ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Books, Literature, and Writing»
  • Commercial & Creative Writing»
  • Creative Writing»
  • Humor Writing

The 21st Century man’s guide to war & pestilence (extract

Updated on March 11, 2012
You won't have much use for this during the days of War & Pestilence
You won't have much use for this during the days of War & Pestilence | Source

An extract from the forthcoming book by Phil Ossifer


It became increasingly apparent to me that it was necessary for modern man to have a guide of some sort to assist him in negotiating the many pitfalls of living in the modern world filled with War and Pestilence (the world, not modern man).

No-one has ever written a guide of this sort before because it only became apparent towards the end of the last millennium that such a book was sorely needed. Clearly that would not have been a good time to publish it, because everyone was waiting to see whether or not the many doomsday cults were right. I, for one could see no point in writing a guide if there was nobody to buy it. However it seems the cults were either wrong or they miscalculated the date. So now they have all gone back to their respective drawing boards (equipped no doubt with a new set of crayons), the time is ripe for this guide.

I realised how important it was to write this guide after a note arrived in my mail last year. It had the familiar signs I had seen before (letters cut out from magazines and periodicals to form anonymous threats). It said simply, "Deliver us a book to help us cope with the demands of the 21st Century, O Venerable One…or else!"


These days of War and Pestilence have created a totally new environment compared with that in which many of us grew up or evolved, as in the case of much of the pond-life about today.

Things will never be the same again, and it is necessary for modern man to get to grips with how things are today and begin behaving differently to reflect the different circumstances that now exist. We need to get tough and arm ourselves!

It is not just our physical environment that has changed; all the organisations we grew up with have as well and our expectations and those of what is left of our society have also altered.

Government departments now have new and puzzling names and most have new and puzzling roles to go with them. Ministries have proliferated to keep pace with all the scumbags we have now produced; not so much to look after them as to employ them. And I confidently predict a Ministry of War and Pestilence will be set up very soon after the publication of this invaluable guide.

Education has changed to the point where not only do we not know what is being taught; we do not even know if it is being taught and if it is; how can we tell? In this new environment new skills will have to be taught and new methods of teaching will have to be adopted. Teachers will all be given side-arms and taught moves that will enable them to disable disruptive students permanently.

For those who have some sort of get-up-and-go, and are not forced into slave labour, employment will be a choice between armed robbery and exceptional self-enterprise, although the latter is often hard to distinguish from the former.

Health will become more a matter of self-care and home surgeries will spring up in garages all over the country.

Social life as we have known it will also change as needs must that we all retreat into our respective caves or bunkers, and only venture out when we have to and then only under cover of darkness or in large heavily armed groups.

The new penny-wise Junta that will be running the country will devise new and exasperating ways of preventing us from killing and maiming each other accidentally.

Shopping will go back to the old barter (or batter) method. This will bring about far more equitable outcomes for the purchasers if not the vendors. Our purchasing power will no longer be governed by how much money we have in our pockets; instead it will depend upon a combination of factors like how many rounds we have left in the magazine, how good a shot we are, and whether our weaponry exceeds that of the retailer.


In these days of War and Pestilence it will be increasingly necessary to deal with government agencies on a weekly or even a daily basis. This is only fair as they are the bastards responsible for our war-torn and pestilent state.

However before dealing with a bureaucrat you first need to understand how the bureaucratic mind works, and the first thing you need to know about that could be summed up with the phrase, “It’s a brain, Jim, but not as we know it.”

Next you must remember they all talk total bollox; and finally that they love forms. I’m not talking about beautiful naked human forms, either. I’m talking about those endless paper ones from the pointless forest. Entire departments are dedicated to what amounts to nothing more than pointless deforestation of our land to produce yet more meaningless and superfluous forms.

Bureaucracy and efficiency go together like oil and water, or bureaucracy and logic.

If there is a way that something can be made at least ten times more complicated than it needs to be, then you can trust a civil servant to find that way and implement it in triplicate. And if there is a way a simple request can be made to take 10 times longer than it should, your civil service can’t wait to show you how that can be achieved.

Another favourite trick of the civil service (which by the way is an oxymoron full of ox-like morons) is to hire woefully inappropriate people in front line positions.

For example have you ever noticed how many of those people denying you a benefit to buy the most basic bowl of gruel to feed your family of twelve are the biggest lard-arses you have ever seen in your life?

Likewise, the work-broker trying to get you to take a minimum wage slave position that pays less than a benefit is always on holiday in Europe or at smoko whenever you need to see them.

For your encounters with bureaucracy I suggest you lie as if your life depended on it to get what you want, and if that doesn’t work, disguise yourself as an ethnic minority, which invariably works. If neither of these strategies works, then arm yourself with a large blunt instrument to beat reason into the wankers.


Times of War and Pests bring with them economic hardship, so these are times when you will have to make every penny count, which is a very silly way of saying you will need to save dough. After all we don’t have pennies anymore and I cannot ever recall seeing one that could count, no matter how much you threatened it.

So with that in mind (the money-saving not the penny-threatening) I provide for you a few simple but effective money-saving tips.

Most of my tips involve avoiding using electricity which is necessary for the purpose of saving money and also to ensure that those fat grasping bastards that have been running the power companies and ripping us all off for so long will eventually have to sell their hideous old dragons of wives into prostitution and their children into slavery to support their sorry arses.

Money saving tip #1

On cold days you should turn off your fridge and store its contents outside, thus saving you both power and money.

Money saving tip #2

Do not under any circumstances use your electric lights. This will not only save power, but it will improve your night vision; although you might have to endure a few fractures until you manage to perfectly memorise the layout of your house.

Money saving tip #3

When the weather gets cold, if you still have furniture; burn it. Nobody will notice since you stopped turning the lights on, anyway. This will also make money saving tip #2 easier and a lot less painful.

Money saving tip #4

Convert your electric stove to a wood burner. All you need to do is unplug it from the wall and light a fire inside the oven. If you have a glass door this will also assist with lighting, and if you are extra cold or do not have a fireplace, you can open the oven door and heat the room at the same time.

Money saving tip #5

Put all your excess funds into the War and Pestilence Super Saver fund where it will be held until interest rates go through the roof. There is a deposit slip at the end of this guide.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      Phil Ossifer 6 years ago from New Zealand

      Thank you & let's hope Phil can get the help he needs.

    • jellygator profile image

      jellygator 6 years ago from USA

      Love it!