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How to Shop with Your Skinny Friends
Whether you are male or female there is nothing more detrimental to your self-esteem than accompanying your skinny friends while they shop for new clothing. No matter what they try on - however ugly, or small, it appears on the rack - fits their svelte body perfectly, hugs their narrow hips and tiny legs amazingly, all the while looking absolutely fantastic on them. You will undoubtedly end up standing awkwardly next to a table of neatly folded cardigans while clumsily sidestepping haughty preteens coming down off their caffeine highs. Your friend will spend twenty minutes humming and hawing over the fit of the jeans or the colour before emerging from the change room looking tremendous, instantly causing you to rethink that chocolate muffin you wolfed down three days ago.
The shopping excursion will last a couple of more hours before they are begging you to accompany them to the food court because they are absolutely famished. You, of course, will pass on the meal, uncomfortable by the thought of eating infront of them, opting to sip a small coffee while watching them pack away a double cheeseburger with bacon, an extra large fries and a chocolate shake. You will be the one who uncomfortably bloats whereas they will ultimately decide to purchase the extra small vintage-cut white tee they have been mulling over for the last three hours.
They will slide it over their flat stomach wanting to get your last opinion on their purchase, as you readjust your bag in hopes of hiding your seemingly pregnant stomach.
In the end, you will leave the mall sixteen pounds heavier and completely enervated but seriously considering one of those trendy eating disorders. You will arrive home heading straight to your bedroom mirror to study your mutant body - how did you develop the unfortunate ability to absorb the fat from strangers you pass on the street? Did you grow an extra chin? You will decide to go for a five mile jog in hopes of burning off the small black coffee while your friend will head home to polish off a family sized bag of ketchup chips while watching television, feeling no guilt whatsoever.
Does this sound familiar? We have all been there. It sucks. Here are some tips to salvage a bit of your self-esteem while shopping with Giselle or Matthew.
- Your self-esteem is already fragile, so be kind to yourself and avoid the mirrors hanging in the clothing stores. These mirrors were designed and placed in the store by sadists who like nothing better than to make you look death ill ... and fat. Your best bet is to focus on the clothes or the pint of mint-chocolate chip ice cream chilling in your freezer at home. I would suggest wearing a burka shopping but it cause an uncomfortable set of questions.
- You will need to drink a tonne of Starbucks beforehand. None of this latte or tea crap. You'll need two or three red-eyes followed by espresso shots, pretend it's your sisters bachelorette party and down those shots like a champ. Trust me, when I say, you will need a lot of caffeine to survive this shopping excursion. Your friend will flit around the mall with the energy or a coked-up hummingbird while you move around the stores feeling like you are dragging around a dead hippo.
- You will undoubtedly run into the person you have been crushing on for three years, four months and twenty-three days. He will look fantastic. Smell amazing. And your knees will go weak when he flashes that perfect smile. I would suggest abusing the sidestep. This simple move will create the needed distance between you and your tiny-waisted friend, therefore making it impossible for a close body comparison. True masters of the sidestep can also make the waif disappear by adding the simple friendly push off landing them under a table in the food court or through the archway of one of the stores.
- Suggest shopping at a thrift store or consignment store which panders to the fuller-figured individual. Your friend doesn't need anymore clothes. She or he would look good in a plastic shopping back with arm holes. Bring a camera and have a impromptu Facebook photo-shoot to be enjoyed by all your friends.
- Dress in layers. You can blame your bulkiness on your clothing choice that day. Some would fault you for wearing a parka in August but you can take comfort in the fact you will actually be sweating off those extra pounds. Afraid of passing out? Take comfort in the fact you will be treated to a liquid diet at the hospital.
The malls of the world are breeding grounds for the skinny and the beautiful, so I would avoid them at all costs, unless someone is having a sale and you have torn your favourite jeans - then go. In a perfect world the size and weight of your friend would not bother you but since we live in a world obsessed with looks, it does and we are forgiven our jealousies. Just remember if worse comes to worse and your friend becomes to unforgivingly thin - naturally - and dips into the negative numbers learn from Cady and start plotting their demise, one Cal-teen bar at a time.