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Football for Martians

Updated on August 18, 2015
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Kevin was born in Stevenage New Town, UK in the summer of 1959, and graduated from Gonville & Caius College, Cambridge in 1980.

It's all HIS fault

Ebenezer Cobb Morley, who is regarded as the "father of football".
Ebenezer Cobb Morley, who is regarded as the "father of football". | Source

Match Report

Two opposing parties attempt to rid itself of a loathsome creature by stunning it and storing it in a net controlled by the opposing party.

The ferocity and eagerness with which feet are used to deal with the beast is in direct contrast to the reluctance shown in handling the creature. Although they will not stoop to gather the beast into their arms and deposit it that way in the opposing net, they will engage in all manner of attempts to acquire the beast and then subject it to all kinds of kicking and head-butting in an attempt to leave the creature so stunned and exhausted, that it becomes pliable with regard it being stowed in the oppositions trap.

A ball-bully tries to get the offending object in his opponents trap
A ball-bully tries to get the offending object in his opponents trap | Source

The only time the players in this drama will condescend to handle the ball is when it has been deemed to have escaped, and by custom, the beast must be grasped and hurled back into the arena, all the better to ensure it doesn't escape again. It has been noted that the party guilty of letting the thing escape are not entrusted with its capture or return, which seems sensible.

A brave little boy has captured a Fubouh
A brave little boy has captured a Fubouh
Two other Fubouh-like spehroids
Two other Fubouh-like spehroids

The other exception to this reluctance to handle the loathsome sphere is exhibited by the storekeeper, who naturally resist all attempts to land him with the baby, punching it away or grabbing it only to cast it aside. He will invariably adopt a look of disgust whenever he is required to retrieve the creature from the store, often just lying there, clearly steeling himself for the odious task. He often accompanies this with a lot of hysterical shouting at his work-mates, and is often known to deliver a petulant kick to the object which sends it, willy-nilly, as far away as possible, which is understandable.

They were at it even then!
They were at it even then! | Source
... and there
... and there | Source
Foubou " ... infests the streets of most earthling settlements."
Foubou " ... infests the streets of most earthling settlements." | Source

The reluctance to fully engage with the creature, that nearly all the participants demonstrate, abjuring manual contact for the most part, clearly indicates the loathing they feel for the beast, itself first introduced onto the field by an individual whose own tainted status is clearly delineated in the contumely heaped upon him by most of the rest of the people involved in, or witness to the process. Their antipathy seems motivated, first, by his introduction of the ball onto the field, and second by the regular confrontations he provokes by emitting ear-piercing sounds that bring the operation to a halt, and generally interfering with the work of the other participants.

This person also exists in an ambivalent relation to the beast, evidenced by the effort he puts in to overseeing its treatment and not only abjures the harsh kicking the others bestow upon it, but takes great care to avoid even the slightest contact with the thing.

The creature is not defenceless, and if provoked (it seems a very hardy organism) will often retaliate in kind by crushing a participants testicles or by administering a humiliating and painful slap to the backside. It also has a defensive trick whereby it slips itself under the foot of an attacker, and then upends him. Some quite serious injuries can be inflicted this way.

Eventually, they all give up, much to the whistle-blower's annoyance it would seem, and seem somehow to come to terms with the thing, often seeking it out to gather into their arms and carry it away, oblivious it would seem to the crowds eagerness to see to it themselves.

Little is achieved and we are unable to find any point in this activity, other than the desire for ritual humiliation and the release of pent-up aggression towards the creature, which admittedly infests the streets of most earthling settlements.

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