- Books, Literature, and Writing
Welcome to Entertaining Expletives
What would the world of wit and wonk be without a few entertaining expletives?
And, even more important, what would a smart ass do without a convenient cuss word or two? Regrettably, the blaspheme-challenged will never know the joy of loosening their tongues after hitting their thumb with a hammer.
This light-hearted lens is devoted to exploring some nifty naughty words one can use in a pinch, particularly when one hasn't a hope in heck finding a blessed bit of salt to throw over one's shoulder.
THE IMP OF IMPRECATIONS SENDS YOU HIS BLESSING
Maybe now it's time to indulge your evil inner imp in a bit of fun and frolic. Who says exploring the exotic world of expletives isn't a worthwhile form of education and entertainment?
"May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope.
May you melt off the earth like snow off the ditch.
May his pipe never smoke, may his teapot be broke
And to add to the joke, may his kettle ne'er boil,
May he keep to the bed till the hour that he's dead,
May he always be fed on hogwash and boiled oil,
May he swell with the gout, may his grinders fall out,
May he roll howl and shout with the horrid toothache,
May the temples wear horns, and the toes many corns,
Of the monster that murdered Nell Flaherty's drake.
May his spade never dig may his sow never pig
May each hair on his wig be well thrashed with a flail
May his door have no latch, may his house have no thatch,
May his turkey not hatch, may the rats eat his meat
May every old fairy, from Cork to Dunleary,
Dip him snug and airy in river or lake,
Where the eel and the trout may feed on the snout
Of the monster that murdered Neill Falheerty's drake.
"I love four letter words."
-- Elizabeth Taylor, actress --
THE NEXT TIME PESKY PISCEAN TRIES TO GRAB A PIECE OF TAIL, JUST REPLY:
Or, if you prefer to level the lily-livered thing with Latin then say,
Quod mare conceptum spumantibus expuit undis.
Source: "How to Insult, Abuse & Insinuate in Classical Latin" by Michelle Lovric and Nikiforos Doxiadis Mardas.
TO CUSS OR NOT TO CUSS THAT IS THE QUESTION
CURSE, v.t. Energetically to belabour with a verbal slapstick. This is an operation which in literature, particularly in drama, is commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of life insurance.
-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary --
LATIN FOR LOOSE-LIPS
Besides these intriguing insults may be just the thing to put your noxious nemesis where he/she belongs.
-- Second rate street poet! -- Non optimus urbicus poeta!
-- By Castor, you're empty-headed! -- Inscita ecastor tu quidem es.
-- Do me a favour and get that twaddle-talking tongue of yours surgically removed from your mouth. -- Non tu tibi istam praetruncari lingu am largiloquam lubes.
-- Quintessential cretin! -- Merus stupor.
-- What are you laughing at Sheep's Head? -- Quid rides vervex?
-- Are you afraid of hisses? -- Sibilum metuis?
-- Motor-mouth! -- Garrula lingua.
-- Your heart is a hardened artery! -- Praeligatum pectus!
Source: How to Insult, Abuse & Insinuate in Classical Latin by Michelle Lovric and Nikiforus Doxiadis Mardas.M
HOW ABOUT A PITHY PROSE PUT-DOWN?
Shakespeare offers some rather fine ways to put pesky people in their place!
Frankly, ye olde English cuss words never go out of style!
The Snarky So-And-So Bookshelf
Everyone knows that wicked wit does wonders for the moral of wimps, wusses and wet-blankets!
For those who love cutting comebacks like: "If you can't say anything nice, then at least have the decency to be vague", "His family tree is a telephone poll", or "Let me see if they have any jobs for someone who is willing to serve donuts on another planet".
The perfect gift for someone who has everything but the gift of a charming personality!
What's not to like about ripsnorting retorts and repartee not to mention clever or comical comebacks -- everyone should have a bit of rapier wit in their purse or pocket!
A great "how-to" guide from the National Sarcasm Society, for those who need to upgrade their snarky skills with the help of a few cleverly placed pointed remarks.
The perfect quip, gibe or insult for every day of the year!
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde --
The Benefits of Blaspheme Poll
What is the greatest benefit of blaspheme?
OH THE MARVELS OF MUDSLINGING
Shakespeare is widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language and the world's pre-eminent playwright.
Apparently scholars have reported that Shakespeare used 17,677 words in his writings, of which at least one tenth had never been used before. Monsieurs and mavens of malevolence owe a debt of gratitute to this majestic master of mud-slinging as can be seen from the following examples of crass cussing, insipid insults, and pompous put-downs:
"Thou art like a toad; ugly and venemous". -- As You Like It
"Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage." -- As You Like It
"Thy tongue outvenoms all the worms of Nile." -- Cymbeline
"Thou art as loathsome as a toad. " -- Troilus and Cressida
"A flesh monger, a fool, and a coward." -- Measure for Measure
"Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese. " -- All's Well That Ends Well
"A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality." -- All's Well That Ends Well
"You are as a candle, the better burnt out. " -- Henry IV
"Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!" -- Henry IV - Part 1
"That trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey Iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?" -- Henry IV - Part 1
"You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat's-tongue, you bull's-pizzle, you stock-fish--O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor's-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!" -- Henry IV - Part 1
"You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe! -- Henry IV - Part 2
"There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune." -- Henry V
"Thou poisonous bunch-back'd toad!" -- Richard III
"Go, prick thy face, and over-red thy fear, Thou lily-liver'd boy. " -- Macbeth
"My wife's a hobby horse!" -- The Winter's Tale
Image Credit: Slate magazine - www.slate.com
NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART...GEORGE'S 7 WORDS
COMICAL CURSES FOR EVERY ODD OCCASION
So, when your friend, family member or foe tells you to "Suck it up" and slink back into your cubbyhole of calmness -- retire to the closet and jump into your toreadore togs, take the bull by the horns, and saddle up to strut your salacious stuff!
Here are some wonderful words that deserve to see the light of day, and who better than you to use them!
-- May all your mirrors shatter when you look upon them.
-- May you suffer from flatulence worse than the stench of a thousand troglodytes.
-- May your codpiece be the playground of a thousand mosquitoes.
-- May chipmunks crawl under your pillow and nibble your nose off when you sleep.
-- May the flees of a thousand camels find your crotch and may your arms be too short to scratch.
-- May you be as sharp as a bowling ball in your golden years.
-- Never let your education get in the way of your ignorance!
-- It's a pity you can't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
-- The only thing you have in short supply is more yardage between the goal posts.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
GRANDMA KNOWS THE "F" WORD!
Jiminy Cricket, Jeepers Creepers -- of course your grandmother knows the "F" word! It's short for fudge, fug you, or I don't give a fig or a flying bleep what you think, you little nincompoop!
On the other hand, she also knows that there are other titillating terms for fornication such as frolicking in the hollyfuds, bouncing the brillo, shagging the fly, harvesting the honey, dancing the matrimonial polka, doing the featherbed jig, taking Nebuchadnezzar out to grass, and telling a whopper of a bedtime story.
Who are you calling clod of wayward marl?
"Me...you quintessence of dust, light of brain, long-tonue'd babbling gossip!
THE ART OF ILLUSTRIOUS INSULTS
When dashing off a quick note or verbal reply to a prospective employer about a former delightful dimwit, dapper dolt, or dazzling dingbat with whom one had a modest acquaintance, it's best to find a wonderfully witty way to describe this intriguingly idiotic individual.
"A well balanced person with a chip on both shoulders."
"He had a healthy attitude to life; he worshipped the Tooth Fairy, flossed daily, and gargled from the fountain of knowledge whenever the spirit moved him."
"I've always found him to be an economical fellow; If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change."
"If he were any more environmentally-friendlly, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"His last performance review indicated that he was in possession of two cerebellums: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"In terms of the gene pool, I'd say he's a prime candidate for natural deselection."
"He's got a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, she's the other one."
"Future growth potential...well, I would say that when his IQ reaches 50 he should sell."
"She can be counted on to bring a lot of joy whenever she leaves the room."
"Suffice to say that his experience with the black abyss and void of nothingness in the universe of all things great and small reveal his remarkable knack for making strangers immediately."
"His interpersonal communication style...well, besides making mountains out of molehills, he excels in arguing with signposts."
"His colleagues would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"Does he swim with the sharks? Truthfully, I would have to say that he might be out of his depth in a puddle."
"This person has delusions of bountiful adequacy."
"If I had to sum it up, I would say that he's not so much of a 'hasbeen', more of a definite 'won'tbe' if you catch my drift."
Image Credit: Vimrod cartoon by Ralph Lazar and Lisa Swerling - vimrod.com
Equal Opportunity Insults
George Bernard Shaw wrote to Winston Churchill:
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
And Churchill wrote back:
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."
SANTA AND HIS SWAG SUCK! - If truth be told, Little Johnny's letter drove him to drink and ruin!
Image Credit: istockphoto.com - 4943549
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, January 23, 2012, a very auspicious occasion -- the beginning of The Year of the Dragon. I thought it was time to clear up certain things that have occurred since when, filled with illusion, I wrote you last year. If you recall, I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
All of which leads me to my next point - what in the name of Old Scratch possessed you to leave me a frigging yoyo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks. What knowledge box did you emanate from, you plump, pugnosed, prince of prigs! Did you think I was impressed with your namby-pamby prittle prattle, you chitty-faced, chuckle-headed chatter box? That sucky-faced sop you were handing out at the mall to every kid didn't fool me one iota you pudding-headed puff guts!
Forget about all the nice stuff I said about you earlier -- you're nothing but a hurly burly hugger mugger and hidebound humbug! Only a mealy-mouthed, merry-begotten, malmsey-nosed mopsqueezer like you would leave some white-livered worthless junk like this under my tree. And, to top things off, you whiffling, whisker-splitting whippersnapper then had the temerity to give that quarrel-picking quaking cheat across the street so many toys he can't even walk into his house.
Don't let me see you trying to fit your addle-plotting arse down my chimney next year. I'll throw rocks at those riff raff reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the North Pole (home to all those ninnyhammers, noddypoles and nincumpoops like you). Next year you'll find out just how bad I can be, you clank napping, close-fisted crankpot.
In the meantime you Slubberdegullion Slushbucket, please accept the enclosed cod's head and can of bad breath as my token of affection for the Year of the Dragon!
PUCKISH PROFANITY POCKETBOOKS
When you're at a loss for words, here's a whopping way to add some jestful jeers to your vocabulary!
For those who are need of a pesky put-down pocketbook that provides all manner of intriguing imprecations for blaspheme-challenged.
Even puckish prime ministers know when to use "fuddle duddle" instead of that famous four-lettered word.
For those who adore the English language and need a pick-me-up of put-downs...this is a little gem!
From the bard of backstabbing himself!
Those who speak the English language often enjoy sprinkling the "F" word in conversation. It also comes in handy during a salacious bit of solitude when one isn't happy with the life, the universe and pretty much everything that gets in one's way of enjoying loads of lollygagging and libations not to mention the pursuit of happiness.