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that underground subway smell
My heart aches
like it’s living in four different cities
As if they’re in holographic form on some other plane
People walking around, milling about in the backdrop
Must be the nerves or, they just seem to flow continuously
Like blood flowing from my veins
One long continuous loop
Round and round
Back here again.
I feel like I’m standing in the middle
Only my head moves back and forth
As I seek out the broken pieces
Who took them?
As if they were just walking by and broke off a piece of me
And I’m hoping they’ll come back around and give it back
Years go by
Is it him?
Together we are as if we’re just both standing there
Both looking back and forth
Both seeking still more pieces
Except we have each other to inform
The argument is always the same
No one can get close enough
So we try a little
But then pull back because of the pain
The pain that was already there from before
It must hold a lot of weight
How it keeps reappearing
That’s why I loved the alcohol
I could drown it out for awhile
That escape was genius
Until I turned into a maniac
And started waking up in strange places
Who do I miss?
What am I looking for?
Smoke another cigarette
The smoke goes up as my life leaks out
Little volumes at a time
Already saying goodbye
I’ve always wanted him
He comes he goes
What is the fear about?
I said: “I can’t even look at your face because, I’m afraid I’ll lose myself.”
So I keep my eyes down.
When I look up he seems anxious.
The two of us -
Underneath all the worlds holograms
Holding hands sometimes like the end is then
I can’t seem to hold his hand hard enough
He seems to know
Crying is not a good time
But it seems to put things in focus
The heart knows something my mind refused to compute
We stand together, but we are ultimately alone
We can try to fuck …. All those positions –
It feels dirty
Getting in there
All those smells
Being with you is like being in the city
My mind and all my senses are all on alert
I’m standing here like a sitting duck
I want to run to the nearest train station
Although, I already feel like I’ve gone underground
Some kind of stench
Some kind of off-wind blowing
When I’m alone …. Before you
All those years …
I still felt you. I always knew you were coming
So, as usual, I got what I wanted
I don’t think this is a good idea
Every fiber in my being wants to be in your arms
Absorbed. Just kill me and get it over with.
This is what I came here for.
Not the job.
Not the praise.
Not the gig.
Not the transformation ….
You’re finally here
What’s wrong with me?
Why can’t I lighten up?
I feel like it was you who shattered me
I feel like it was you who made me tough
I feel like it was you who told me to smarten up
It was you, all along the way ... keeping me going
Because you were eventually going to come around
And straighten me out … I guess.
I feel like it was you who made me into who I am
Year after year after year while I waited for you to show up
And now I can’t face you.
I’m so afraid you’re not going to keep me
It’s been a long road and I’m tired.
I just want to go home now.
I’m not in the mood to do any more rounds
I don’t need to be a star
Or a success
Or sell real estate
Or impress anyone …
I’m all set.
I just need enough to get by
I like to go on road trips and look out the window
I like to stop for coffee
I like to listen to the radio and play with the stations
I like to walk in the woods
I like to be on a small boat, fishing, or just rowing around
I like to be in the sun
I like to dance
I like the occasional social gathering
I like knowing a lot of people, but I don’t want to know where they live
I like making some money here and there working with my hands
I miss my people
Father, Grandmother, Aunts
The one’s that died
I often wonder about them
If their spirit is still alive somewhere
I don’t take too many risks because I think I have control
I don’t understand things about God, though,
I sometimes think I do.
I always sense a presence around me, though
As if I’m always being watched.
I’ve felt that way my whole life
That’s why I like to black out.
That’s why I like to get high
Because then I can forget for awhile
That I’m supposed to be …. What?
Being good, or something?
I have a lot of fears, but I don’t even know why.
No one’s ever really tried to get to know me.
They seem to want me to get to know them, though ….
I’m thinking If I weren’t so lazy I’d be out right now
Shooting up heroin
I don’t want to have to work for it, though …
That line where the blow job for the hit?
I can’t cross that.
It’s just too gross. Fucking slimy, smelly worms
But that’s where I’m at today.
Because my heart is stuck on your sleeve
And if you didn’t wash, my juice is still on your thigh
I can still feel your lips on mine – your tongue rolling around in my mouth
Your facial hair on my shoulder
You say you love me.
You said it over and over again
It felt so good to hear
But why can’t I feel it?
I have to let you go.
You can have the piece you left here with.
I’ve always had a big heart.
There’s plenty more to go around
Your spirit – The part of you that’s been with me since the beginning
You wanted me to be strong
I’m thinking this is some kind of test.
There’s a whole scene out there …
There’s billions of outcomes
My mind is playing tricks on me
It’s telling me ... you don’t love me
You’re not strong enough, like me.
You made me so good that I’m actually better than you.
Maybe someday you’ll remember me.
You've come wrapped in every package ...
I know it’s you.
But I owe it to myself, after all
To make sure you actually deserve me
Because, I’m somebody too
So, keep your piece of my heart
Go backward into your game like we never existed
I’m not going to go down over it.
Maybe we’ll meet again in another dreamland hologram
On the ocean sailing
In another dimension
Or in an alternative universe
At another AA meeting