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Something uncomfortable in our jeans

Updated on May 18, 2011
An 8 legged cow (honestly)
An 8 legged cow (honestly) | Source

There is a very disturbing group arising in the Land of the Long White Shroud these days. You might have heard mention of it lately as a new saviour, but the cult (I think I spelled that correctly) that is called Sciontology is anything but that.

It is headed by an anonymous shadowy figure known only as Scion and it is an organisation dedicated to changing the world.

But this is not an organisation that wants change via the usual democratic methods; it is an evil group that plans to bring about change by fiddling about with jeans.

You see the Sciontology cult grew out of an earlier treatise from the aforementioned Scion (sounds a bit like Darth Vader, if you ask me), called Dia-genetics or sometimes Dire-genetics. Oh, I see it’s genes, not jeans. Still!

Scion was unable to gain much traction for his ideas until he managed to infiltrate the halls of power. Pressure was brought to bear upon governments by way of threats and dia or dire predictions.

“The world is going to hell in a hand basket and it’s all your fault,” he told the elected officials. “But there is a way out of this mess for you,” he continued. ‘All you have to do is accept my new Sciontology group as THE official new credo for the nation, fund it beyond our wildest dreams and remove all possible obstacles to our important scientific research. In return we won’t tell the people that this mess is all your fault. In fact we will back you to the hilt pointing out the role of the ‘fundamentalists’ in the world who refuse to move forward and embrace a new way of engineering our universe.”

But Scion didn’t just leave it at that. He was wise enough to realise a fairly big carrot will work wonders when used with just enough stick. He then told the credulous elected officials and their ever present hand-maidens that he could end poverty and put the country’s economy on a strong footing if he was allowed to develop his practices. He even told them his close friend and fellow Sciontologist Aggie Rizerch has ways of ending world hunger which they can also take the credit for if they provide Aggie with the same level of support as Scion.

Politicians who live for that affirmation they get when they are re-elected literally prostrated themselves before their new saviour and agreed to give him everything he wanted as long as he kept their grubby secret.

And so it is that Scion and Aggie are now running amok in the Land of the Long White Shroud. They are gathering converts through their slick patter and promises of bounty for all. They are cloning everything they think they can make money out of and some citizens fear they might begin cloning humans next. However those who have been closely monitoring the activities of Scion for some time, say it is obvious that Scion and Aggie have already done this. Go to any of their rah rah meetings and you will see for yourself that this is so.

The government has effectively become putty in Scion’s hands and you can expect full charitable status to follow shortly. However they have also done everything they can think of to make it appear that Scion and Aggie are getting no special treatment. They even set up a system where the two have to apply for consent to carry out their experiments and the public are permitted to make submissions on each and every application. Of course the woman they appointed to monitor the applications and give the consents, (Irma) is an easy going old girl, if you get my drift. As long as they rock up with some nice shiny baubles, well she’s anybody’s. And as for the public’s input? No worries; they just burn all the submissions and do what they had already planned to do anyway.

The last remaining voices of protest against the march of Scion are being attacked by Scion operatives and discredited in the public arena, and there have even been rumours of plots to silence journalists who dare to criticise their methods in print.

Their critics have been many and many of those have been quite vocal about it, warning that Scion will become all-powerful if left unchecked. They warn that Scion and Aggies experiments are potentially dangerous and that it is only a matter of time before one of their four leafed pine trees or eight legged cows escapes and mates with a giant ant or worse. Others say there are secret scrolls hidden in Scion’s archives (or was it his trousers) that indicate he and Aggie are from the planet Criminon.

Oh well I guess we’ll find out one day. Welcome to the Grave New World.

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    • profile image

      Phil Ossifer 

      7 years ago

      Thank you kindly and I see you are from the USA. I wasn't sure if it would translate successfully for those outside NZ

    • downpourofwords profile image

      downpourofwords 

      7 years ago from Dallas, Texas, USA

      Good One :) Liked reading it

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