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Ratio decidendi

Updated on December 21, 2011

There she stands. Alone, aloof. As if my very molecules don’t perform acrobatic feats each time they come close to hers. And, how that makes me feel more like a thing than a person. She must know. The cacophony of firing synapses, the hock-thump of my suddenly inflamed heart, the oozing and aching as each organ wrings itself dry of its own life-giving essence. All of these things that were as much within my control as tomorrow’s weather, surely they must be manifest on the outside of me. How could she not tell that some cascading failure of vital functions was occurring inside of the mediocre version of a man that stood before her? Could she not see some bulging of the eyes or pallor of complexion that would indicate to her that something was dreadfully wrong?

No. No! Nothing from her but coolness and shine. Clean, unpoised but not relaxed – she somehow exists in the line between two states of being. Never one thing or the other, impossible to pinpoint. Just begging one to wonder if she really is unencumbered by the flittering thoughts and nagging anxieties that seem to accompany most people in their lives. Why her? She is lovely, but greater beauties there have surely been – and anyone with a bit of sense knows that physical handsomeness is no cure for unease in one’s self. What has she that others do not? She is smart and able and all those things that can be listed as virtues but maddeningly these things do not bring that calm which from her seems to emanate. Easy as the scent of lavender wafts from the disturbed branch, her temperament appears as if natural and unrehearsed. What is she?

I hate her, I have decided. I yearn to touch her and know I was meant to taste her breath but also I despise her on a whole different level. Deep, deep down I resent that she makes me feel so helpless and foolish. I loathe her ability to take every damned thing in stride and to act so nice, but without attachment. I want to call her bad names and break her down; chipping away everything she thinks is good about herself until nothing remains but raw shame and dirtiness. I need to remind her that the world can be a really rotten place and that she had better get that through her head sooner rather than later. To scream in her ears of her foolishness and naivety. Then, I would scoop her up in my arms - strong only then in her weakness. I would calm her fears and reassure her that I and only I loved her, despite her failings. I would stroke her raven hair and tear-soaked cheeks and sing to her. Cradle her. Be the one to build her back up and to anoint her wounds.

That is the only way this can work, and I know it not because I am cynical but because I am realistic. Because she is too good for her own good. If I, someone who cares for her, don’t tear her down and show her the truth then the brutal world will. And that would be too much for me to bear.

Image from www.refuse-abuse-don'
Image from www.refuse-abuse-don'


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    • ChilliWilly profile image

      ChilliWilly 6 years ago from Kaunas, Lithuania

      This is gorgeous hub. Thanks for sharing!

    • Cheeky Girl profile image

      Cassandra Mantis 7 years ago from UK and Nerujenia

      Great writing and gutsy and with a punch. You are a great hubber. I will have to read more! Cheers!

    • Wayne Brown profile image

      Wayne Brown 7 years ago from Texas

      Well, I just liked it a reminded me, of me. In fact, I think maybe you have my diary! LOL. This is exactly how I felt all the women that I lusted after felt about me back in my single days...I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy! captured those feelings and expressed them very well from a man's perspective! Thanks for sharing! WB

    • RooBee profile image

      RooBee 7 years ago from Here


      So very good to hear from you! I am feeling inspired..

    • lxxy profile image

      lxxy 7 years ago from Beneath, Between, Beyond

      I have witnessed something beautifully captivating here, and I can't quite put my finger as to why.

      But it is no surprise. Thank you, I miss these posts of pure artistic appeasement.

    • RooBee profile image

      RooBee 7 years ago from Here


      I haven't been around for awhile, and you are one I've missed very much. Hope you're doing well - I will pop over to your page to say hello. It always brightens my day to hear from you!!

      Kelly Contrary!

      How are you? I've been away for a time myself. So glad to have you stop in, and I thank you for the complimentary words! (btw, pure fiction of course!!) :)

    • profile image

      ralwus 7 years ago

      Merry Christmas dearest RooBee, and a Happy New Year as well. love and peace, CC xox

    • Kelly Contrary profile image

      Kelly Contrary 7 years ago from Kansas--if evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve


      Trying to get back in the swing of hubbing after a break. Wonderfully written. Sincerely hoping this is fiction from a talented writer and not a sliver of history. None of my business, so no need to answer. Either way, it's good work.

    • profile image

      ralwus 8 years ago

      I have missed you dear. You are still beautiful ya know?

    • RooBee profile image

      RooBee 8 years ago from Here

      ralwus, always a pleasure! I take your comment and savor it (I'll never wash this eye that I read it with lol).

    • profile image

      ralwus 8 years ago

      I want to taste her breath and more now. hehe Great lil short story. You know how to knit the alphabet pretty well too.

    • RooBee profile image

      RooBee 8 years ago from Here

      Thanks, CJ. "Liquid fire?!" Whao, indeed! I'm so grateful for your extremely flattering comment. You rock, man! :)

      Ha, ha livewithrichard - you do not want to know! ;)

      Seriously, though, thanks kindly for reading and commenting!!

    • livewithrichard profile image

      Richard Bivins 8 years ago from Charleston, SC

      Hey RooBee, how do you know my ex-girlfriend? lol very well written.

    • fierycj profile image

      fierycj 8 years ago from The Fiery Heart of Africa

      In one word, Whao! In less articulate words, this is a well-crafted write up. The words drop like liquid fire, somewhat. Soothing yet packs a punch. Love it! Still I rather stick to my more intellectual comment, Whao!

    • RooBee profile image

      RooBee 8 years ago from Here

      Oh, Tantrum, your words have taken me aback. Thank you sincerely and humbly, as your critique means more to me than you might know!

      Pete, thanks to you. I value your compliments highly, too, and appreciate your taking time to read and assess.

      Wesley, thank you. I'm feeling all silly and happy over such nice compliments from folks like you. Cruel, indeed, with the irony of course being that this person would not view his acts as cruel but rather as merciful in a sense - like he's doing her a service. I think most people justify their actions one way or the other. Thanks again.

      Oh, Dohn, haha looks like I just said in my response to Wesley what you have said here. I should read ahead, I s'pose but like to read comments one at a time so I can respond individually. Anyway, I am quite fond of your writing and so am deeply grateful for such nice compliments coming from you! You brought me big smiles.

      Thanks, Elena, I am just blown away by the good feedback from some of my fave writers - you of course being one. Humbled & encouraged by and grateful for your comments.

      Scott, hello! If I have impressed you, I'm feeling really good about today I'll tell you that! Thank you most sincerely!!

      dennisematt, thank you and I would be less surprised than you might think. :) Hope you don't still know him! Your encouraging words mean much to me - you're another whose opinion on my writing I value greatly.

      Hi Erin, another compliment from one of the good ones!! Thank you most sincerely. I am soooo pleased that you liked it!!

    • erin boote profile image

      erin boote 8 years ago from Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania

      Wow..this was really good RooBee, very compelling and well written, wonderful..simply wonderful.

    • profile image

      dennisematt 8 years ago

      holy cow. Would you be surprised to know I have known this "man"? I guess not. I cant think of words big enough to say how much I like this.

    • puppascott profile image

      puppascott 8 years ago from Michigan (As far as you know...)


      Wow! This was instantaneous immersion. I really like the way this is written. I have nothing else to say accept you had me at Ratio decidendi.


    • Elena. profile image

      Elena. 8 years ago from Madrid

      Wonderful read, RooBee. Sounds to me like we have a dangerously obsessed admirer in our hands, sounds eerily close to "she'll be mine or no one's". Very well written.

    • dohn121 profile image

      dohn121 8 years ago from Hudson Valley, New York

      Very well written piece, RooBee. You can file this one into your portfolio or "Brag Book." I liked the irony of the narrator who will now endeavor to strengthen this woman who is, according to him, unable to cope with the real world. "Because she's too good for her own good," is the best line of them all.

    • wesleycox profile image

      wesleycox 8 years ago from Back in Texas, at least until August 2012

      Excellent. This story has made me really think about the crueleties(?) of people. I loved the way you put it together and made it so vivid. Great work.

    • Pete Maida profile image

      Pete Maida 8 years ago

      This sounds like the thoughts of an obsessed person that could be a danger to the woman. It is his self esteem that needs work. The writing is wonderfully descriptive tearing open this man's soul. Fine work.

    • tantrum profile image

      tantrum 8 years ago from Tropic of Capricorn

      THIS IS INCREDIBLE !Congrats. I haven't read something so beautiful and well written as this in years ! And I mean it !!!!If I knew what envy is I would be falling into it. Luckily ,I don't know...never liked abysses.