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that underground subway smell

Updated on March 28, 2014

My heart aches

like it’s living in four different cities

As if they’re in holographic form on some other plane

Familiar faces

People walking around, milling about in the backdrop

Must be the nerves or, they just seem to flow continuously

Like blood flowing from my veins

One long continuous loop

Round and round

Back here again.

I feel like I’m standing in the middle

Only my head moves back and forth

As I seek out the broken pieces

Who took them?

As if they were just walking by and broke off a piece of me

And I’m hoping they’ll come back around and give it back

Years go by

Is it him?
Together we are as if we’re just both standing there

Both looking back and forth

Both seeking still more pieces

Except we have each other to inform

The argument is always the same

No one can get close enough

So we try a little

But then pull back because of the pain

The pain that was already there from before

It must hold a lot of weight

How it keeps reappearing

That’s why I loved the alcohol

I could drown it out for awhile

That escape was genius

Until I turned into a maniac

And started waking up in strange places

Who do I miss?

What am I looking for?

Smoke another cigarette

The smoke goes up as my life leaks out

Little volumes at a time

Already saying goodbye

I’ve always wanted him

He comes he goes

What is the fear about?

Falling ….

I said: “I can’t even look at your face because, I’m afraid I’ll lose myself.”

So I keep my eyes down.

When I look up he seems anxious.

The two of us -

Underneath all the worlds holograms

Holding hands sometimes like the end is then

I can’t seem to hold his hand hard enough

He seems to know

Crying is not a good time

But it seems to put things in focus

The heart knows something my mind refused to compute

We stand together, but we are ultimately alone

We can try to fuck …. All those positions –

Make love

It feels dirty

Getting in there

All those smells

Being with you is like being in the city

My mind and all my senses are all on alert

I’m standing here like a sitting duck

I want to run to the nearest train station

Although, I already feel like I’ve gone underground

Some kind of stench

Some kind of off-wind blowing

Something ….

When I’m alone …. Before you

All those years …

I still felt you. I always knew you were coming

So, as usual, I got what I wanted

I don’t think this is a good idea

Every fiber in my being wants to be in your arms

Absorbed. Just kill me and get it over with.

This is what I came here for.

Not the job.

Not the praise.

Not the gig.

Not the transformation ….

You’re finally here

What’s wrong with me?

Why can’t I lighten up?

I feel like it was you who shattered me

I feel like it was you who made me tough

I feel like it was you who told me to smarten up

It was you, all along the way ... keeping me going

Because you were eventually going to come around

And straighten me out … I guess.

Hold me.

I feel like it was you who made me into who I am

Year after year after year while I waited for you to show up

And now I can’t face you.

I’m so afraid you’re not going to keep me

It’s been a long road and I’m tired.

I just want to go home now.

I’m not in the mood to do any more rounds

I don’t need to be a star

Or a success

Or sell real estate

Or impress anyone …

I’m all set.

I just need enough to get by

I like to go on road trips and look out the window

I like to stop for coffee

I like to listen to the radio and play with the stations

I like to walk in the woods

I like to be on a small boat, fishing, or just rowing around

I like to be in the sun

I like to dance

I like the occasional social gathering

I like knowing a lot of people, but I don’t want to know where they live

I like making some money here and there working with my hands

I miss my people

Father, Grandmother, Aunts

The one’s that died

I often wonder about them

If their spirit is still alive somewhere

I don’t take too many risks because I think I have control

I don’t understand things about God, though,

I sometimes think I do.

I always sense a presence around me, though

As if I’m always being watched.

I’ve felt that way my whole life

That’s why I like to black out.

That’s why I like to get high

Because then I can forget for awhile

That I’m supposed to be …. What?

Being good, or something?

I have a lot of fears, but I don’t even know why.

No one’s ever really tried to get to know me.

They seem to want me to get to know them, though ….

I’m thinking If I weren’t so lazy I’d be out right now

Shooting up heroin

I don’t want to have to work for it, though …

That line where the blow job for the hit?

I can’t cross that.

It’s just too gross. Fucking slimy, smelly worms

But that’s where I’m at today.

Because my heart is stuck on your sleeve

And if you didn’t wash, my juice is still on your thigh

I can still feel your lips on mine – your tongue rolling around in my mouth

Your facial hair on my shoulder

You say you love me.

You said it over and over again

It felt so good to hear

But why can’t I feel it?

I have to let you go.

You can have the piece you left here with.

I’ve always had a big heart.

There’s plenty more to go around

Your spirit – The part of you that’s been with me since the beginning

You wanted me to be strong

I’m thinking this is some kind of test.

There’s a whole scene out there …

There’s billions of outcomes

My mind is playing tricks on me

It’s telling me ... you don’t love me

You’re not strong enough, like me.

You made me so good that I’m actually better than you.

Maybe someday you’ll remember me.

You've come wrapped in every package ...

I know it’s you.

But I owe it to myself, after all

To make sure you actually deserve me

Because, I’m somebody too

So, keep your piece of my heart

Go backward into your game like we never existed

I’m not going to go down over it.

Maybe we’ll meet again in another dreamland hologram

On the ocean sailing

In another dimension

Or in an alternative universe

At another AA meeting

Comments

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    • profile image

      JanikaLeeReyes 

      4 years ago

      Beautiful, its different, its bold and I like it! Voted up up up!

      Really love the picture you painted here. its magnificent !

      -Nika

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