of course the boardwalk will be vulnerable to rain and heavy waves and with it stretching out 2kms into the harbour in a horseshoe shape visitors will actually be able experience the fun of the shaking combined with the real risk they could plunge into the harbour and be crushed by stray containers that have migrated down from the wreck of the Rena in Tauranga.


A recreated residential suburb (or is that submerged) will be built in Avonside (renamed Survivalland) where you can experience life without water and sewerage and power. To make your stay more exciting you will be able to cruise around the suburb on farm bikes dodging swinging power lines, sink holes and crumbling masonry.


A weaving railway journey from Christchurch to Rolleston is another treat for visitors to Jellytown. The new tracks will be made out of recycled rubber so they should bend endlessly with the shakes without fear of breaking altogether. A small wooden engine operated by pedal power will pull basket ware carriages along the bumpy, shaking track.


A new town hall will be made out of plasticine and here is where the main entrance to the fun park will be. As you arrive you will be greeted by a cast of characters that have made the former Christchurch what it is today.


Mayor Bob (Nosey) Parker will be re-branded as a Kiwi version of Pinocchio, complete with cheesy smile, bright cheeks and a nose that grows as he tells porkies, so not much need of any make-up there.


The Wizard will return and take up a permanent paid position in this new fantasyland and Gezza Brownlee, the member for Ilam (and I often think of him as a member, too), will be given a knitted wall (made in Kaiapoi of course) to sit on and occasionally fall off.


I can see great potential for this kind of mixed ownership model and I think it could be extended to other parts of the country.


I can already see an opportunity for some kind of Appalachian world in Dannevirke and a mini Frontierland in Opotiki. Auckland would make a great Fantasyland with its huge bullshit factor and Dunners could do a really great Studentland complete with burning couches stolen traffic cones and chundering youths.


Hmm. Maybe this foreign ownership idea ain’t so bad after all.


Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: "https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr"

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)