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Guide to Buying Incredibly Ugly Cushions

Updated on June 18, 2010

It happens to everyone from time to time. You go out shopping, expecting to come home with a beautiful new piece of furniture. Perhaps a rug to tie the room together, or a nice end table for your collection of porcelain cat's to rest on. But instead, you come home holding a horribly mismatched piece of tasteless crap. And instead of doing the sensible thing and taking it back as soon as you realize your mistake, you live with it. These lapses in good taste happen to us all from time to time. But to consistanly be tasteless really takes effort. It can almost be considered an art form.

However, I believe I have discovered the secret to being a completely tasteless 100% of the time and it actually requires very little.

Very little money that is.

The trick I've found is to be a cheap bastard.

Cheap Bastard - A Case Study

My friend, let's call him Steve, is where I have learned to be a cheap bastard, and by extension a completely tasteless cad.

During high-school Steve created his own style, with the main rule being that no item of clothing could cost more than $5. This forced him to shop at thrift stores exclusively. Eventually his style evolved so that he resembled a 70 year old man, complete with ragged old sport jacket with leather elbo patches. Eventually his room too filled with ragged old lime green recliners and piles of records from the 70s.

From Steve we can see how his cheapness also led to his complete lack of taste.

Steve is special though because his purchases tended to be antiquated. However his principal of cheapness over taste can still be applied to new purchases.

ugly cushion
ugly cushion

Ugly Cushions

Finally we are getting to the cushions.

Why cushions? Well cushions are essential. One's buttocks is always in need of a soft place to rest, and I find that my floor can be very hard (I live in Japan and we only own one chair if you are wondering). Thus an ass pad is needed for extended sitting sessions.

However we don't want to spend too much right? And of course we want to ensure that our ass cushions are completely ugly and out of place with the rest of the crap we own right? So le'ts begin the step by step process for buying ugly mismatched cushions.

  1. Start by going to your closest home improvement/furniture store. I can't stress closest enough. We are not going to go shopping around. It's all about convenience.
  2. Enter and head straight for your goal. Don't let yourself get distracted by more complicated and new fangled sitting apparatus, such as armrest pillows ect
  3. In the ass pad section of the store, there should be special cushion with strings attached which is designed to be tied to a wooden chair. In my experience this often are the cheapest and by extension most ugly cushions sold in stores.
  4. My personal experience has shown that if you can find a cushion that sells for under $10 it will most likely be an ugly floral pattern and will also completely clash with the rest of your furnishings. Look for one of these. If you can only find solid color cushions, make sure to get ones made out of cheap material to ensure that they will quickly begin leaking stuffing after only a couple of weeks of use.
  5. Return home and relax on your newly acquired and completely ugly ass cushions.

The blue floral pattern mismatches perfectly with the already ugly pattern on my carpet.
The blue floral pattern mismatches perfectly with the already ugly pattern on my carpet.

Practice What You Preach!

Following my own outline above, this is what I came home with. These cost me less than 5 dollars each. Marvel at their unstylish floral pattern and clashing color scheme. It may be hard for some of you too pull of a purchase this ugly, but don't worry, I've been doing this for years. Given enough time and a small enough pay check, you to will be able to match my results some day. 

Thanks for reading and good luck. 


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    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Your knowledge of cushion technology and marketing verges on creepy. Good job!

    • Dolores Monet profile image

      Dolores Monet 7 years ago from East Coast, United States

      This was great. Hilarious and so true. I buy my cushions at the Good Will store. The others I make myself. So, I know about ugly cushions.