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that cold familiar feeling
you know the feeling im talking about.
there's someone, or something that you were in possession of...
and no longer are.
the hours drag through you like a knife
the feeling is cold...empty...and alone.
as if you were sitting on the bottom of an empty glass jar.
nothing close to you
just staring out a t the world watching it go on as if the enormous feelings you are having don't exist
but how can that be
when those feelings are so huge, and so heavy, there's nothing you can do to escape from them even for a moment
how is no one else feeling them
there too massive to only be felt by you
how are others around you not so overwhelmed with depression, despair, and the sheer torture and abuse of their own thoughts that wont turn off.
like and alarm clock incessantly sounding
an alarm clock that you've unplugged
and thrown against the wall of your conscious mind
...an alarm that doesn't give a fuck that you are aware of it.
it sounds just the same
driving you insane
images, scents, tastes, physical memories....
a constant reel of mental abuse.
coming from your own mind
I believe we are two people
and hear me out now...
you would never torture yourself like that. force yourself to ache like you were soaking in a tub of ice.
but someone else would.
its the other you
the one inside that clings to the sadness
this asshole dips you into your own worst most horrible state and rolls you around in it.
over and over again
and just when you think you cant take anymore....it fucking continues.
what I find most interesting about this state of being is that as time folds on...
it becomes a comfort
that's right you disagreeable bitch, a comfort.
anything other than this empty inside out hollowed out isolation becomes too bright and to be honest terrifying.
ive been this person.
now, ive been through something in the fast few years that has caused me to be unaffected by another's absence, but im telling you ive been this person.
tired during the day, don't even think about falling asleep before 4:30 in the morning...not going to happen. staring at the television and not even seeing it. (because you've got a fuckin marathon playing in your head.)
I don't have this. I had a slight taste of slight isolation a few months ago, but it was more avoidance than anything else.
But I used to have it.
I had it hard core.
Everything hurt, and everything made me sob
This is not a general depression im talking about that one could seek help for. This is a normal person perfectly capable of managing their day to day ups and downs feeling a loss so great that their marrow aches.
The most underhanded thing this other person inside you does is become you.
You are now only content in the moment when you are completely alone and feeling every horrible feeling you've ever had. Only when you are on the verge of tears are you feeling normal.
your not ok with going outside and feeling the sun.
your content moment is sitting at a window, watching rain fall down and imagining your dreams were manifested as a sad clown and he is walking further and further away from you tipping his had and crying.
You hug yourself. a lot.
you become possessive of yourself, and defensive and offended that someone else could actually think they could comfort you. no one knows what you feel.
anything that makes you laugh is avoided and scowled at.
happy people make you angry. you go to the store, you know, because after a while when you have to eat, you end up eating the same thing over and over again. so you've run out of rold gold pretzels and ginger ale... and your at the store. you see a couple, and there smiling. you wish them death and misery in your head and give them dirty looks.
looks that say "im annoyed with you, and your being inappropriate. im a walking funeral, have some respect for my dead happiness"
the aches. the ones that are a blur between physical and emotional bruises. they double you over and make you cry.
but you grow to depend on it. its real, and it makes you real, and the only thing that can take it away is you trying to be happy and now that horrifies you beyond belief.
you know that cold familiar feeling.
The deepest of us have had it.
The ones plagued with intelligence, heart, guts and spontaneity have had it so bone crushingly bad we thought we were dying. and grew to meet it daily like a cup of warm English breakfast tea.
If you've never had it, than you've never thrown your heart out there, and had someone walk away from it.
a little depressing, yet very true.
thoughts from the pink umbrella just for you.
things ive been thinking about lately
even though im happy.
funny. odd. and kind of quizzical .
I think I miss my old friend a little. my old cold familiar feeling.
even the worst things you've ever experienced can be hard to walk away from. and if your anything like me, you know exactly what that means.
because I know ill never have that feeling again, know that it will never be back... I miss it just a little.