The Big 30 - A Peaceful Turbulence (Prose)
Shocked by the lead-up and self-searching thoughts
Seeking out others who’ve already walked the path
The one that’s apparently freeing and adult.
Arriving tired, amused and excited, baffled and united
Estranged from all I have been and all I am to become.
The space is quite tricky, exhausting,
Filled with unfulfilled dreams and regret
Fretting at the sound of
An echo, a desperate longing
For something more;
Something inner is restless.
A bird scratching the surface of its wings
Stands by my window debating the myth of flying;
Surprised; the lead-up to this one simple day
Surrounded in dread,
Is in truth, what really rocks
The boat in the murky waves
Intrigued, I am tiny, now floating
In vast and blue streams of water;
Looking up above at clear and endless skies
Of comfort, softness and bouncy cotton wool clouds;
Above green and abundant valleys,
Where twisting paths and allies await me
But before this point,
Before feeding off the depth
that’s a new home,
I elaborate on,
The thoughts, the feelings of torment...
A realisation of one personally created trap;
One that’s colourfully aided
By social concepts;
That seem to have set me up
My mind becomes busy and loud
With self-sabotaging clutter,
A moment, a gut feeling, a flutter
Why has such and such not happened?
Where am I?
Where am I going?
Am I too late?
Inside and out tears fall as fantasises
Experience all things
I should be, but I am not…
Then, slowly an unfulfilling zone of comfort
Fades in the distance;
Something bigger and owned
Fills and nourishes my hunger
Rising on the horizon,
Threatened by another killing
the loss of once adamant being.
I still rise to breathe in the oranges, yellows and greens
Mindfully unveiling the greys and the bleak darkness
Accepting that questioning stays
And joyfully drinking the fountain of