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I would like to stop pretending I know everything

Updated on August 29, 2010

Introduction

When I wrote this I was experiencing some very intense emotions. I also had just watched the movie "Gran Torino" which probably explains why I sound so angry. I think I was channeling Clint Eastwood's character. I have considered removing the article altogether, since I'm not sure if anyone will find it helpful or enjoyable, but I'm going to leave it up for now. Read on if you dare. . .

It’s all a lie

I would like to stop pretending I know everything, because I don’t. It’s easy for me to pretend that I do, but let’s face it: I don’t know anything.

One thing I do know is that sometimes it feels good to pour my guts out, so here goes.

The explosion

I don’t know how to trust. And I don’t know how to let myself feel loved.

If I were to star in a movie, it would start with a voiceover of me narrating those lines. You would see some random nature scenes spliced with some gratuitous violence. A massive explosion would fill the screen, and then there’d be a scene of a father and a son in a kitchen, sitting in silence.

The story would be emotionally heavy, and you would cry but pretend not to. You’d say it was allergies, but you’d never be the same again. My performance in that stupid movie would change your stupid life.

When will it stop?

I would like to trust but I can’t. Big stupid deal. Lot’s of people don’t trust; the world’s not a trustworthy place. I should correct that: sometimes I can trust. It’s a big effort, though.

You ever wake up with a massive headache? You ever wake up and realize that your whole life was that massive headache? The inability to function, to talk to people, to trust your own senses as they relentlessly beat you down.

Don’t look at me

It’s unreal the way I feel when you look at me. Your eyes are deep and I wade in them. I get caught in your lashes and go blank. No one understands.

Am I insane? Why? Because I talk to everyone at once? Hardly. I’m the man. I live and die on the street. That’s a lie, because I am a coward.

Brave men love and get crushed and love again. Real men give flowers as the symbol of their voluntary emasculation. They cut off their own balls so that they can feel. I gave flowers once. It was an act of blind faith. Now I’m still blind but my faith is a bit shaky.

Don’t you listen?

You want me to trust, huh? You want me to trust? How about you get yourself together. You worry about you. I’ll take care of me and you can get the hell off my porch. I know were not on a porch. Just leave, you know what I mean.

It’s funny how people look you in the eye and lie to you. Tell you things that they think you want to hear. I don’t put up with that garbage. Screw it. I’ll be dead soon enough, and I don’t have time for your games.

You’re gonna love this one

Once I was in a dream. In the dream I was awake, if that makes sense. What I mean was that the dream was more real than anything that ever really happened to me. In the dream I was crying. I was crying because something terrible happened. A friend had died, I think. Everything went hazy and I fell down. But I kept falling, in slow motion. I got terribly nauseous.

In that dream I was alive because I felt. I felt like crap, but I still felt. No television distractions. No incessant blather. Just falling. I want to fall in my waking life. I want to fall, and then I want to get the hell back up again. Over and over. I will fall and I will rise. I will cry and I will be a man.

I want to fall and get back up again. I want to live. I want to be scared and say “screw it” and push harder.

This is the really scary part. This is the part where I have to live up to the hype. But bring it! Gimmee everything you got! I’ll be right here, working my tail off. If you see me crying, you’ll know I’ve won.

I painted this.
I painted this.

Comments

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    • AdamGee profile imageAUTHOR

      AdamGee 

      8 years ago

      Thanks so much for your kind comment, Benny :)

    • BennyTheWriter profile image

      BennyTheWriter 

      8 years ago from Northeastern U.S.A.

      One of the better-written hubs I've ever seen. Another winner. Thanks for reaching deep inside yourself and trying to articulate the terribly difficult conundrum that is the inability to trust...you did a fantastic job. : )

    • AdamGee profile imageAUTHOR

      AdamGee 

      8 years ago

      tweeter: Thanks so much for the encouragement and words words of wisdom!

      James: Thanks for commenting, and I appreciate your kind words :)

    • James A Watkins profile image

      James A Watkins 

      8 years ago from Chicago

      This is an interesting, intense Hub. I think I enjoyed it. No doubt it is well done. Thank you.

    • tweeter profile image

      tweeter 

      8 years ago from Manila, PH

      The beginning of wisdom is knowing that you know nothing. Great hub you have here. Keep them going!

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 

      8 years ago from TEXAS

      Actually, it's a well-written verbal glimpse into intense emotions. Not an easy writing challenge but you did it well, with dramatic strokes of words. It is like a painting with digits. Visceral and descriptive. Unique. You mustn't remove it. It could be helpful to others experiencing the full array of shaking feelings, to be able to read and believe they are not alone & that it's OK to feel all one's honest feelings in their framework. Necessary if one is whole and human. Cultivating the ability to allow them to have their reasonable run and then to let go of them, especially if they're destructive, is what one learns. But they're always part of one's stockpile of experience which remains.

      It's very late and I need to read it again with a fresher mind. And I will. Thanks, AdamGee. ps - I just noticed you painted the picture too - very expressive!

    • AdamGee profile imageAUTHOR

      AdamGee 

      8 years ago

      Thanks so much for commenting Fishtiger :) I definitely believe writing my feelings is a cathartic experience.

    • fishtiger58 profile image

      fishtiger58 

      8 years ago from Momence, Illinois

      Very interesting and sometimes if you write it you feel better.

    • AdamGee profile imageAUTHOR

      AdamGee 

      8 years ago

      Thanks, Smireles :) I've actually had one or 2 lucid dreams. It's a very cool experience!

      -Adam

    • Smireles profile image

      Sandra Mireles 

      8 years ago from Texas

      Interesting hub. You can actually wake up during a dream. It is called lucid dreaming. Good hub.

    • AdamGee profile imageAUTHOR

      AdamGee 

      8 years ago

      Thank you for commenting, De Greek. I know this hub comes off as abrasive. My point, if I have a point, is that people experience a full range of emotions. It's okay to be angry sometimes (as I was when I wrote this). Hopefully we can reel ourselves back in though, being self-aware enough to recognize our anger and use the energy creatively rather than destructively.

      I wish you the best as well :)

    • De Greek profile image

      De Greek 

      8 years ago from UK

      "My performance in that stupid movie would change your stupid life"... Hmmmm.... That's a bit thick, what? But then again perhaps you know me from somewhere :-))

      I wish you well ...

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