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How Not To Self Publish
Make Your Bad Self Published Novel
You just finished your novel. It's a masterpiece. Dozens of people will want to buy it. And you don't want that mean publishing company to take most of the money they'll give. Besides, they don't recognize your genius. All you have to show for your submissions is a stack of rude rejection letters.
Much better to do it yourself, keep all the profit and laugh all the way to your holiday in the Bahamas. Well, here's how to do it.
Have a Clip Art or 3D Cover
Even ebooks need cover art. Why bother hiring an artist when you can put together a cover out of all the wonderful free clip art out there? Or...wow. There are all these sites that will create a book cover for me, for free, with almost no work.
There. You've got your cover. Oh, you need a nice title font. Plenty of those for free, too. Pick one that has plenty of nice curls to it. Or maybe one that looks like a robot typed it for your science fiction novel.
Easy. You have your cover.
Make Your Cool Layout
All books have the same font. It's really boring. So, how about having yours printed in an elegant font that looks like your handwriting. It's bound to stand out and make readers pick your book up.
Or maybe you can use these gorgeous clip art capital letters you found at the start of each chapter. Or the start of each scene.
Don't forget to put funky little symbols next to or, better yet, around the page numbers. It'll look great. Especially on e-readers.
Add A Sexy Picture
You're not just good at writing, you're hot. If your book is going to be a paperback, then don't forget to include a picture of yourself. Make sure you look sexy. Find your best revealing outfit - especially you, ladies.
Don't forget to wear plenty of makeup and get yourself photographed somewhere with a really cool background. Your best friend can handle it...sure, she only picks up a camera once a year, but as long as it's a reasonably clear picture it will do, right?
Oh, even better, you already have a picture. The one from last year's office Christmas party. You know, the one where your boss brought that wonderful single malt.
Forget The Editing
Your work is a masterpiece. It's absolutely perfect. It doesn't need to be edited. You finished it a whole two weeks ago and it's ready to go.
Besides, readers are stupid. They won't notice the typo on page 47 or the fact that your villain is bald in chapter 4 and has flowing red locks in chapter 10. They'll be too wrapped up in your wonderful story to care about little details like that. If they criticize your grammar, tell them you're a literary great and are doing it on purpose. Ooh, maybe you can refuse to use quotation marks. That's trendy right now.
Use Your Distributor's Free ISBN Service
Ooh! You don't have to pay for an ISBN. Your distributor will gladly put one on for you. Of course, then they'll show as the publisher.
Oh well. That's not a big deal. I mean, everyone knows they're just posting my book to their website and I did all the work. Right?