the loss of you (for mom)
I thought the hardest part was the phone call
Saying I would never see your smile again.
Then there were sympathy hugs; false commiseration
From people who dismiss your life as sin.
My last memory of you, well, that simply isn’t fair.
No daughter, no friend should remember
cold-corpse fingers, stiff arms and straw-like hair.
I kept expecting you to move.
you were awfully loved. The church was crowded.
warm bodies pushed together, jostling
spilling out into the bluesky summer afternoon.
Mourning what would be forgotten..
The hardest part was yet to come, though.
That took weeks. Months. Years.
Slow, insidious, cruel me – I kept living
Living without you, without tears.
I stopped expecting you to be there.
Stopped reaching for the phone.
Stopped each half-turn at a familiar gleam of hair
Stopped crying for the loss of you.
Oh, that’s the cruelest of all. Acceptance.
Acceptance that you won’t return.
That I’ll never see that smirking glance.
That we’ll never again be back to “us”