by A. Gagliardi
The other day I saw a man walking down the street and he had his pants on so low they were hanging down below his butt. Boy, I hate that!
I think it would be good to have a Grannie Posse around town. You all know the kind of grannie I’m talking about. She’s old – at least eighty, and short – below five feet tall. My mother-in-law is four feet, ten inches and she could make it in the Grannie Posse. These gannies wouldn’t be slouches. They would be spit and vinegar; they would tell you just what they think of you, whether you want to hear it or not. The Granie Posse would consist of five to ten Grannies (OK, there could be more). These ladies would drive around town together in an old jalopy looking for people to chastise, reprimand, admonish, berate, or lambaste or in other ways enlighten folks, with lectures about correct behavior.
When they see a guy with his pants hanging down like that, they would jump out of their car and scold him. It might go something like this: “What is the matter with you! Pull those pants up! Don’t you have any kind of fashion sense, for heaven’s sake? How can you even walk with those pants hanging down like that? No one wants to see your butt hanging out! Walking like that can't be good for your back. For goodness sake, put this belt on the right way! What is the matter with you?"
And the grannies would jab and harass the guy enough so he would pull up his pants and walk like he should.
Or they would go up to him with belt in hand saying, "Well, I see that you don't have a belt; here have one of mine."
If the Grannie Posse saw a girl walking down the street dressed in a short, tight skirt and a tight high-waisted top, they would pull over and immediately bawl her out for the skanky way she is dressed.
“OH My Goodness! You look like a hoochy mama! That skirt is way too small for you. Give it to your baby sister. And that top: good grief! Pull it down or add another shirt to it. What is the matter with you? No one wants to see your muffin top. Cover that up!” The grannies would take off their aprons and quickly fashion a demure little dress to cover up the surprised girl.
I think a Grannie Posse could do some good around town. They could catch those kids doing gang initiations. You know, the ones doing all the graffiti. The grannies would jump out of their car and say, “Hey! Quit that. What’s the matter with you? This is public property you are defacing. I know your mama taught you better! Here. Take your T-shirt off and clean that mess up.” When the youth would object that they have no cleaner, the Grannies would say. “Don’t talk back to me. Use your spit like we had to do when we were kids. And put some elbow grease into it.” And if the perpetrator was a girl, the Grannie would take off her apron and spit in it and hand it to her.” Get busy and clean that up. You should be ashamed of the mess you made here.”
A few months ago I called the police because a girl was getting beaten up at the alley near my job site. If the Grannie Posse would have been around, they would have pulled up, grabbed each of the kids by their ear and pulled them to a standing position. Each grannie would have begun a tyrade something like this: “You stop that right now! I just know your mama taught you better. There is no fighting around here. Violence is not the answer! Now you apologize right now. What is the matter with you, anyway?”
And the grannies would make each kid apologize, go home to their mamas and probably ground them for a week.
I would like to see the Grannie Posse in some classrooms around town. When the students don’t sit up straight, pay attention or talk out of turn, the grannie would slap the student upside the head or pull them out into the hall for a short lecture. “You are in that classroom to learn. Stop putzing around and pay attention. Do you want to end up a big failure in life? You got to learn if you want to succeed. What is the matter with you, anyway?”
I think the Grannie Posse could do some good to help turn things around.
Some of my friends would like to join me because they have gripes about people driving too fast on residential streets, driving in their lane on the freeway-while they are in the lane; not signalling a traffic turn, doing a curtsey instead of coming to a "full a complete" stop at lights and stop signs; and a whole list of other infarctions.
I say, come on! Let's remind the youth of today that there really are social standards and there is someone not politically correct, who will voice an opinion. Quick folks, let's band together before all us grannies are goners.
Take the posse poll
Do you think a Grannie Posse would be effective?
The original Grannie Posse
You can have your own membership card (see below)
I was at the VFW the other morning having tea and breakfast with our old folk's group and a friend said she had done a surprising thing. There happened to be a teenaged couple sitting on her the brick wall in her back yard, abutting her alley. They were really making out and she wondered if they needed to get a room. So, beings that my friend is a mother, a grandmother and a Sunday School teacher, she walked right up to the couple and gave them a talking to. She explained that if they really loved each other, the alley was no place to prove it. Then she said more things about respecting themselves and each other. Later she felt a little bit guilty, but we all agreed she had handled the situation perfectly. As a matter of fact, I invited her into my Granny Posse, as she set that young couple straight without being rude or offensive herself.
I did tell her that sometimes members of the Grannie Possie could be construed as offensive, but we all have our hearts in the right place. Our mission is to keep the youngin's of today on the right track. I made up a card so that my friend could join me (and others) in becoming a member of the Grannie Posse.
For those of you who also want to be a member of the 'Grannie Posse", I have created a card - front and back. It will allow you to be a "card carrying member" of the Granny Posse. This card affords you the right to give a tongue lashing to folks who are out of their fool minds and are exhibiting dumb-ass behavior.
Here is the Grannie Posse Card
This card affords the bearer the responsibility to set folks straight.
The bearer of this card has been judged as having:
*More than an ounce of common sense
*A high moral standard
*An accumulation of years’ experience
*Has raised a pack of kids.
And is hear-by deputized as a card-carrying member
of the Grannie Possie.
2012 - present
This bearer is entitled to give a tongue lashing to folks they deem
lacking in common sense
lacking in fashion sense
lacking in driving sense
lacking in any sense
or for setting folks straight who haven’t got a lick of sense.
The bearer can also stop and set straight those who are:
about to attempt a dumb-ass trick
about to jump off a high cliff w/o appropriate apparel.
about to contribute to delinquency of a minor
about to do something against the law
about to wound, maim, impale, or otherwise injure themselves
The Grannie Possie crede:
“What is the matter with you, anyway?”