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Wacky Crazy Pointless Bible Deaths Ordered by God. And Lessons Learnt.

Updated on September 10, 2014

God in 1:1 Scale. A Very Small Man.

Picture of a vengeful God
Picture of a vengeful God | Source

A Vengeful God

For such an omnipotent being, God really seemed to suffer from an inferiority complex during the bible writing times as he went around smiting people for many a small reason, or for reasons that boil down to the 'because he could' factor.

Though since those pre-science days it would appear that God has grown up a little and decided not to smite people for minor or negligible transgressions of what is purported to be his word.Unless of course you add the subsequent millions killed in his name or the casualties of 'acts of god' and then it would appear that he remains the petty, insecure deity of old.

God is NOT Great

God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything

Don't want to follow the crowd or just want a clever and well written atheists perspective of God, then Chris Hitchens is the man for you. A much better and more entertaining read than anything God has 'written'.

 

Another Samuel that is Famous for Quoting the Bible

A much cooler Samuel
A much cooler Samuel | Source

2 Samuel 6:3-7 - Uzzah gets smote

The ark (you know, the one of covenant fame) of God gets put on a new cart drawn by some oxen. Whilst this was going on David and the gang were having a bit of a party up ahead. When the oxen hit a bit of a rough patch the ark wobbles a bit.

So what does the industrious Uzzah do whilst all his mates play instruments? He puts out his hand to steady the ark. His reward? Instantly smote dead next to the ark by God for touching it.

Lesson learnt - Make sure you are partying up front when there is an ark or any other God furniture to be moved.

Oh and if you see the ark falling off the cart, let it fall, he isn't smiting me for his transportation problems.

Another King who likes to tell fanciful stories

Don "I always preach the gospel" King
Don "I always preach the gospel" King | Source

2 Kings 2:23-24 - There's a She Bear in there

The prophet Elisha who was as bald as a cue ball went for a stroll to Bethel. On the way a group of young lads called him baldy a few times. Like most hairstutely challenged men he didn't take to well to the taunts, so doing what chrome domes do best, he cursed the lads in the name of the lord. Two she bears apparently rushed out of the woods and tore 42 of the boys to pieces. A mild over reaction me thinks.

Lesson learnt – God is apparently sensitive to the feelings of bald men, which makes me think he is probably as bald as a, well, a bald Elisha. Oh and that he is also prone to ridiculous over compensations. Maybe that explains Jesus's overtly hairy visage?

So, These "Words 'O God"

What are your thoughts? Do You Believe?

See results

Richard Dawkins - A Wise Man tackles God and Faith

The God Delusion
The God Delusion

What happens when a brilliant mind tackles the whole concept of faith. Well written and a must read for anyone who thinks faith is the answer to all our problems.

 

Almost the Archangel Gabriel

Peter Gabriel of Genesis
Peter Gabriel of Genesis | Source

Genesis 38:9 - I touch myself

Poor old Onan was ordered to head over to his brother's wife, marry her, and in ye olde speak ‘raise up seed to thy brother’. In other words knock her up. Thinking this was a bit pervy he made sure on the way that he ‘spilled his seed’; doing what every 13yo teenage boy does naturally (until they are traumatised by this story and tales of random hair growth on their hands).

For the crime of not impregnating his brother’s wife, our friend God slew him dead. Harsh indeed.

Lesson learnt - Whew, this one’s a doozy. But I guess touching yourself is out and if instructed to knock up your brother’s wife, you should probably do it. Cos pervy old God wants a show!

An Israeli Lion

Israel in the Bibles time and Oz..similarly fictitious places.
Israel in the Bibles time and Oz..similarly fictitious places. | Source

1 Kings 13:15-24 - A Snack Attack

A man is told by god not to eat or drink in a certain place. An old prophet pops along and says that, actually, it’s OK to eat and drink in this place. Said man eats and drinks against his initial better judgment, hops on his ass and leaves. Who does God punish? The old prophet who spun a tale? Nope the man on the ass is attacked and killed by a passing lion.

That seems mildly unfair.

Lesson learnt - Don’t listen to random prophets, no matter how wise they seem, avoid random lions crossing your path in Israel (that well known habitat of lions) and thirdly, if you are going to disobey god, trick someone else into doing it first.

Get Your Own Bobblehead Jesus

Buddy Christ Bobble Head
Buddy Christ Bobble Head

No matter what outrageous claim you make, this Jesus will nod in agreement.

 
Ye Olde Times Magician
Ye Olde Times Magician

Here are a few random crimes that will get you killed. For Gods amusement.

No Lessons to be Learnt here!

Leviticus 20:10-12 - Any man or woman committing adultery - Death

Deuteronomy 22:20-21 - Living in your dads house, marry a man claiming that you are a virgin and you are not, or just cant prove you are – Death

Leviticus 20:15 - Are you a man or woman who has a fetish for animals, well bestiality will not only get you killed, the innocent animal is sentenced to death too.

Leviticus 20:13 - If a man lays with another man as he does a women, then it's death to them both. We just put gay rights back 5000 years.

Leviticus 24:14-16,23 - Blasphemy. Curse the insecure God or take his name in vain and everyone who hears you do it gets to throw rocks at you until you are dead. I had better hone my dodge-ball skills.

Exodus 31:14 - Work on the sabbath... Death. Better tell the boss I can't work this Sunday or Saturday thanks to the debate over which one is the real sabbath. (Also depends on which club, erm cult, oops religion you subscribe to.)

Exodus 22:18 - Practicing magic will get you the death penalty too. David Copperfield you are in so much trouble.

Deuteronomy 13:12-15 - Live in a town where most of the residents believe in a different god. Thanks for your time because your town has committed apostasy. The punishment? Kill everyone in the town, kill all the animals and burn what's left to the ground.

All of these capital crimes are just some of the ways you can incur the wrath of God and be sentenced to death. There are many more which also includes doozies such as being burnt to death if you marry a woman and her daughter (Leviticus 20:14) and of course that old classic of if you worship any other God (Exodus 22:20) you will be utterly destroyed. No mention is made of the unpleasantness that would entail.

Is it any wonder we refer to it as the 'Good Book'. Or maybe this insecure, vengeful God actually has a sense of irony?

More Wise Words

The Portable Atheist: Essential Readings for the Nonbeliever
The Portable Atheist: Essential Readings for the Nonbeliever

Don't just take Hitch's word for it. Here he gathers the thoughts and words of some of the greatest minds known to man. All supporting his basic thesis that God is a myth and Religion is just plain dangerous.

 

The Good Guy in the Bible, about to slap Jesus

I'll give you son of God..Slapppp!
I'll give you son of God..Slapppp! | Source

My Favourite Numbers from the Bible

If you take the exact number of people who are killed by God in the bible you come up with the impressive figure of 2,476,633 people, though if you factor in the great flood of Noah etc that number increases to a staggering 25,000,000 deaths attributable to God (and no I didn't collate these figures, I left that task to people that had more time on their hands than me!).

So of course Satan must be responsible for a lot more deaths since he is always portrayed as the bad guy. SO what is his entire death count? 10, and they were the children of Job who were the booty in a wager between God and Satan. Good old Job still never said a bad word about his God, so God won that bet. Cheers Job for the sacrifice!

So remind me again who was the good guy in this book?

Oh and how many people have been killed in the name of God over the last few thousand years... Depending on who you believe the numbers range from a few hundred million to over a billion.

Here's a final irony and thought to send you on your way. If the bible is right and the rapture comes, then pretty much the majority of the worlds population will be killed (except for those that are pure of soul and have followed his word,etc,etc), thanks to a healthy dose of skepticism of this vengeful God and his word.

Let's just pre-emptively add another 6 billion to his death toll.

Everyone's got an opinion. All, except those that contain profanity or threats, will be published.

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    • tedwritesstuff24 profile imageAUTHOR

      TedWritesStuff 

      4 years ago

      @greenmind: Who was it that said great minds think alike? ;-)

    • greenmind profile image

      GreenMind 

      4 years ago from USA

      Yes indeed. Well done, sir.

    • tedwritesstuff24 profile imageAUTHOR

      TedWritesStuff 

      4 years ago

      @WriterJanis2: So happy to see you passing by ;-) and TY!

    • WriterJanis2 profile image

      WriterJanis2 

      4 years ago

      This was hilarious!

    • tedwritesstuff24 profile imageAUTHOR

      TedWritesStuff 

      4 years ago

      @Zeross4: Thanks for stopping by. It's nice when everyone gets to have an opinion. It becomes scary when they don't. ;-)

    • Zeross4 profile image

      Renee Dixon 

      4 years ago from Kentucky

      Very interesting to see other viewpoints, I am a Christian and I believe in God but I respect everyone's opinion and feel they are definitely entitled to it. You did a great job putting this lens together though, it definitely keeps the readers attention throughout.

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