ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Guide to Buying Incredibly Ugly Cushions

Updated on June 18, 2010

It happens to everyone from time to time. You go out shopping, expecting to come home with a beautiful new piece of furniture. Perhaps a rug to tie the room together, or a nice end table for your collection of porcelain cat's to rest on. But instead, you come home holding a horribly mismatched piece of tasteless crap. And instead of doing the sensible thing and taking it back as soon as you realize your mistake, you live with it. These lapses in good taste happen to us all from time to time. But to consistanly be tasteless really takes effort. It can almost be considered an art form.

However, I believe I have discovered the secret to being a completely tasteless 100% of the time and it actually requires very little.

Very little money that is.

The trick I've found is to be a cheap bastard.

Cheap Bastard - A Case Study

My friend, let's call him Steve, is where I have learned to be a cheap bastard, and by extension a completely tasteless cad.

During high-school Steve created his own style, with the main rule being that no item of clothing could cost more than $5. This forced him to shop at thrift stores exclusively. Eventually his style evolved so that he resembled a 70 year old man, complete with ragged old sport jacket with leather elbo patches. Eventually his room too filled with ragged old lime green recliners and piles of records from the 70s.

From Steve we can see how his cheapness also led to his complete lack of taste.

Steve is special though because his purchases tended to be antiquated. However his principal of cheapness over taste can still be applied to new purchases.

ugly cushion
ugly cushion

Ugly Cushions

Finally we are getting to the cushions.

Why cushions? Well cushions are essential. One's buttocks is always in need of a soft place to rest, and I find that my floor can be very hard (I live in Japan and we only own one chair if you are wondering). Thus an ass pad is needed for extended sitting sessions.

However we don't want to spend too much right? And of course we want to ensure that our ass cushions are completely ugly and out of place with the rest of the crap we own right? So le'ts begin the step by step process for buying ugly mismatched cushions.

  1. Start by going to your closest home improvement/furniture store. I can't stress closest enough. We are not going to go shopping around. It's all about convenience.
  2. Enter and head straight for your goal. Don't let yourself get distracted by more complicated and new fangled sitting apparatus, such as armrest pillows ect
  3. In the ass pad section of the store, there should be special cushion with strings attached which is designed to be tied to a wooden chair. In my experience this often are the cheapest and by extension most ugly cushions sold in stores.
  4. My personal experience has shown that if you can find a cushion that sells for under $10 it will most likely be an ugly floral pattern and will also completely clash with the rest of your furnishings. Look for one of these. If you can only find solid color cushions, make sure to get ones made out of cheap material to ensure that they will quickly begin leaking stuffing after only a couple of weeks of use.
  5. Return home and relax on your newly acquired and completely ugly ass cushions.

The blue floral pattern mismatches perfectly with the already ugly pattern on my carpet.
The blue floral pattern mismatches perfectly with the already ugly pattern on my carpet.

Practice What You Preach!

Following my own outline above, this is what I came home with. These cost me less than 5 dollars each. Marvel at their unstylish floral pattern and clashing color scheme. It may be hard for some of you too pull of a purchase this ugly, but don't worry, I've been doing this for years. Given enough time and a small enough pay check, you to will be able to match my results some day. 

Thanks for reading and good luck. 


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 

      8 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Your knowledge of cushion technology and marketing verges on creepy. Good job!

    • Dolores Monet profile image

      Dolores Monet 

      8 years ago from East Coast, United States

      This was great. Hilarious and so true. I buy my cushions at the Good Will store. The others I make myself. So, I know about ugly cushions.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)