Five Ways to Impress a Total Stranger Over the Phone

Picking up girls isn't something that you have to do in person, you know. Why do you think Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone? Just so you could call out for pizza?

First, if you are a pig yourself, you can hide it from the girl until you actually meet her.

Second, you can call girls of any type, at any time, at anyplace.

• You can call girls at random.
• You can call girls at work.
  
• You can call pretty girls.
  
• You can call willing girls.
  
• You can call big-breasted girls with silken soft skin and perfect smiles.
  
• You can call girls with long luscious legs and round, tender tushies.
  
• You can call girls who speak French, and girls who just whisper.
  
• You can call girls who will marry you, girls who will date you. or girls who will bind you with lingerie and gently flog you with their hair.
  
• The universe is great, your choices are limitless, and destiny awaits you.
  
• So how come you still don't have a date for Saturday night?
  
• Maybe you're using the wrong technique.
  

Here are five ways you should never begin a telephone conversation with a girl who is a stranger to you.

1. Guess what I'm holding in my hand.

2. Um. ah, er, (gulp), um, uh, er, ah, um. . .

3. Well, baby (honey, sweetie, momma, cutie, sugar, ass-face) this is gonna be your luck)' day.

4. (Belllch!)

5. I have a fire in my loin

Things will turn out better for you if you use the right technique. Here are five examples of the right technique. They always work. Sometimes.

1. Guess what I'm holding in both of my hands?

2. You don't know me and I don't know you. But who among us can say that he truly knows any other human being. We are such complex entities, don't you agree? And aren't we all, to some extent, strangers passing through this mysterious void, bound for some other destination, for some other, more perfect world? So why don't I pick up a six-pack and drop over? Perhaps you are my real destination.

3. My name is Bob, and I just won your phone number in a high stakes game of poker.

4. They've made me the king of the gypsies, and I need a date for my coronation.

5. My Bentley broke down in front of your apartment, and I was wondering if I could come up and get a drink of water for my chauffeur.