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some of my favourite jokes

Updated on August 20, 2010

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart
of milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier. He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition,
looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her
selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct.
But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

Don't buy a stupid dwarf.
It's not big and it's not clever.

Two Irish nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the historic back
streets of Dublin one evening. One of them leans over to her companion and
says, "I've never come this way before." The other nun replies, "It's the

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do
not even have a chicken.
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if
the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or
against us. There is no middle ground.
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road.
I agree with George.
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed I've not been told.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
It was an historic inevitability.
What chicken?
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
eChicken2009 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook - and internet explorer is
an integral part of eChicken.
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
What is your definition of chicken?
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT
CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was
Did I miss one?
Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n

A man goes into a doctor's surgery and says, "Help! I think I'm a moth!"
The doctor says, "Well, I can't help you, I'm only a GP. You need the
psychiatrist next door. Why on earth did you come to me?"
And the man says, "Your light was on."

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are - THE - seven
dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around
and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No,
Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the other
dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences
them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the
world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting... "Dopey
screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95 year old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday
morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied
granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the
best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just
the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on
the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if the ice cream van hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and
immediately she suggests that they do a '69.'
"What's that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head
between your legs and you put your head between mine."
Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the
moment, he agrees to try it. The second they get into position, she lets loose a rip-roaring f*rt!!!! "What the hell was that for?."
"Ooops!...sorry, let's try again" she says. So, they get into position again...and once more she lets one loose! The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.
"Wait, wait where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!!


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    • amillar profile image

      amillar 7 years ago from Scotland, UK

      I'd better wtch out for the icecream van - he plays Row the Boat Ashore.