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Secret revealed! How to answer the question. "does my bum look big in this?"

Updated on June 3, 2010

How to answer the big question.

OK punters, I'm proud of you. Close the door so she can't see where you got this fabulous information from!

Mighty courageous of you to line up here to learn the black art of answering the question. "Does my bum look big in this?" .... which has baffled even the greatest minds since before Eve first asked Adam, "Honey, does my bum look big with this fig leaf?

I do however believe that Eve got Adam thrown out of the family property and stripped him of his innocence. Same thing happened to me!

Some things never change.

Adam is rumoured by religious types to have survived the question through a miracle. I would want much more proof of this, but that's for the religious forums.

"Does my bum look big in this?"

In the past being easy to drag was a bonus.

At one time small women with long hair were very desirable, but this changed when food became scarce, and any capacity to grow a huge arse became the fashion.
At one time small women with long hair were very desirable, but this changed when food became scarce, and any capacity to grow a huge arse became the fashion.

History

Up until the stone age. the first females with the "does my bum look big in this" gene appear to have been asking with the sincere desire that the object of their affections would reply in the affirmative and say something like the following.

"YES! It is bloody huge, I can't tell if that's your arse or a mountain range!


"Your bum moons the moon it's so big!"


"No other woman's arse looks as big as yours! ......... How did you even manage to feed an arse that size! ........ You must have killed a bloody mammoth and eaten it all yourself washed down by three wild boor and a dingo!


Naturally the young lady would be right chuffed about this sort of attention, and agree to become the cave housekeeper, providing enormous amounts of heat for the cave and something soft for our caveman to sleep on.

Most men knew to say these things early in the relationship and that is why many men survived to create the wonderful gene pool we enjoy the fruits of today.

Those woman who were lucky enough to have a huge derrière were idolised for their capacity to put on weight when everyone else was skinny from chasing food, whereas the largest girls used other tactics to get food which they have refined to the black art you see all women use daily in our modern world.


Male bonding

Back to the cave.

Alas, no matter how big the poor male claimed her derriere was, it was never big enough to allow the cave woman or cave wife to be satisfied with the answer, and this is when many of our male ancestors developed the first ways of dealing with this question.

Those who were not hacked to death in their sleep for giving the wrong answer developed defensive positions that are still in use today.


Learning about the food chain

  • Distraction.

Stone age man would often knock himself unconscious to avoid the big question.

Another popular method was lay down in the path of a stampeding herd of mammoth which is why life expectancy was short during that period.

It is difficult in our modern world to find any hard objects in women's shops amongst all those soft fabrics, and she will ask you the question again as soon as you are conscious in the ambulance. Worse still, modern medics may bring you around in the store where other women may see your dazed state and ask you the big one while you're still in shock and vulnerable!

  • Modern distraction.

Committing a robbery of the woman's clothing store you have been dragged to semi-conscious.

If you get to steal some of the best brand names and a little black dress, you can gain some brownie points by hiding them at a mates place and getting them delivered to her.

This way after your arrest, she will come and bail you out! So this idea is worth a lot of consideration and mile safer than answering the question.

  • the religious conversion.

Gain the love of god and attest to a divinity on the spot!

Now this is an excellent ploy, the downside of which is a life that resembles Ned Flanders of the Simpsons. Still, it would certainly be the better alternative to the results of an answer to the big one!

  • Alien abduction.

Not an easy one to arrange, but if you can do the religious one your halfway there!

And good old emergency1

Run at her then tear her clothes off while making uncontrolled looking humping movements right there in the showroom.

Worked for me once, and worth a try as well.

I hope you have learned from my two hubs on the big question.

Ain't love grand?

Comments

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    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 7 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      Ha!! Earn you have put out a great hub! I'm sorry.. does this comment make my butt look huge?

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      After my many years of not answering this question I may now have to change my name, and country!

    • creativeone59 profile image

      benny Faye Douglass 7 years ago from Gold Canyon, Arizona

      Thanks for a great but humorus hub, I thank you for sharing it. Godspoeed. creativeone59

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thank you! I have not tried my hand at parody like this before, and it was scary! I enjoyed writing it though.

      I feel safer writing about how to fix your car, or about psychology.

      Humour is weirdly difficult for me to write, although I love it deeply.

    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 7 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      Ok.. well, I'm not sure any other country would fit you as well, but how about Fiji? Nope.. you're there to stay, my friend! We could call you Peter!

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      "Fiji looks good at this time of year Simon?"

    • qwark profile image

      qwark 7 years ago

      Earn:

      There's always the old "stone age way:" smack'er on the head with that dinosaur thigh bone club and drag'er fat arse outa there! Be a man for chistsake! lolol

    • Faybe Bay profile image

      Faye Constantino 7 years ago from Florida

      Okay, Much research for bums has turned this up.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkqcF335tqY

    • Money Glitch profile image

      Money Glitch 7 years ago from Texas

      LOL, O.k. Earnestshub this is definitely a good one. I can't stop laughing. Thanks for making my day today! Thumbs up! :)

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Ya know Money Glitch, I am happy that so many women find it funny!

      Just as well for me, I have a lot of females amongst my followers!

    • Pandoras Box profile image

      Pandoras Box 7 years ago from A Seemingly Chaotic World

      Of course you have a lot of females amongst your followers, you handsome devil. This one was even funnier I think than the first one, if possible. You always tackle the tough questions in life don't you? And with such amazing tact!

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      PB I am honoured you dragged your cute tiny butt over here! I do like the tough ones! The fact that I am alive today attests to my tact! Made my day, you did!

    • SomewayOuttaHere profile image

      SomewayOuttaHere 7 years ago from TheGreatGigInTheSky

      thanks for the laugh! had to come back to the read the answer after reading the first hub - you still didn't answer it! ha ha.....i'm sure you had fun writing it!

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thanks for reading them both SomewayOuttaHere!

      I did enjoy writing this one. and I thought the options of suicide or religious conversion answered it as well as I can! LOL

    • donnaleemason profile image

      donnaleemason 6 years ago from North Dakota, USA

      I laughed, that was well done!

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thank you Donna, I enjoyed writing it, humour can be difficult.

    • dutchman1951 profile image

      dutchman1951 6 years ago from Tennessee, USA

      I tried "Good Ole Emergency 1" with a cave man theme; dragged her into the changing booth first.

      I guess it worked, all she said was "Next time let me get the panty hose off first..Ok?"

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Dutchman it is good to know a brave man like your good self!

      This is the best strategy of all if you can pull it off! Congratulations!

    • dutchman1951 profile image

      dutchman1951 6 years ago from Tennessee, USA

      lolol...brave????.....he he he, funny

      I really enjoyed this Hub, its great. The cartoons are a scream!

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thank you! My daughter said the cartoons were tasteless so I achieved my goal!

      Learning about the food chain was my favourite, followed by the guy explaining the best way to drag a female!

    • profile image

      Marzhan 3 years ago

      Bev,I am sorry to tell you that your 4'6 flat bed-spring has little or no maeotnry value or a market place. They were an inexpensive widely sold type of spring popular between the two great wars and for a few years into the fifties. They are not more than a metal hammock with no support in the middle, but they do last forever, and maybe, just maybe, provide a less hospitable home to vermin than an upholstered box spring.Marshall Coyle

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