Funny Life Quotes
Laughter Really is the Best Medicine....
Laughter can have a positive effect on the mind and body, and it has been found that a good sense of humor is essential in helping to make sure that your mood and emotional state support good health. Laughter is also contagious, so you would also be helping to improve the lives of those around you.
A good laugh can bring your mind and body back into balance by reducing stress, strengthening your immune system, increasing energy levels, and by keeping you more alert and focused.
Laughter can also trigger the release of endorphins which can help promote well-being and can temporarily help relieve pain. Humor can help our heart by increasing blood flow and improving the function of blood vessels, possibly helping to reduce the risk of a heart attack.
The Darwin Awards
~ If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ~ John Kenneth Galbraith
Carlton's Quote Corner
Funny Quotes about Life by Unknown Authors
~ It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.~
~ People who snore always fall asleep first. ~
~ Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. ~
~ The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~
~ When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. ~
~ Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics. ~
~ A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. ~
~ I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.~
~ The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. ~
~ It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. ~
~ Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.~
~ It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. ~
~ A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed. ~
~ The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does. ~
Top Quote Websites
Just Plain Funny....
~ Life is just one damned thing after another. ~ Erbert Hubbard
~ If you can't convince them, confuse them. ~ Harry S. Truman
~ We are the people our parents warned us about. ~ Jimmy Buffett
~ Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.~ P.D. East
~ You can't have everything... where would you put it? ~ Steven Wright
~ What if "the hokey pokey" is REALLY what it's all about? ~ Curtis Spencer
~ There's no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~ Jerry Seinfeld
~ Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. ~ Will Rogers
~ If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.~ Johnny Carson
~ If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. ~ George Goba
~ The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat. ~ Lily Tomlin
~ The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. ~ Bill Watterson
~ I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it.~ Charles Schulz
~ When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. ~ Mark Twain
~ Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. ~ Colin Sautar
~ USA Today has come out with a new survey-apparently, three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population.~ Dave Letterman
~ Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink.~ Shunryu Suzuki Roshi
~ You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. ~ Dennis Miller
~ Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe. ~ Albert Einstein
~ Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.~ Sam Ewing
~ There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them. ~ Lawrence Welk
~ Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother. ~ Claudette Colbert
~ All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. ~ Jane Wagner
~ Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.~ Charles Schulz
~ Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? ~ Bob Monkhouse
~ An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. ~ Agatha Christie
~ My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. ~ Walter Matthau
~ If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? ~ Stephen Wright
~ Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. ~ Helen Rowland
~ The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. ~ Jeff Foxworthy
Funny Quotes about Life by Woody Allen
Woody Allen (1935) who was given the name Allan Stewart Konigsberg at birth is an American actor, screenwriter, director, jazz musician, author, comedian, and playwright.
~ Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. ~
~ Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.~
~ I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. ~
~ When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. ~
~ Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words. ~
~ I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. ~
~ Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. ~
~ The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.~
Funny Quotes about Life by Oscar Wilde
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) was a famous Irish poet, novelist, critic, dramatist, and is one of the most iconic figures from late Victorian era. He had a flare for life that was evident in his writings and quotations, giving him his own unique way with words....
~ In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane. ~
~ Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. ~
~ Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.~
~ Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.~
~ The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. ~
~ It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly. ~
~ I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. ~
~ To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early or be respectable. ~
~ Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot. ~
More Anonymous Quotes on Life....
~ We never really grow up. We just learn how to act in public.~
~ The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.~
~ If it wasn't for dogs, some people would never go for a walk. ~
~ Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. ~
~ If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. ~
~ He believes that marriage and a career don't mix. So after the wedding he plans to quit his job. ~
~ Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that's really where you wish they were. ~
~ Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. ~
~ If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.~
Jeff Dunham & Walter ~ Arguing with Myself
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