ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

some of my favourite jokes

Updated on August 20, 2010

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart
of milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier. He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition,
looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her
selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct.
But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

Don't buy a stupid dwarf.
It's not big and it's not clever.

Two Irish nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the historic back
streets of Dublin one evening. One of them leans over to her companion and
says, "I've never come this way before." The other nun replies, "It's the
cobblestones"

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do
not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if
the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or
against us. There is no middle ground.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road.
TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed I've not been told.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
eChicken2009 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook - and internet explorer is
an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON
What is your definition of chicken?
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT
CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was
rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
HOMER SIMPSON
Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n

A man goes into a doctor's surgery and says, "Help! I think I'm a moth!"
The doctor says, "Well, I can't help you, I'm only a GP. You need the
psychiatrist next door. Why on earth did you come to me?"
And the man says, "Your light was on."



The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are - THE - seven
dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around
and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No,
Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the other
dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences
them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the
world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting... "Dopey
screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"



On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95 year old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday
morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied
granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the
best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just
the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on
the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if the ice cream van hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"



A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and
immediately she suggests that they do a '69.'
"What's that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head
between your legs and you put your head between mine."
Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the
moment, he agrees to try it. The second they get into position, she lets loose a rip-roaring f*rt!!!! "What the hell was that for?."
"Ooops!...sorry, let's try again" she says. So, they get into position again...and once more she lets one loose! The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.
"Wait, wait where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!!

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • amillar profile image

      amillar 

      8 years ago from Scotland, UK

      I'd better wtch out for the icecream van - he plays Row the Boat Ashore.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)