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guarded

Updated on April 5, 2011

i feel sort of isolated

wrong

like i am supposed to be being one thing

and i am being something completely different.

He hates my tattoo on my face.

I love it.

It speaks to me.

He hates that i don't go with the flow.

I embrace it.

i love that i only participate when it suits me.

The alone time that i crave,

the disconnection that i feel

doesn't seem to matter

unless its getting in someone else's way

you know?

I'm not in the mood for "passion"

so please stop trying.

he said he understood

the proceeded to push the issue

and that makes me angry

and pushes me further than i feel in the first place

blame blame blame

shame shame shame

its always the same

always my fault

always defected

and?

Ive never regretted a single decision

for a second

because they were mine

to make.

what is this

that i just feel

that i want to be alone

to think

to create

undistracted

i could care less

who was home when

i just want some quiet

and some peace

without having to feel guilty that i haven't "given it up"

in a while

so what

back off

the more you drool

the further you push me

hey, why don't you try enjoying a conversation with me

without trying to get me to have sex afterwords?

then maybe ill feel like I'm actually being taken seriously.

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    • the pink umbrella profile imageAUTHOR

      the pink umbrella 

      7 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

      epigramman- if you were eating my poetry, i believe it is i who would be asking for secons... ;)

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 

      7 years ago

      ...actually your writing is 'unguarded' - spontaneous, raw, edgy and free ...... no one else writes like this!

      If writing were food I would eat your delicious poetry and ask for 'seconds' ......

    • tom hellert profile image

      tom hellert 

      7 years ago from home

      PU,

      Shes gets it right allright ...*tee-hee*

      hahaha

      TH

    • the pink umbrella profile imageAUTHOR

      the pink umbrella 

      7 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

      thanks tom, i can always count on you to be rooting for me :) . Yea, it should be like that. a treat rather than a duty. your wifes got it right lol.

    • tom hellert profile image

      tom hellert 

      7 years ago from home

      ok pink now that all the heartfelt touchy feely stuff is done - Enter Th-Sarcastic wise a$$-

      As such... I gotta say i've never gone ANYWHERE that i expected Sex- even now my wife will tell me i'm "getting lucky tonight" but with my memory NOw its alway ALWAYS a surprise.. the only real advantage to the whole mental loss-thing but I liked yer poem -hub-

      TH

    • Genna East profile image

      Genna East 

      7 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Everyone needs their space -- in any relationship -- it's actually healthy. Well done!

    • Fossillady profile image

      Kathi 

      7 years ago from Saugatuck Michigan

      This is the quintessential issue between the sexes! I can so relate..."You're only paying attention to me right now with your coy smile in hopes later of getting some!" Yup, been there, done that! Somehow it gets worked out one way or another! Keep being you! I know you will, if your poetry is any indication of your strength!

    • the pink umbrella profile imageAUTHOR

      the pink umbrella 

      7 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

      :) thanx nikki, really.

    • Nikkij504gurl profile image

      Nikki Wicked 

      7 years ago from Louisiana

      ouch! that must have hurt. hmm but i bet its cute on you. and that you still have a very beautiful face, the tattoo is just an expression of yourself, makes you even more beautiful.

    • profile image

      Johnny Love 

      7 years ago

      Mirror mirror in my eyes, help me see the beauty inside. Left in shadows painted red, dreaming of darkness instead. lol. Thank you lovely...Jlove

    • the pink umbrella profile imageAUTHOR

      the pink umbrella 

      7 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

      Johnny Love- your depth seems to mirror mine. So glad you are here.

    • the pink umbrella profile imageAUTHOR

      the pink umbrella 

      7 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

      Nikki- yes, i have a small navy blue star under my right eye. i got it in mid october of this year. i got it when my life seemed like a cage, and i wrote a piece about my feelings and certain carnal freedoms, and decided that i wanted that piece on my face forever. I wanted every time that i looked into the mirror to be a time that i am reminded that im still here, that im still me and that i need to be me every second of my existance.

      i think its funny that he feels "its such a shame because i have such a beautiful face"

      well im not worried about my face, im more concerned with me holding onto myself.

    • Nikkij504gurl profile image

      Nikki Wicked 

      7 years ago from Louisiana

      hmm, i like you just the way you are. do you really have a tattoo on your face?? anyway, this guy needs to take a hint, and i think you deserve way better, someone who likes you for you, someone who embraces your tattoos and your attitude towards life, and your decisions, you dont have to go with the flow, you make your own flow. and he can either go with it, or get out.

    • profile image

      Johnny Love 

      7 years ago

      Love found in moments of great desire for solitude, holding back to keep the flame alive. So much passion forgotten in times unfolding secrets of less being more. Never to be expected, but a surprise should fill the body's desire for pleasure inside. Or something.

    • the pink umbrella profile imageAUTHOR

      the pink umbrella 

      7 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

      you and i are going on a date cags!

    • Cagsil profile image

      Cagsil 

      7 years ago from USA or America

      Sex isn't all it's cracked up to be and those who pursue it as the end all, be all, are out of their minds. The relationship should be based on something substantial. Needless to say, that substantial should be love and love isn't about sex. I understand where you're coming from and I share your thoughts. :) There should be cuddling time that doesn't necessarily lead to sex. Sex shouldn't be expected, whenever one pays attention to the other. :)

    • the pink umbrella profile imageAUTHOR

      the pink umbrella 

      7 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

      Thats what im saying. Its a long term relationship, but sometimes i need my space, and want to spend more friend time together, you know? barely seeing each other because of schedules and then jumping to sex and going to bed sucks. id like to play a board game or go outside and talk or something. And not have to be thinking the whole time that hes just spending this time with me because there is going to be sex afterwords. Sometimes, i need a break form sex and all the other stuff. Maybe im different, but its just how i feel.

    • 4elements profile image

      4elements 

      7 years ago

      I have been here several times and it always gets me to the point where i want to scream or break stuff. Scream I can't do, maybe I should invest in paper plates,lol anyways i just wanted to say I understand your point of view, and To me if they cant be interested in my mind then they dont get enterance to my body.

    • Cagsil profile image

      Cagsil 

      7 years ago from USA or America

      Well, that was direct. LOL! :) It can be difficult to get oneself noticed and to make sense of it for when it doesn't happen is always going to be a struggle. How this particular individual can have no interest in your mind is beyond me. I happen to think your mind is one of your best qualities. Talking with you is always a pleasure. :) Thank you for sharing more of yourself. Thumbs up! :)

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