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How to Date a Zombie: Woes for an Undead Lover
wed2dead approved literature
Dear Human Applicant,
We would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your recent interest in our matchmaking service and once you've been approved by our financial department we look forward to aid you in the search for your soulmate. Here at the offices of Dead2Wed we believe nobody should find themselves decomposing alone - not even in death. You may not be as beautiful as Madeline Ashton or as skinny as Helen Sharp but that does not mean you need to spend your afterlife alone; slowly shuffling yourself from one desecrated town to the next while finding little fulfilment in your everyday brain-eating. Yes, there is someone or something out there for you and, before Ash Williams or Rick Grimes catch up with you, we will match you to that person or, at least, one of their body-parts.
Dead2Wed has cornered the market on zombie/zombie and zombie/human dating since the zombie apocalypse of 2012 and contributed heavily in the zombie marches throughout the early two-thousands. As the last remaining matchmaking service in North America we pride ourselves as the best in the industry and last month ZQ - Zombie Quarterly - named us 'the creme de la creme for humans serious about zombie-love.' As of December 2014 we have successfully matched thirty-thousand zombie couples around North America making us one of the single most successful coupling service of the year.
As a human applicant there are a few rules and safety precautions we must legally make you aware of, before we start matching you to your zombie lover.
- Please DO NOT bring up the size of your brain, mention how intelligent you are or draw attention to your head with incessant head rubbing or hair straightening - this may cause a violent attack and may impede the matchmaking process
- Please DO NOT wear an excessive amount of perfume or order an obnoxiously large meal, in fact we suggest your dates should consist of coffee or water. Strong odours may cause your zombie date to become unhinged and kill your waiter or waitress, there is a dwindling number of food service workers left in the world - please, do not aid in their extinction.
- Please REMEMBER your zombie may be extremely sensitive about the rotting odour he/she is giving off and does not need to be reminded of it. Although they are unable to articulate their embarrassment through words they may take a couple swipes at you - remember we do not protect against infection, as there is no cure.
- Please DO NOT bring flash photography equipment of any kind on any of your dates, this could cause your zombie to snap your neck while you are snapping a photo of him/her - this would be the end of your search for companionship.
- Please DO NOT bring weapons of any kind on any dates with your zombie, you've the right to bear arms but the discovery of a two-barrel shotgun may cause an altercation.
- Please DO NOT kiss or have sex with your zombie, this is leaving you open to myriad of different diseases and the, cureless, zombie-plague. This matchmaking service is about companionship, we do not specialize in sexual experimentation.
- Please REMEMBER your zombie is fragile and could need to have their limbs reattached several times while on your date - please, do not attempt to help them reattach or touch your zombie at all - the ooze carries toxins harmful to humans.
- Please DO NOT agree to meet his friends while on the first date, this never ends well for the human dater.
We look forward to aiding you on this journey and, if you've been approved, hope to see you at our Walking Dead mixer on September 3rd at the Winchester starting at seven pm.
Founder of Dead2Wed and Matchmaking Extraordinaire