Short Jokes and Funny One-Liners
- 'Rich' is relative... The richer you are, the more relatives you have.
- True that money can't buy happiness. But somehow, it feels better to cry in a Porche.
- Punctuation: The difference between “Helping your Uncle, Jack, off his horse.” and "Helping your uncle jack off his horse."
- How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the bulb really has to want to change...
- Why wasn't Jesus born in America? Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
- What do you call a fish without an eye? A fsh.
- I quit my job at the helium gas factory... I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
- The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
- Two TV antenna got married the other day. Wedding was crap but the reception was excellent.
- Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
- They all laughed at me when I said I was going to become a comedian! Well, they're not laughing now!
- Want to hear a joke about sodium? Na.
- If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?
- What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish!"
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'...know how to make them truly happy..."
There was a silence. And then the genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"
Young Billy came home from school with a bruised eye. Qhen his worried mother asked what happened, he replied that he'd had quarreled with his classmate. "That's not very good, Billy" said his shocked mom. "Tomorrow you will give him a chocolate and make up with him."
The next day Billy returned home with his other eye bruised. "Now what?!" His mother asked.
"He wants another chocolate..." Billy replied.
World War III
President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big boobs."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you NO ONE cares about the 140 million Muslims"
A great writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, 'I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!'
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
A housewife, an accountant, an engineer, and a lawyer were all asked "What's 2 + 2?".
The housewife immediately said "4".
The accountant said "We think it's 4, but for tax purposes it could be 3".
The engineer said "We think it's 4, but we'll call it 5, just to be on the safe side".
The lawyer locked the doors, dimmed the lights, sit down with his fingers crossed, and asked in a soft voice "How much do you want it to be?"
A tap on the shoulder
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is My first day driving a cab... I've been driving a HEARSE for the last 25 years."
Freds and Georges (nope, not Harry Potter)
Once upon a time there were 247 bears all named Fred. Now life as Fred was pretty hard because.. Fred was marring Fred, But Fred had just broke up with Fred, Fred and Fred were already Married. So one day Fred called all the Bears together and said, "Fred's we have a problem. We are getting into fights to often, I suggest we see a lawyer."
So, the Freds got together all the money they have gotten from innocent bystanders they had eaten over the years. And went to the local Lawyer. They explained the problem to the lawyer. He took their payment. And said, the easilest way to sovle your problem is; Change your name."
Once upon a time there were 247 bears all named George. Now life as George was pretty hard because.. George was marring George, But George had just broke up with George, George and George were already married. So one day George called all the Bears together and they set of to the local lawyer. "It didn't work," George said, "We're now all George." And then they gobbled him up.
Morale of the story:
Life is rough then you get eaten by bears.
Nee more laughs? Have a look here: Smile, and laugh it off!