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How to Live with Your Skinny Friends

Updated on April 23, 2012
janikon profile image

Stuart has spent three years trying to convince his boyfriend he is not hiding books under their bed and they are certainly not multiplying.

she is totes thinking about jogging
she is totes thinking about jogging | Source

There is nothing more annoying than eating or shopping with a skinny person but there is nothing worse than living with one. While they have no problem walking around the apartment or house in a towels, bra and panties or boxers, you find yourself hanging a full snowsuit on the back of the bathroom door, just in case they are home when you finish showering. Their fat days include laying on the couch with a tub of ice cream and a chick flick, though they never miss their early morning run. Your fat days include a tub of cookie dough and a horror film while being completely locked in your bedroom, away from their nonjudgmental eyes.

Does this sound familiar to you? I know, it hurts that refined sugar has not passed your lips in nine months and your boy/girlfriend has not seen you naked in nearly eight. I have pledged my life to making your life better, while living with a skinny person.

stupid b**ch, wears a zero!
stupid b**ch, wears a zero! | Source

If you are a woman willingly living with a size zero female than you will be forced to help her choose outfits for dates, nights out with her model-like friends and those weddings you have both been invited to. Unfortunately, whatever you choose to wear in comparison to your friend will look like a tarp or muumuu and she will, of course, compliment you on your 'bangin' bod.

She will actually mean it. It will make you feel like the fat unattractive swamp marm, especially since you just caught sight of the back of her legs: yep, untouched by cellulite.

By month three, your skinny roommate will have convinced you to join her gym and after a night of cosmos, you totes agreed to run a marathon come spring. Yeah, I'm not sure what possessed you to do it, either. Watching her workout will be completely unnerving, considering you have never seen her break a sweat nor does anything on her body seem to move without her knowledge. I don't know when you became the sweaty fat friend, but fortunately she hasn't noticed. Though the guy at the elliptical has and he has been judging you for the last forty five minutes, it's given him a break from figuring out a way to ask your friend out.

I am sorry to say but you will have started rethinking your boyfriend, as well. While she thinks he's the greatest thing since the fat-flush, you have started comparing her boyfriend to your own. He looks gorgeous all the time, no matter if he just woke up or just breezed in from his morning run (with a muffin for you) while your boyfriend has a cheeto stuck to his beard.

You would move out but she's just so f**kin nice. Your book on the joys of secret eating will be a New York Times best-seller, so there is that.

this was taken on the wednesday after bar night
this was taken on the wednesday after bar night | Source

If you are man living with a lean toned god then you are well-versed in slow deconstruction of your fragile male ego. While he has no problem walking around the apartment in a towel, his abs still glistening from the shower, you have taken to showering in a t-shirt: it's like doing laundry and cleaning yourself, at once. Dude, you are basically single-handedly solving the worlds environmental issue.

Gratuitous nudity? Your roommate has no problem with nakedness, it would seem things grow larger on a smaller, leaner plot of land. You, however, have not seen your body naked since the day after you moved in; you know, the day after you saw his perfect sculpted ass. Your girlfriend still hasn't experienced morning from your bed, and you're not sure if she ever will. You can't risk her comparing that low swinger with the fantastic genes to you, and your extra ten pounds.

You and him workout together nearly everyday and while he seems to remain completely toned and svelte, you can't figure it out. You saw him eating nachos the other day and drinking beer with your buds but his muscles must just deflect fat, lucky bastard. The girls at the gym and in the bar seem to fawn all over him but he only has eyes for his beautiful girlfriend, who happens to be a professional b!tch. Yesterday, after she finished the last of your orange juice, you apologized for not having more. I'm still not sure why you did it either but ... she still hates you, sorry.

You would move out but he has always got your back and is your oldest friend, and one day you will write a famous comedy about your odd couple experience. He will be rich too, but for something completely different.

He will always be a great guy, and sometimes it makes you feel sick.

The best thing you can do when living with a skinny person is write everything down and take loads of photos of them. You can sell their underwear on ebay or craigslist to help fund your education, they will probably think it's flattering- if they ever were to find out.

Just remember one thing - one thing to help you get through it all - they will one day be fat. And, on that day, you will be there to take photos, even if it is only five pounds. It's still something they didn't have before.


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    • Parks McCants profile image

      Parks McCants 6 years ago from Eugene Oregon U.S.A.

      Good stuff! And soooo true. Well writen,voted up.

    • Thundermama profile image

      Catherine Taylor 6 years ago from Canada

      Soooo funnny! Loved it, loved it, loved it. Am now following. Damn so funny.

    • janikon profile image

      Stuart A Jeffery 6 years ago from Toronto, Ontario

      @kuttingxedge Thanks! I agree.

    • kuttingxedge profile image

      S.P. Kelly 6 years ago from Just outside of international extradition agreements

      Yeah, some people just take themselves way too seriously..

      I enjoyed it.

    • janikon profile image

      Stuart A Jeffery 6 years ago from Toronto, Ontario

      Thanks, hisandhers, you've brightened my day!

    • hisandhers profile image

      hisandhers 6 years ago from Toronto, Ontario, Canada

      Love your sarcasm, Janikon- somedays that's what keeps me going is reading your hysterical hubs. It's just a shame that your tongue-in-cheek demeanor doesn't always come through the Internet for some people. Clever and funny and voted up!

    • janikon profile image

      Stuart A Jeffery 6 years ago from Toronto, Ontario

      @DreamsinBloom my intention was not to bash either side of the weight spectrum, so I am sorry you took offense. I was a competitive swimmer and lived five pounds underweight for many years, I have also lived ten pounds overweight, and now am at the ideal weight for my height. This hub is more about how one compares oneself to their ideal, or, in this case, those seemingly perfect people we are friends with.

      The hub could be entitled 'how to live with your smart friends' or 'how to live with your beautiful friends' or 'how to live with your talented friends' and the message would still be the same. The message is not that you are the 'fat' 'stupid' 'ugly' or 'untalented' friend but instead, you have made this person your ideal standard, so why not poke fun at the phenomenon.

      Thanks for the read, in any case.

    • kittythedreamer profile image

      Nicole Canfield 6 years ago from Summerland

      I actually found this hub quite funny and I consider myself to be a very open-minded and non-judgmental person. But I have to agree with LVidoni5, it's poking fun at both ends of the spectrum and if you can't laugh at yourself what can you laugh at? The writer isn't calling one particular person fat or skinny, he is merely making a satyrical story from real-world experience. I found it entertaining. Great job!

    • DreamsInBloom profile image

      DreamsInBloom 6 years ago

      Okay. Read it all. And I think it's really sad that people think/feel this way about both overweight and thin people. It doesn't seem to be laughing at our differences, but about bashing both. I have been bashed because of my thinness and I have seen my sister bashed for her obesity and friends bashed for being "overweight" (when really they just have great curves). So I try to respect people of all sizes.

      And really, if that first sentence read, "There is nothing more annoying than eating or shopping with a fat person but there is nothing worse than living with one," then it wouldn't be considered funny. As I said before. I hope someday all sizes will be accepted. That there is no need to poke fun at either side because the judging has stopped. Just accept yourself.

    • LVidoni5 profile image

      Brian Loewer 6 years ago from Portland, Oregon

      Dreams- You should really finish reading the hub. I guess some are easily offended, but by this? Ah come on. He's poking fun at the relationship on both sides. How boring would life be if we couldn't laugh at our differences.

    • DreamsInBloom profile image

      DreamsInBloom 6 years ago

      I didn't even finish reading this. I know it's a waste of my time to be offended, but I really find it interesting what people will say about "skinny" people that they will not say about "fat" people. If you replaced "skinny" with "fat" in this article you'd have something that people would be furious and hurt over. I actually have been thinking of writing a hub on this sort of thing where people say the meanest, hurtful things about skinny people...because skinny bashing is okay and fat bashing is not? I hope someday that All bashing, of all sizes, ends. Not just for one size.

    • emilybee profile image

      emilybee 6 years ago

      This hub is great :) I know the people you are talking about, the overtly skinny ones. I'm thin but the amount of food I consume is ridiculous. Just can't put on the pounds. I'm sure the metabolism will catch up to me someday so thanks for the reminder that I will one day be fat ;) Then the photos will be taken ;) lol Voted up and shared.

    • kuttingxedge profile image

      S.P. Kelly 6 years ago from Just outside of international extradition agreements

      Loved it! I'm finally getting into shape but, but unlike the guy eating nachos and drinking beer, my ass deflects nothing. Now I know that their figures weren't handed down from the Gods, come with a lot of hard work and self-deprivation, but still! Bastards!

    • LVidoni5 profile image

      Brian Loewer 6 years ago from Portland, Oregon

      This is hilarious!. Haha great work.

    • janikon profile image

      Stuart A Jeffery 6 years ago from Toronto, Ontario

      @Jessi10 Thanks for the HubLove! You can totally reference it if you would like, I am touched you'd want to. Thanks!

    • janikon profile image

      Stuart A Jeffery 6 years ago from Toronto, Ontario

      @barbergirl28 Thanks for the share and follow! There comes a point in any relationship with a seemingly perfect friend where you wish they would just punch you in your face, thus giving you an actual reason to dislike them. Then you could refer to them as, 'that skinny bitch who punched me in the face, god I hate her'

      But for all the other times, there is ice cream. :)

    • Jessi10 profile image

      Jessica Rangel 6 years ago from Lancaster, CA

      This is by far one of the FUNNIEST things I have ever read! OH, I'm sharing this, and OH do you mind if I put this hub as a reference in one of my Hubs?? I would love to share it with all of my readers! VOTED UP, and everything else!

    • barbergirl28 profile image

      Stacy Harris 6 years ago from Hemet, Ca

      I am laughing so hard right now... OMG - this is absolutely hilarious... and yet, there is so much truth. Whether we are "fat" or not doesn't matter.... it is that perfect friend that we secretly hate! Oh my - this is great! So sharing this so other people can have a good laugh as well!

    • hisandhers profile image

      hisandhers 6 years ago from Toronto, Ontario, Canada

      Oh wow. J totally had a Cheeto stuck in his stubble the other day. Body hair + snack food= not the sexiest look. This hub is definitely so true!

    • lilyfly profile image

      Lillian K. Staats 6 years ago from Wasilla, Alaska

      Oh, we are connected! My best friend is still 105, and I look like I ate her! No, that did NOT come out right! You know what I mean! Much love, lily

    • profile image

      Motown2Chitown 6 years ago

      How frickin' funny! I can so relate - I have lots of skinny friends, a couple of whom I've lived with. Thankfully, though, I never kept my thoughts to myself. It helped us keep things real.

      Up and very, very funny. :)

    • janikon profile image

      Stuart A Jeffery 6 years ago from Toronto, Ontario

      @LailaK there is something so upsetting about skinny people droning on and on about being fat, especially when you're sitting there feeling like the five-hundred pound hun next to them. Congratulations on losing all the weight though, you should go ahead and get a t-shirt that reads, "skinny b*tch in training". Thanks for the hublove!

      @LaurelLee lol, your comment made me laugh. I didn't even know those shirts existed but now that I know, I need to scour the streets until I find one. And 100 pounds? I'm regretting the apple I had with my breakfast, now. Thanks for the hublove!

    • Laurel Lee profile image

      Laurel Lee 6 years ago

      I have an almost twenty year old daughter who actually does wear a size zero. I don't even think I wore a size zero as a fetus. She has a t-shirt that says "It's not easy being a skinny b**ch" and would live on Taco Bell, if possible.

      She is staring to pack on the weght, though. At her last physical, she broke the 100 pound barrier!

    • LailaK profile image

      LailaK 6 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      I totally relate with this! I am not fat, but I used to be over-weight and unfortunately I always got teased about it by my father, friends, and family. After I lost all the junk, I am still never able to look at myself as "healthy" or "skinny;" and always when my skinny friends come over, I feel worthless around them, especially when they say stuff like "Maan I'm faat." Anyhow very realistic hub! Voted up :)


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